Christmastime is here, but fan-fiction writers have replaced "happiness and cheer" with "screams no one will hear." In the latest of my attempts to be the Grinch to your Whoville, I've found trauma-inducing stories by authors who took a good, hard look at a holiday about peace, joy, and precious time spent with beloved family and said to themselves, "I want to ejaculate all over this."
#6. "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
Yup. This is happening. The author claims it's a parody, but you can't write 5,700 words of Peanuts erotica and then pretend it's just a joke. That's like getting caught masturbating in your sister's underwear and claiming it's a prank.
He especially liked her pert little ass. The cheeks were firm, small, tight, soft and smooth as glass. He wanted to spread them and look at her tight little anal pucker.
That's Charlie Brown referring to his sister, Sally, and you couldn't ruin someone's childhood quicker if you had a clown suit, a puppy, and a gun. Sally gives Charlie Brown a blowjob and then pees in his mouth, possibly because someone is trying to summon the vengeful spirit of Charles M. Schulz for a dark and blasphemous intent.
Via Wikimedia Commons
"I'm going to find whoever did this and kick a football right into his teeth."
Much like the beloved television special, the story is a series of vignettes with an underlying plot. Unlike the beloved television special, every moment forces you to comfort yourself with the fact that existence is ultimately meaningless and the terrible knowledge you've gained will one day be lost to the merciful void. Someone wrote about Lucy having sex with Snoopy, and only oblivion can erase that from your mind.
The dog eyed the crotch in front of him, dropped the blanket and sniffed. 'Whoa!' he thought, 'pussy smell.' He stuck his wet nose deeper into her crotch, poking into the little slit beneath the panties.
It gets much more explicit than that, but I don't want a lynch mob outside my house, so let's skip ahead. Linus and Charlie Brown go Christmas-tree shopping, during which Linus talks about how he blackmailed Peppermint Patty and Marcie into filthy sex. Then he teaches Charlie Brown about the joys of ass play, as one does after a successful tree purchase.
Even the tree is ashamed.
Linus put his hand between Charlie Brown's legs and fingered his little brown ass pucker. Charlie Brown had never thought about his asshole as a sexual area, but Linus's finger there felt great.
Then comes the big Christmas party, which soon devolves into an uncomfortable Peanuts orgy. Charlie Brown gets to have nasty sex with the little red-headed girl, which is hardly canonical, and Lucy embraces her perversions and fucks a dog in public. But Woodstock and his other bird friends don't get involved, because that would be going too far.
Woodstock and his friends didn't know what to do. They left and went ice skating on the frozen birdbath.
"If you're asking for a hug, I'm afraid I'm going to have to decline."
That's the line the author drew. Thousands of words of hardcore porn about beloved child characters and a goddamn dog are all fine and dandy, but only a pervert would introduce birds into the proceedings. We wouldn't want to make Christmas awkward.
#5. "You Do Something to Me"
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Arthurian legend isn't generally associated with the holidays, but apparently the Round Table liked to eat turkey and watch bards tell the merry story of the unusual Griswold clan. But all isn't well in Camelot on Christmas Eve, as Merlin is convinced that St. Nicholas can't bring him what he truly wants -- love.
Gaius was about to question Merlins reply but at the look on the young Warlocks face he stopped, that look was all too familiar. It was the look of Love.
Via Wikimedia Commons
I think we all recognize it.
Any child who asked Santa to bring grandpa and grandma's puppy back can tell you it's true he can't bring you love -- at least not the kind children should be talking about. Gaius immediately goes to tell the gang that Merlin's depressed, because apparently Camelot was a lot like high school. Gwen knows why, and she blabs.
Gwen looked unsure for a moment before she tentatively revealed Merlins secret longing for Arthur to Morgana and Gaius. They both looked shocked at the news.
"Please dont repeat it to anyone he would never forgive me if he knew that I told on him." Gwen asked blushing.
Well gee, Gwen, maybe you shouldn't have told them, then, you gossip whore. And, uh oh, Arthur is standing right next to them the whole time! They're really stupid!
"We have to find him!" Gaius said firmly looking too at the spot where the Prince had stood. He couldnt believe their stupidity, discussing a matter as important as this where the very object of Merlins affections could hear the whole ordeal.
They search the castle to find him and ... actually, their plan isn't clear. Tell him to pretend that Merlin doesn't have a mad crush? Convince him to not have a mature, adult conversation about it? We'll never know, because the scene shifts to Arthur's point of view as he makes it very clear that he's interested in putting his Pendragon in some wizard ass.
Gently he held Merlins beautiful eflin face in his strong hands as he lowered his face slowly. Merlin could've sworn that he felt his heart stop as Arthurs lips gently brushed off his for the first time. Electricity spreading through him like wildfire, as he eagerly returned Arthurs kiss.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Then they made an innuendo joke about the sword and the stone, as is expected.
The Knights of the Gossip Table arrive just in time to witness the passion, so not only are they trying to sabotage a romance, they're happy to gape at it like it's ye olde Skinemax. Jerks.
Now, at first this looks like just another dime-a-dozen Arthurian Christmas erotica. But not only was "You Do Something to Me" inspired by a Paul Weller song of the same name, it made its debut on the forums of dating website Plenty of Fish. That's like if the first draft of Fahrenheit 451 had been inspired by a Nat King Cole track and was scribbled all over a public bathroom. I really hope a huge Paul Weller fan looking for someone to share their King Arthur porn with came across it and a beautiful romance blossomed.
#4. "A Christmas Carol"
Anyone can write a story about Ebenezer Scrooge getting laid, which I know because I've read several. But it takes horribly misplaced passion to write a modern retelling that's 21,000 words long. "Ebon" has the same Christmas Eve tradition that I do -- sex with a high-class escort followed by existential despair. After he's done, the ghost of Jacob Marley reveals that he was watching:
"This is being horny like a 14 year old boy, being able to watch someone get what that woman just gave you and only having it build more. You can't complete anything on this side, Ebon. You just get to feel it build."
"I know it looks like I'm having an orgasm right now, but trust me, I'm not.
But there's more to Jacob than complaints about how ghosts can't get off -- Ebon is going to be doomed to an eternity of sorrow if he doesn't find love. That's a shitty message to send single people, but before we can dwell on that the Ghost of Christmas Past takes Ebon to his simpler youth when his foster sister, Brenda, got him drunk and took advantage of him. Ah, memories.
The older Ebon saw everything he should have noticed at the time. How she watched him drink carefully (he had not had much experience with alcohol), how she didn't drink but only used the cup to warm her hands, how her breathing had nervous hitches in it, the shining in her eyes as her decision solidified the more and more the alcohol hit the younger Ebon.
The scene gives us all sorts of great character development that Dickens thought unimportant to include, like the fact that Ebon is great at cunnilingus.
Christmas Present takes Ebon on a tour of all the women he could be scrooging if he hadn't been so focused on his career, because what woman would ever want a hard-working man with tons of money and power? This includes Brenda, but the sexy Ghost of Christmas Future reveals the terrible fate that awaits her:
"I played with Melisa's grandchildren, today." she said. "Sometimes I wish I had had children, but..."
"Fuck!" Ebon exclaimed standing up, and kicking the gravestone. "You fucking waited. How the FUCK could you wait for me, Brenda?"
Despite being cold and emotionless, Ebon is so amazing that Brenda would rather die alone than settle for someone else. Oh, and Ebon's secretary's daughter kills herself because he wasn't nice enough to her, or something.
Tiny Tim just gets hit by a truck off-screen.
With valuable lessons learned, Ebon races to Brenda's home to make out with her in front of her friends, heads to his secretary's home to give her a promotion and convince her daughter that life is worth living, then goes home to wait for some Christmas incest (Chrincest?). Ebon's life is finally complete, and he won't endure eternal suffering for not banging his sister. Also, the daughter, despite meeting Ebon just hours ago, is happy to drop Christmas with her family to start an open relationship with two people decades older than her.
Brenda jumped as a third hand joined both of Ebon's in caressing her back. She looked beside her, and just behind her. She saw an attractive raven-haired, green-eyed woman, green flashed on the woman's wrist.
Because after rekindling a relationship that was dead for 12 years you should immediately initiate a threesome without asking. Thankfully, Brenda's cool with it. It's a Christmas miracle!