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Christmastime is here, but fan-fiction writers have replaced "happiness and cheer" with "screams no one will hear." In the latest of my attempts to be the Grinch to your Whoville, I've found trauma-inducing stories by authors who took a good, hard look at a holiday about peace, joy, and precious time spent with beloved family and said to themselves, "I want to ejaculate all over this."

"A Charlie Brown Christmas"

Via Peanuts.wikia.com

Yup. This is happening. The author claims it's a parody, but you can't write 5,700 words of Peanuts erotica and then pretend it's just a joke. That's like getting caught masturbating in your sister's underwear and claiming it's a prank.

He especially liked her pert little ass. The cheeks were firm, small, tight, soft and smooth as glass. He wanted to spread them and look at her tight little anal pucker.

That's Charlie Brown referring to his sister, Sally, and you couldn't ruin someone's childhood quicker if you had a clown suit, a puppy, and a gun. Sally gives Charlie Brown a blowjob and then pees in his mouth, possibly because someone is trying to summon the vengeful spirit of Charles M. Schulz for a dark and blasphemous intent.

Via Wikimedia Commons
"I'm going to find whoever did this and kick a football right into his teeth."

Much like the beloved television special, the story is a series of vignettes with an underlying plot. Unlike the beloved television special, every moment forces you to comfort yourself with the fact that existence is ultimately meaningless and the terrible knowledge you've gained will one day be lost to the merciful void. Someone wrote about Lucy having sex with Snoopy, and only oblivion can erase that from your mind.

The dog eyed the crotch in front of him, dropped the blanket and sniffed. 'Whoa!' he thought, 'pussy smell.' He stuck his wet nose deeper into her crotch, poking into the little slit beneath the panties.

It gets much more explicit than that, but I don't want a lynch mob outside my house, so let's skip ahead. Linus and Charlie Brown go Christmas-tree shopping, during which Linus talks about how he blackmailed Peppermint Patty and Marcie into filthy sex. Then he teaches Charlie Brown about the joys of ass play, as one does after a successful tree purchase.

Via Instructables.com
Even the tree is ashamed.

Linus put his hand between Charlie Brown's legs and fingered his little brown ass pucker. Charlie Brown had never thought about his asshole as a sexual area, but Linus's finger there felt great.

Then comes the big Christmas party, which soon devolves into an uncomfortable Peanuts orgy. Charlie Brown gets to have nasty sex with the little red-headed girl, which is hardly canonical, and Lucy embraces her perversions and fucks a dog in public. But Woodstock and his other bird friends don't get involved, because that would be going too far.

Woodstock and his friends didn't know what to do. They left and went ice skating on the frozen birdbath.

Via Glogster.com
"If you're asking for a hug, I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline."

That's the line the author drew. Thousands of words of hardcore porn about beloved child characters and a goddamn dog are all fine and dandy, but only a pervert would introduce birds into the proceedings. We wouldn't want to make Christmas awkward.

"You Do Something to Me"

james steidl/iStock/Getty Images

Arthurian legend isn't generally associated with the holidays, but apparently the Round Table liked to eat turkey and watch bards tell the merry story of the unusual Griswold clan. But all isn't well in Camelot on Christmas Eve, as Merlin is convinced that St. Nicholas can't bring him what he truly wants -- love.

Gaius was about to question Merlins reply but at the look on the young Warlocks face he stopped, that look was all too familiar. It was the look of Love.

Via Wikimedia Commons
I think we all recognize it.

Any child who asked Santa to bring grandpa and grandma's puppy back can tell you it's true he can't bring you love -- at least not the kind children should be talking about. Gaius immediately goes to tell the gang that Merlin's depressed, because apparently Camelot was a lot like high school. Gwen knows why, and she blabs.

Gwen looked unsure for a moment before she tentatively revealed Merlins secret longing for Arthur to Morgana and Gaius. They both looked shocked at the news.

"Please dont repeat it to anyone he would never forgive me if he knew that I told on him." Gwen asked blushing.

Well gee, Gwen, maybe you shouldn't have told them, then, you gossip whore. And, uh oh, Arthur is standing right next to them the whole time! They're really stupid!

Via Wikipedia

"We have to find him!" Gaius said firmly looking too at the spot where the Prince had stood. He couldnt believe their stupidity, discussing a matter as important as this where the very object of Merlins affections could hear the whole ordeal.

They search the castle to find him and ... actually, their plan isn't clear. Tell him to pretend that Merlin doesn't have a mad crush? Convince him to not have a mature, adult conversation about it? We'll never know, because the scene shifts to Arthur's point of view as he makes it very clear that he's interested in putting his Pendragon in some wizard ass.

Gently he held Merlins beautiful eflin face in his strong hands as he lowered his face slowly. Merlin could've sworn that he felt his heart stop as Arthurs lips gently brushed off his for the first time. Electricity spreading through him like wildfire, as he eagerly returned Arthurs kiss.

Via Wikimedia Commons
Then they made an innuendo joke about the sword and the stone, as is expected.

The Knights of the Gossip Table arrive just in time to witness the passion, so not only are they trying to sabotage a romance, they're happy to gape at it like it's ye olde Skinemax. Jerks.

Now, at first this looks like just another dime-a-dozen Arthurian Christmas erotica. But not only was "You Do Something to Me" inspired by a Paul Weller song of the same name, it made its debut on the forums of dating website Plenty of Fish. That's like if the first draft of Fahrenheit 451 had been inspired by a Nat King Cole track and was scribbled all over a public bathroom. I really hope a huge Paul Weller fan looking for someone to share their King Arthur porn with came across it and a beautiful romance blossomed.

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"A Christmas Carol"

Kimmariesmith/iStock/Getty Images

Anyone can write a story about Ebenezer Scrooge getting laid, which I know because I've read several. But it takes horribly misplaced passion to write a modern retelling that's 21,000 words long. "Ebon" has the same Christmas Eve tradition that I do -- sex with a high-class escort followed by existential despair. After he's done, the ghost of Jacob Marley reveals that he was watching:

"This is being horny like a 14 year old boy, being able to watch someone get what that woman just gave you and only having it build more. You can't complete anything on this side, Ebon. You just get to feel it build."

Via Thelostogle.com
"I know it looks like I'm having an orgasm right now, but trust me, I'm not.

But there's more to Jacob than complaints about how ghosts can't get off -- Ebon is going to be doomed to an eternity of sorrow if he doesn't find love. That's a shitty message to send single people, but before we can dwell on that the Ghost of Christmas Past takes Ebon to his simpler youth when his foster sister, Brenda, got him drunk and took advantage of him. Ah, memories.

The older Ebon saw everything he should have noticed at the time. How she watched him drink carefully (he had not had much experience with alcohol), how she didn't drink but only used the cup to warm her hands, how her breathing had nervous hitches in it, the shining in her eyes as her decision solidified the more and more the alcohol hit the younger Ebon.

The scene gives us all sorts of great character development that Dickens thought unimportant to include, like the fact that Ebon is great at cunnilingus.

Via Disney.wikia.com

Christmas Present takes Ebon on a tour of all the women he could be scrooging if he hadn't been so focused on his career, because what woman would ever want a hard-working man with tons of money and power? This includes Brenda, but the sexy Ghost of Christmas Future reveals the terrible fate that awaits her:

"I played with Melisa's grandchildren, today." she said. "Sometimes I wish I had had children, but..."

"Fuck!" Ebon exclaimed standing up, and kicking the gravestone. "You fucking waited. How the FUCK could you wait for me, Brenda?"

Despite being cold and emotionless, Ebon is so amazing that Brenda would rather die alone than settle for someone else. Oh, and Ebon's secretary's daughter kills herself because he wasn't nice enough to her, or something.

Via Cedmagic.com
Tiny Tim just gets hit by a truck off-screen.

With valuable lessons learned, Ebon races to Brenda's home to make out with her in front of her friends, heads to his secretary's home to give her a promotion and convince her daughter that life is worth living, then goes home to wait for some Christmas incest (Chrincest?). Ebon's life is finally complete, and he won't endure eternal suffering for not banging his sister. Also, the daughter, despite meeting Ebon just hours ago, is happy to drop Christmas with her family to start an open relationship with two people decades older than her.

Brenda jumped as a third hand joined both of Ebon's in caressing her back. She looked beside her, and just behind her. She saw an attractive raven-haired, green-eyed woman, green flashed on the woman's wrist.

Because after rekindling a relationship that was dead for 12 years you should immediately initiate a threesome without asking. Thankfully, Brenda's cool with it. It's a Christmas miracle!

"New Year's Eve in the Burrow"

Via Forbes.com

Cracked has told you about how scary the Harry Potter universe is thanks to easily accessible "love" potions, but that's just one side of the story. "New Year's Eve in the Burrow" seeks to set the record straight with a tale about how sex drugs can lead to a wacky and light-hearted orgy that's fun for the whole family.

"It was the first New Years after the war. (Fred didn't die)," the story begins, so that's two reasons to celebrate right there. Ginny and Hermione are planning "fun with the lads," and you'll just have to get over the fact that the girls talk like football hooligans. It's revealed that they decided to spike Harry and Ron's (and their own) butterbeer with Veritaserum, which my fellow super cool people know is a truth serum. They want their boyfriends to reveal that they're secretly huge perverts, and it works perfectly.

"Harry, are you planning on sitting tonight?" Ginny asked.

"No. I have a better view of your tits from up here."

Via Fanpop.com
Harry Potter and the Awww Yeah, Girl, Bom-Chikka-Wah-Wah.

Let's glaze over the horrifying implications of drugging people with a truth serum, because the author sure as shit does, and instead focus on the awkward prospect of having an orgy based on everyone's secret desires.

"Hey Ron, what's your favourite fantasy?" Ginny asked.

"Well. Basically. It involves all of us in here. Taking turns to fuck each other till we've all had about 5 orgasms and are sweaty as pigs." He paused for a moment. "I didn't say that out loud did I?"

Via Fanpop.com
Typical bumbling Ron!

Everyone conveniently shares that fantasy, but just imagine if Ron had said, "I've always wanted to do a hippogriff; beaks get me so hard," or, "Well, Ginny, I've always wanted to take a monster shit in your mouth." New Year's Eve, and the entire year that follows it, would be ruined. There's a reason sexual secrets are generally shared slowly between trusting couples and not abruptly blurted out by drugged hormonal teenagers, and that's because you might never be able to look each other in the eye again.

But erotic fan fiction rarely attempts to tackle ethical dilemmas, so instead we get to explore Ginny's "sopping wet womanhood" and learn that the genitals of all four characters taste delicious. Maybe these fun facts will be incorporated into Pottermore.

Via Smh.com.au
"He just loves the cock," writes Rowling.

The quartet break off their filthy wizard humping long enough to run downstairs for the big countdown, and we learn that despite their magical silencing charms Ron's mother is well aware of what was going on, because running off to have sex during family gatherings is a long-standing Weasley tradition. When the clock strikes midnight, the many couples under the roof head to their respective bedrooms to have magical sex, because I know if I was a mother of seven nothing would get my motor running like the knowledge that every single one of my children was getting laid simultaneously in my own home.

All was peaceful in the house of Weasley. (Everyone had silencing charms on their rooms. *wink*)

Via Harrypotter.wikia.com
Maybe it's for the best that it burns down.

The lesson is clear, kids: drugging your significant other without consent will lead to nothing but fun times!

Continue Reading Below

"France's Sexy New Year Secret"

Via Worldoftanksxbox360edition.com

If you're not familiar with Hetalia, congratulations on not being a hyper-nerd. It's an anime where countries are personified as cute boys, because Japan is just fucking with us now.

It's light and silly -- storylines revolve around historical events, national holidays, etc. As an example of how the characters are portrayed, Germany is known for his work ethic and his love of beer and bratwurst, for instance. So of course someone said, "I want to see these national stereotypes sign some treaties, if you know what I mean. I mean sex. I want to see them sex."

Via Wikipedia
Well, obviously.

We're told the story is "FrUk, with hints of GerIta," and if that looks like a chemical equation to you, you'll need me to explain the concept of shipping. Fans of couples will come up with catchy nicknames, like Ginmione (Ginny and Hermione), Kock (Kirk and Spock), and AB/DB (Adam Tod Brown and Dan O'Brien). And because of that relationships between personified nations have code words that sound like communist cars.

France is hosting a rocking New Year's Eve Party, and England gets blitzed harder than he did in 1940. The host escorts England out after he drunkenly insults Italy, and what follows is a negotiation that makes North Korean diplomats look elegant.

"I don't want to sleep here!" England fussed.

"Then where do you want to sleep?" France questioned.

After taking a moment to think about it Arthur responded, "In your bed!"

"What?" France sputtered out.

Via Deviantart.com
Here's what they look like, in case you were in danger of taking this seriously.

England then does the national equivalent of a bitter rant about an ex-girlfriend.

"Even when I was little! People tried to invade me just to beat me up!"

France jumped back as England launched himself at the nation standing over him. "Why! Why would you do that to me!"

Touched, France makes a confession.

"I didn't invade you because I hated you."

It's just like how guys tease girls they like, except tens of thousands of people died because of it. You'll then witness one of the greatest sentences ever written.

Arthur grabbed Francis' arms and dragged the continental nation on top of him with a grin.

"You got to invade me. Now it's my turn to invade you."

France takes England's invitation and runs with it like the filthy, filthy country that he is. The Fifth Republic sodomizes England while giving him a reach-around, which I assume he called "ruling Britannia." It all sounds like a political cartoon about the pound gone horribly wrong.

Via Wikimedia Commons
This is somehow far less surreal than the actual story.

The next morning the hungover England doesn't remember what happened. France insists that they just drunkenly fell asleep in the same bed, which means that in one swoop of the keyboard the author characterizes 66 million people as the type to take advantage of a drunk person and then deny it in the morning. But don't worry, France does it out of love.

He couldn't bring himself to tell England the truth -- though maybe somewhere in there the Brit already knew. For now Francis would continue to dream of the day when he would have Arthur sober.

One day, France. One day.

"iGet a Christmas Gangbang"

Via Wikipedia

iCarly is a teen sitcom that ran through 2012 in which the characters run a web show, learn valuable lessons about life, and generally don't do anything that could offend anyone. SilverDragonRanger09 decided to pluck out a minor character, throw in a bunch of original creations, make them all nymphomaniacs, call it the "iGet It Universe" (which I don't dare explore further), and write a ridiculously graphic Christmas orgy, possibly because he has a vendetta against God.

The outfit it self was nothing more than a red two piece Mrs. Clause French cut bikini. The outfit had more than put [Melanie Puckett] in the Christmas spirit but had also made her horny and wet. But then what girl wouldn't be horny knowing she was about to be taken by eight well hung black guys.

Via iCarly.wikia.com
"You're nice and all, but I wish you were half of the Atlanta Hawks."

I can think of a few, but never mind that. I'm pretty sure the author of this story thinks babies are made by 10 naked people yelling profanities at each other. I'm also pretty sure he couldn't spellcheck his story because his keyboard was too sticky.

"Gahhh agghh!," where the only sounds coming fro Melanie's mouth as she gagged around the dick in her mouth as she happily jerked off Mack and now Shad.

In the show, Melanie is a studious and rule-abiding student, and it's unclear what horrible changes came over her in this universe. I would complain about the poor characterization, but the bigger problem is that the author has clearly never heard a woman speak before.


Via Reign-cw.wikia.com

In this mysterious world, the default volume for sex is yelling, the default tone is offensive, and the default grammar is incomprehensible.


"I GOT YOU'RE BITCH WHORE!," Shad said picking up his pace.

There's a difference between talking dirty and talking like senile Al Pacino. Melanie has more orgasms in the span of 10 minutes than I've given women in my lifetime, because the author thinks the refractory period is an art museum exhibit. I'll refrain from further excerpts, because terms like "meat staffs" and "geyser of pussy juice" could turn you off of both sex and Christmas dinner, but I'd like to draw your attention to the character of Dave, Melanie's cousin and one of her eight paramours.

In addition to having the biggest dick and the tastiest ejaculate of the gang, he's the hottest and the best at getting Melanie off. She asks him to officially become her boyfriend so they can have even more amazing sex and also watch anime and wrestling together. She's so happy he agrees that she promises him an orgy with eight girls.

Via Fanfiction.net
Which you can read about in the sequel!

At first I thought it was weird that the protagonist was based on me, but the author's profile introduction, "What up my Names Dave," reveals his real influence. I shudder to think what would drive a man to make himself the star of indescribably filthy iCarly porn, but Dave, whatever your reasons were, I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. We'll get through this together, OK? Be strong. Merry Christmas.

For more from Mark, check out 5 Shockingly Insane 'Game of Thrones' Fanfiction Sex Scenes. And then check out 54 Great Movies Combined Into 27 AMAZING Scenes.

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