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The 6 Most Effective Ways to Lie on Your Resume

#3. Fake Name

Normally, your name is the last thing you would fake on your resume. If you were to get hired, you'd then have to live your whole working life under that name, which will massively complicate the payroll process.

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"There seems to be a problem with your check here, uh ... Mr. Coolio Stallone."

Fake names should only be used when submitting decoy resumes, which is a super advanced technique you probably haven't heard about before, probably because of liberal media bias. Decoy resumes can be used in one of two ways. First, by submitting several fake resumes that match the job description perfectly, you increase the odds that you'll end up on a short list with three other candidates who don't actually exist. The second way of using fake names is of course blatant sabotage ...

An Example:

#2. Fake Threats

Real resumes almost never use threats, because most job applicants are eager to demonstrate how sane they are. "I'm an ideal candidate, and your pets definitely aren't in danger!" these people are saying, unimaginatively.

Which is unfortunate, because the interviewing process is already badly unbalanced; the hiring manager has all the power in the relationship. By making threats, you tip that balance back in your direction. And by making fake threats, you tip the balance back in your direction in a fun, consequence-free kind of way. "Ha ha! Your pets were safe the whole time!" Who wouldn't respond to the relief of hearing that statement with a firm job offer?

If you do happen to find someone who reacts poorly to that kind of offer, consider combining your fake threats with that sabotage technique discussed earlier.

An Example:

#1. Fake References

Once you get deeper into the interviewing process, references become incredibly important -- when hiring for a position of any responsibility, most hiring managers will check up on at least a couple references for their chosen candidates. And if everyone who ever worked with you is glad I used the past tense of "work," then you could be in a lot of trouble.

Faking references is a possible solution, and even a relatively low-risk one. Simply get a spare cellphone that you only answer in an Indian accent, or, more mundanely, have it answered by a friend who owes you a favor, Indian or otherwise. Remember to brief your reference, so that their story matches up with your other lies. If your most important work experience is about your time as a software engineer, your phony reference had better be able to speak knowledgeably about how you were able to excel in an Agile development environment. And if you've been threatening to kidnap your editor's pets using a fake name, this is where you put the cherry on top ...

An Example:

Conclusion

As you can see, when lying on your resume, you have to always consider the long game. What if it gets found out? When is that likely? What will be both the long-term and short-term effects of this? Are you going to be in and out of a low-level job within a couple years? Then yeah, maybe you can get away with some lies. Or are you applying to be the CEO of Yahoo!? Because that's kind of a long-term, high-profile move; someone's bound to smoke you out. Maybe lie a little less, or take a couple night courses until you do become qualified to lead Yahoo!

Or are you simply trying to get a co-worker thrown in jail for a couple days just to see if you can? Because even if that does get eventually found out, you might be able to get a column out of it, and it will at least look really good in the "Treachery" section of your next resume.

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For more from Bucholz, check out 7 Tips for Sexting Someone You Barely Know and 10 Helpful Tips For Bending The Masses to Your Will.

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