6The Naked Terminator
a Terminator sent from the future."
Real robots from the future don't run, they just punch you mercilessly in the spine.It is at this point that I would like to suggest this man be crowned God-King of excuses, because that is a goddamn good one. We all know, thanks to the Terminator mythos, that clothes cannot be transported back in time. That explains the nudity. And one cannot tell a Terminator from a human being, so there's no way to immediately disprove his claims. Finally, if you even suspect that something is a Terminator, the last thing you want to do is arrest it. So in a perfect world, this is the kind of idyllic excuse that would win the Lie Oscars. It fits every criteria of the situation, negates every negative consequence of said situation and is also just goddamn funny. However, because this is not a perfect world, he was sadly snubbed by the Academy of Awesome Hail Mary Untruths, and instead was awarded several Tasings... in front of a group of school children there for a field trip. Authorities say the man had large amounts of LSD and marijuana in his system, which creates a quandary for me: Did he manage to think up the best excuse ever while naked on the freeway on LSD, or was this a very detailed, genre-specific acid trip and the entire reason he was naked on the highway was due to said Terminator Theology?
See? They really are oddly spine-focused robots, in the future.Because if the former is true, this man deserves the slowest of slow claps, but if it's the latter, then this is the most effective anti-drug ad I have ever heard: This guy dropped acid thinking, at most, he's gonna see some sweet tracers and maybe figure out what Wings was really all about. So he flips over to TNT (where The Terminator is always, always on)--cut to two hours later, and Mrs. Warwick's fifth grade class is doing research on the variable speed of ball spasms in reaction to electric stimulation. Wait... why the hell did you bring children to a casino for a field trip, Mrs. Warwick? You are not a very good teacher.
5The Four-Year-Old Who Stole Christmas
"That's what I love about these preschool girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."Now where the four-year-old mind parts ways from most adults is in the execution of the ensuing bender: Many of us would happily sit in our gitch and watch SpongeBob for the rest of the day, punch out the mailman, hug the dog and cry. That'd be cool. But Hayden decided to roadtrip it Hunter S. Thompson style. Sometime around 1 AM, he left home behind and took his beer out into the world. He wandered down the street in the middle of the night and rang a neighbor's doorbell who, upon seeing a four-year-old drinking beer in the wee hours of the morning did what any of us would do. He sent him on his way. Hey, last thing you need is a drunken toddler fuckin' up your place in the middle of the night. I mean, can you imagine? Going on about how that slut Dora won't explore anything new anymore and then puking on the coffee table. Who needs that hassle? So Hayden went to the next house and, finding they'd left their door unlocked, taught them why you shouldn't leave your door unlocked. He ransacked their Christmas presents, including stealing a brown dress which he was wearing when police finally found him.
Pictured: Hayden Wright, Sr.Cops took the little wino to the hospital where he had his stomach pumped and presumably he swore he'd never drink again (but you know he was hitting the bottle again the next day). Mom eventually showed up with a pantload of excuses about how his dad is in prison and he just wanted to go see him, none of which even broach how confounding it must have been for cops to roll up at nearly 2 AM and see a four-year-old boy in a dress with a beer. This is easily the greatest Christmas story I've ever heard and should be retold throughout the ages. It may even deserve its own claymation Christmas special. It really has everything: a felonious absentee father, cross dressing, irresponsible parents, irresponsible neighbors, several misdemeanors, a tall boy, a B&E and stomach pumping. If that's not the spirit of the season then Jesus has been hiding all those eggs in vain.