The 6 Most Horrifying Child's Beauty Pageant Contestants

If you've never seen Toddlers & Tiaras, your soul is less tainted than those of people who have. It's a program on TLC about parents who hate their own offspring and make them perform like deranged mascara-ravaged monkeys on stages with similarly soiled children in evening wear and sequined vomit cloaks so that the audience can try to discern who is the most soulless and abominable in any given episode from among a malevolent circus of bestial subhumans who pretend to be supporting their child's hobby but are generally exploiting them for shallow and pathetically crass purposes. It's a joy to behold.

While the idea of a beauty pageant for children is objectionable in and of itself, things can actually get worse. How much worse? Oh man, look!

#6. Hooker Kid

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As a people, we have decided that we don't want children to be exposed to certain things -- bullies, the Saw movie franchise, the music of 2 Live Crew, and maybe dressing up like an honest-to-goodness, $20 for a blow job prostitute. Now, let me say right off, I do not condemn prostitution; it's probably one of the most honest business transactions in the world. But dressing a child up like a prostitute is a whole different ballgame (the game is called Mom's a Dipshit).

In this case, a 3-year-old girl featured on an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras & Terrible, Brain Dead Fuckstick Parents was released on stage to a cheering crowd of like-minded mouth breathers as she danced to the song "Pretty Woman" dressed just like the pretty woman herself, Julia Roberts, as seen in the movie of the same name in which she played someone who polished Richard Gere's ball sack in exchange for nice dinners and some flash money. Remember when he buys her that necklace and he closes the box as she reaches for it and she busts out in boisterous laughter? That necklace was a gift for anal.

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"I'm ... earning ... matching earrings!"

Sure, it's just a movie, but it's a movie about a whore. Even if she has a heart of gold and all her own teeth, she is someone who porks strangers for cash, and that's the kind of thing your kid should wait to experience, at least until she can properly pronounce her Rs so the word comes out as "whore" instead of "ho-wah."

After the non-insane world erupted in an uproar over this, the little girl's mom was apologetic and promised to use more sense when making decisions about her child from then on. Just kidding -- of course that never happened. Instead, her mom is proud of her choice and all the media attention it garnered for her li'l victim because, as you'll notice, most if not all of these parents seem functionally incapable of actually caring for their children, as opposed to using and exploiting them for whatever it is they get from competing in pageants, whether it be money or notoriety or a chance to be mocked mercilessly by online comedians.

#5. Fake Boobs and Ass

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When dressing your child as a hooker doesn't go far enough toward needlessly sexualizing her, you can always try to compensate for her lack of having reached puberty yet by giving her fake breasts and a fake ass. This of course brings to mind the original name of the show, Toddlers & Tiaras & Tits.

In this case, the little girl in question was 4 years old, and her mom, as deluded as all the other mothers who do this pageant stuff, thought it would be an awesome idea to dress her daughter like Dolly Parton. Incidentally, a Dolly Parton costume is always a blonde wig and D cups, that's about it.

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Atta girl, you're halfway there!

This story gets special attention for hilarious irony, in that, while defending putting the girl in pageants, Little Boobula's grandma pointed out that the money they win can go toward expensive schooling. I can't imagine that tuition at clown college is really so pricey that simply putting a bit of your salary in savings week to week wouldn't cover it, but what do I know? Maybe it's DeVry's Clown College and tuition hits four digits.

To put the whole issue into perspective, the mom reasoned that people are going to get a bug up their ass about anything. For instance, if your child is in gymnastics, she has to have her hair and makeup done too, so what's the difference? At this point, not a single person jumped into frame and said "Tits! You gave your toddler fake tits and a fat ass, you great simian oaf!"

#4. Tooth Bleaching

It's all fine and good to alter your kid's appearance with strap-on dildos and hoof hands and whatever other abusive thing you can think of, but all of that comes off at the end of the day. The kind of thing that stays around in the long term requires chemicals and discomfort, because children have no business not being treated like jeans from the 1980s.

As you can see, Mama Snaggletooth is pretty convinced that this is necessary and OK to do to her children, despite most dentists suggesting that it's not recommended until a child's adult teeth have grown in. But a woman who does this once a week clearly knows better than professionals by the transitive powers of bug fuck nuttery.

Mom's reasoning for this is that other kids use fake teeth, like awesome porcelain grills, but those are fake and altering what God gave you, which she is against. Best to just bleach the color out of what God gave you the unnatural way, like Jesus would have if he were alive today and a heavy smoker and/or drinker of coffee.

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Felix Clay

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