My neighbor Webster defines a "sex toy" as that which fits in one's ass on purpose, and repeatedly, because it's fun. Webster makes his own wine in the garage, though, so don't quote him. Still, his heart is in the right place -- and that place is near your ass. Sex toys are generally meant to be used for fun times in and around your fun-time places. Seems reasonable. And yet, just as you can accidentally get your head stuck in a bucket and have to call 911 to get it removed and be reminded of it every Christmas for the rest of your life by Uncle "Never Had His head in a Bucket" Steve, so too can you run afoul of sex toys in most unpleasant ways.
6 The Scarecrow
Aleksei Lazukov/iStock/Getty Images
Have you ever been a lonely Argentinian farmer? Let this story serve as a warning for you and your insatiable, adventurous loins. Don't fuck a scarecrow.
"Don't fuck a scarecrow" was the last thing my father said to me before he finished the bottle of pills and left on his rocket bike forever. But it's sound advice, and it should have been heeded by Jose Alberto, who decked out his scarecrow with a wig, lipstick, and a big ol' strap-on wiener. Now, this sounds like a cool party waiting to happen, but it ended up as some kind of fearsome urban legend the local alpacas tell their children to keep them afraid of man. As it happens, Jose was a bit of a loner, and after he wasn't seen for a spell, locals started becoming suspicious of a weird smell at his place. The smell was Jose, sadly. He had died while riding his straw-packed lady friend in the living room.
"At least he died doing whom he loved."
At first, authorities thought there were two bodies, but of course number two was just Mrs. Crow packing a six-inch surprise. Jose probably suffered a heart attack, so the upside is he went out a happy man and didn't have to endure the shame of the really callous reporting that followed his demise -- including this quote from the NY Daily news, which referred to him as a "depraved sex fiend." Listen, NY Daily News, it's the right of every man and woman on Earth to fuck a scarecrow if they so choose without being judged by the media. Obviously, we know now that it shouldn't be done, but don't kick a man when he's down. Or in this case, when he's dead from fucking a scarecrow. He's in a bad way; he doesn't need anyone making it worse.
And don't miss the moment the NY Daily News tactfully mentions that he tended sheep with no further implication.
5 Vibe Bomb
Remember when kids used to say "That's da bomb!" and maybe they were talking about the new flavor of chips made with picante cheese and trout seasoning, or like a pair of shoes that can calculate how much to tip a valet? Yeah, 2004 was a good year. Anyway, something that is not the bomb is anything you're meant to stuff in your bum. Or most things. Or this thing, at least.
A courthouse in San Diego was evacuated after one particularly eagle-eyed lover of all things law abiding spotted what they assumed to be an explosive device on a patio outside. Oh shit, they're bombing our legal system! Or not, because the bomb -- which had the appearance of a shiny, aluminum egg with a wire coming out of it -- was that other thing that looks like a shiny aluminum egg with a wire coming out of it. It was a vibrating egg, suitable for use in any hole you keep below your belt. Use it on the bus, at church, or, if you're being sued, in court. There's really no wrong time to set your nether grottos abuzz.
Okay, well not every hole.
About an hour after the device's discovery, people were allowed back into the courtyard. Suspiciously, no one came forward to claim the egg. I like to think that it rolled out of a pant leg when someone was having lunch, and they simply refused to acknowledge it in front of the others.