The V Cat D8R Earth Mover
If you drive a giant truck, most people will say it's because you have a small penis. I'm not sure if that science is accurate but the observation itself has become shorthand for, "I wish I was funnier." The fact is, a giant truck is all things American. It wastes faggy natural resources, looks sweet and starts conversations about the owner's penis.
That being said, the most giantest truck on the planet is made by Germans. The Krupp V Cat D8R earth mover rolls along on 12 46' tank treads and has a mounted bucket wheel sawblade bigger than .8 American penises. It's eerie how American this monstrosity is. It can pull up enough crap to fill 100,000 dump trucks a day -- the precise amount of landfill space McDonald's takes up per customer. It rumbles along at .33 mph, and the fact that that exact figure is our country's average jogging speed can't be coincidence. And most telling, like our American penises, it takes five people to properly operate it. If Germans had a sense of humor I'd swear their mining equipment was mocking us.
Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos
Like several other Americans, I briefly enjoyed a cartoon in 1986 called Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos. In one scene, here, government karate agent Chuck Norris stole a motorcycle from two fishermen and taught me the three sentences that allow anyone do anything they ever want.
Ethically, no comedy writer should be hyperbolizing about Chuck Norris after 2006, but his Americantasticness makes him the perfect figurehead for a point I want to make: Every cartoon that defined American childhoods was drawn by a disinterested Korean. Chuck Norris is certainly as American as karate, but his animators were all Tae Kwon Do. Karate Kommandos was animated at Hanho Heung-Up, which sounds more like the kind of place our government would send Chuck Norris over to kick. The language barrier and cultural differences might be why things like this happened without explanation in the middle of his show:
The list is endless: Transformers, ThunderCats, Super Friends ... all done in Korea. There was at least one point where a guy in Songpa-gu got up from drawing Snake-Eyes to ask his coworkers, "Why do I even bother to put my name on my dog sandwiches if some dickhead, probably Chul-Moo, is just going to eat them anyway."
And down the street from the G.I. JOE cartoonists, a pile of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe storyboards were confusing the hell out of a group of artists at Dong Woo Animation. On a different subject, Dong Woo Animation is the same studio He-Man himself would have picked because on Eternia the words "Dong" and "Woo" mean "Cock" and "Hooray."
The Shake Weight®
Americans can fix every complex problem in their lives with a single medicine or a device. The results speak for themselves -- our diet pill and electric belt technologies have made our trim physiques the envy of the entire world. I know your life is hard enough without the rest of this sentence, but in your face, fatties.
We don't even have to work out anymore. Between our Ephedra and our dishwasher-safe vibrating sex toys, our rippling born-free muscles couldn't unflex if they wanted. And the one product that represents the culmination of all American fitness science is The Shake Weight®. It tones, it firms, it suggests and it's already inspired the most hilarious line on all of Wikipedia (citation needed).
Studies conducted by Shake Weight's® own scientists have shown it's seven times more effective at "burning muscle energy" than a dumbbell that you're not pretending to jerk off. As an American, I'm done thinking about that, and if you told me that a Google search of the phrase "burning muscle energy" led exclusively to websites selling Shake Weights®, I'd punch you in your Socialist face.
My point is, this is the USA way to get in shape -- suspiciously easy, dangerously unlikely, and handjobs. Smart readers may have already guessed this next plot twist, but it wasn't made in America. The Shake Weight® was developed by a South African in Taiwan. Not cool. Americans didn't spend hundreds of years convincing our gentle-handed women to love handjobs so some foreigners could swoop in and take advantage of them. Maybe I'm stupid for thinking these things work, but Shake Weights® have replaced Vagisil as the first thing I look for in a girl's apartment. I'd rather get a rash than put my junk into an unthrottled milking machine that was once an arm. Taiwanese engineers are probably responsible for more dongs being torn off than He-Man and all the Masters of the Universe put together.
For more Seanbaby articles inspired by fuckin' 'merica, see If Awesome Lunatics Ran Airlines, Iraqi Failures for the Troops, and How to Show America You Care with Homemade Fireworks