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The 6 Geekiest Sex Toys

We live in the sexiest time ever. For most of history, condoms were hollowed-out sheep guts, "getting lucky" meant not contracting a plague, and the more insane religions insisted that even masturbation was a sin (despite the fact that jerking off is the literal fucking definition of "enjoying yourself without bothering anyone else"). Any god against that is both a voyeur and a killjoy.

Getty
"Tell those starving children to WAIT, their Lord is busy watching Mrs. Jenkins think about Benedict Cumberbatch!"

Thanks to the Internet, the average modern teenager has seen more nudity than an orgiastic Roman emperor with X-ray vision. We've realized that human genitals are like LEGO: lots of fun to put together, and if you get bored with all the possible combinations, you can buy extra bits to connect. But this ability to screw absolutely everything has spilled over into, well, absolutely everything. For example: The '80s aren't just nostalgia, they're subconscious urges that have been stewing in hormones for 30 years.

Duelist Studios (NSFW)
It still gets longer when he shouts, but gives her an unfortunate double meaning for "Thundercats, ho!"

Sex has leaked into science fiction. And just like science fiction warned us, the real madness begins when this stuff escapes into the real world.

(All links in this article are obviously, ludicrously NSFW, unless your job is making these things.)

#6. Carbonite Kink (And a Real Companion Cube)

When you think of Star Wars sexy, I don't even need to finish this sentence.

Lucasfilm
Thinking of this image is more natural than turning on a light saber, and for men has similar effects.

But as proof that the Internet can do anything, Kink Engineering reversed the polarity of Princess Leia's gold bikini. They took something Star Wars that was dark instead of bright, entirely covers the body, and works just as well on men.

Kink Engineering
It's also the only way to hold someone still enough for a Stormtrooper to hit them.

They've fetishized the "frozen in carbonite" scene, which is how you tell Rule 34 to bow down and suck it. Especially since these vac-beds can come with sockets. As can the users. The vac-bed is a form of total bondage and proof that even insane ideas like "connecting your naked body to a vacuum cleaner" can work with sufficient technology. They're the rubber-wear equivalent of being locked in a stasis field, except you can still feel what happens to you. The user breathes through a hose, or can get a vac-bed with a hole for their face (which we assume is accompanied by a suitable Monty Python song).

Then they added a third dimension to achieve the impossible. Months after Portal's Companion Cube became popular online, and months minus one day after it became sickeningly overused, they found a way to put new life into the idea and make the name literal.

Kink Engineering
With this cube, you can eat your cake and have it.

Just like the game, it even has options for pushing yourself through what seem like physically impossible portals.

Kink Engineering

#5. Total Recall Sex Doll

In 1990, Total Recall predicted that the future would use technology to make our memories better. In 2012, Total Recall did the exact opposite.

Columbia Pictures
You'd think that people who make movies would know that "Trying to beat Schwarzenegger in a movie" doesn't work.

The most famous part of the original is the triple-breasted hooker, because that captured 150 percent of the attention it was possible to capture from adolescent boys.

Carolco Pictures

And just to prove that it's possible to screw up any idea (in two different ways), we have the Area 51 sex doll.

Pipedream Productions
Even the doll seems surprised to look so crap.

Pipedream Products doesn't have the official license, so Columbia Pictures has some standards (recent evidence to the contrary). But the trimammaries make it obvious that the "balloons you can screw" company checked the calendar, realized that some kids who went through puberty in 1990 should be nicely desperate by now, and made them a product.

In a weird way, it's actually realistic. Because despite what five versions of Star Trek have taught us, we're unlikely to find alien life sexually attractive. If you're already pretending that something is a comatose alien captured by the military, the feelings of unconvincing skin, disturbing internal pressures, and interplanetary levels of shame make a lot more sense. Whacking off is fine, but such a low-budget plastic bag is the most insulting way of telling your genetic material that it will never be needed. And that's still not the most unsexy inhuman option they offer.

Pipedream Productions
This one captures the full personality of the original. And will age more attractively.

#4. The Little Death Ray

The Little Death Ray combines Victorian design sensibilities, the French poetry of "la petit morte" as orgasm, '60s sci-fi styling, and modern vibration technology. It's like Lady Clankington harvested our existing history to build a real sonic screwdriver. And I didn't make up the name "Lady Clankington." The last person to jack off with this much science fiction was a character in Neuromancer, and she was connecting a very different kind of socket.

Lady Clankington

(Amazingly, there actually isn't a sonic screwdriver sex toy yet, despite that being the perfect name for one. And it explains how the Doctor gets more geek ladies wet than a sprinkler malfunction at a cosplay convention.)

Lady Clankington

Like all the best robotic dicks, the Death Ray is fully functional. So much so, it's built to accept replacement barrels when the originals wear out. These refractory replacements are 6.75 inches long and come in bronze or gunmetal gray. (Alas, genital dimensions are the one place where insisting on metric instead of imperial makes you the dick.) They're also working on the Butt Rogers Uranium Pistol. (How they resisted the urge to call it the Uranian Pistol is beyond me.)

Lady Clankington
Most weapons kick ass. This does something else.

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Luke McKinney

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