Cracked Columnists

The 6 Most Effective Ways to Lie on Your Resume

So last week, the CEO of Yahoo! was forced to resign after it was discovered that his resume was not composed of traditional resume things like accomplishments and proper names, and was instead more of an intricate trusswork of deceit meant to snare gullible Yahoo! board members, fooling them into ruining that fine company's reputation. Cracked has covered famous resume cheats before, showing by example how not to get away with lying on your resume.

"But how," our readers might ask hypothetically, a thin sheen of sweat visible on their brows, "might one actually get away with lying on your resume? I have a ... friend who needs to ... steal a loaf of bread to feed his family, and ... needs to pull this job from the inside, I guess? And he'd like to know how to lie on his resume."

Relax, terrible liars, I'm here to help. And, after consulting with experts in deceit, who may have been overstating their expertise now that I think about it, I've compiled the following guide to help you lie on your resume. To better illustrate this advice, I've also included sections from the resume I recently used to reapply for my position here at Cracked, a slightly humiliating chore we have to do semi-annually around here. (It's part of a morale-boosting exercise. [To boost the morale of management. {Who feed exclusively on human misery.}])

#6. Fake Education

Having a certain education is often a minimum requirement for most job postings. That degree is typically the first thing a hiring manager will look for, even if only a tiny fraction of the degree is actually useful to that job, and even if that tiny fraction was forgotten due to the effects of vodka and mistakes. So long as you have the piece of paper, you're good.

And really, why even get the piece of paper? Why not just write down the name of that piece of paper? Can you spell a school correctly? That's basically good enough. Hiring managers are very busy people -- that's why they're hiring, funnily enough. Calling a school and asking about some dickhead's English degree is very rarely done. If you're really worried about this, make up the name of a school in a place that looks like it'd be expensive to call.

An Example:

#5. Fake Experience

The "Work Experience" section forms the bulk of most resumes, and with good reason. For HR purposes, past performance is far and away the most likely indicator of future success, and it's here that hiring managers will look to see if you have what it takes to fulfill the role of waitress, or sales manager, or CEO of Yahoo!

When doctoring this section of the resume, you obviously want to paint yourself as the ideal candidate the hiring manager is looking for. But also consider how likely it is that your lie will be uncovered. Hiring managers are most likely to investigate the most important and the most recent jobs, so keep your fabrications minimal there. Save your most creative stuff for the older entries; hiring managers understand it's often not possible to get references for things that happened a decade or more earlier.

An Example:

#4. Fake Skills

This is a slightly fluffy part of the resume, where you list the skills you bring to the job. Most hiring managers only give this a passing glance; obviously, the most useful skills will already be reflected in the "Experience" section. It's still useful to have this section in here, however, if only to populate your resume with keywords that will get it picked up by the filters and unfeeling robots who are a sad part of the modern hiring process.

Remember to be careful here. Any skill that is really critical for this position will likely be tested during the interview process, which will be a lot harder to fake your way through.

Getty
"No, don't put that in your mouth. Where did you say you learned Excel again?"

Instead, flesh out your skills with phony ones that make you look more interesting. Choose something that will catch the eye, but isn't job-critical; advertising your German-speaking skills is a good way to find yourself trying to fake a German conversation. Try advertising something that sounds kind of impressive, but that no employer will ever use, like orating, or Visual Basic.

An Example:

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Chris Bucholz

  • Rss

More by Chris Bucholz:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

433 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!