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The 6 Creepiest Services For Mourning a Dead Pet

#3
Crush Your Dead Rabbit into Jewels

For the stylish mourner, lifegems.com allows you to turn your pet's corpse into an elegant gem. No one will accuse you of inability to make lemons into lemonade when you can crush a sickly, cyst-covered rabbit into a girl's best friend. The process takes the cremated ashes of a pet and presses them into synthetic diamonds which you can then set in different presumably haunted jewelry.

Pictured: A true blood diamond.

The pets are really more of a side project for lifegems. Their real bread and butter is turning people into pretty stones. "A certified, high-quality diamond created from a lock of hair or the cremated ashes of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life." Just in case you breezed through that quotation, I'd like to pull out the most important part: a lock of hair. That suggests you can create diamonds out of a person who's still alive, a prospect that should terrify everyone who isn't a stalker. That said, I will admit that a diamond made out of a grizzly or a panther's hair might be the coolest ring with which you could ever propose.

#2
Make a Hat out of Your Dead Horse

For the ex-pet owner who likes the idea of wearing a dead pet everywhere but shies from the ostentatious, there's another option: you can have your pet woven into clothes. The Fuzzy Farm spins pet hair into wool so that you can remember your friend in a scarf, mittens or even a headband.

You honestly have no idea where that's been.

While the site doesn't just concentrate on dead pets, the most common suggestion they offer for remembrance is the memory square. It comes with a custom frame with the pet's photo, name and other things equally as useless as a hunk of fur-yarn. Though, I suppose if you are bad at owning pets then you could potentially have several of these made and fashion them into some sort of inter-species quilt for cold nights. To Fuzzy Farm's credit, of all the coping mechanisms on this list, this is the only one with a solid utilitarian application. I can really get behind their cause, especially considering that every strand of yarn was, at one point, a piece of someone's sheep anyway, and also because I'm hoping to seduce them into making me a vest knit from my own chest hair.

#1
Get an Email from Your Dead Snake

If you are having a hard time letting go of your pet and you want to communicate with it one last time, Romanian Nina Petre is here to help. She is a psychic detective who specializes in contacting dead pets. She refuses to talk to clients on the phone or in person, but if you're willing to pay around $180, she will channel your dead python like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost, except instead of making out with you, she will write an email as your animal. I'm not kidding. She will tell owners whether their pets are in heaven or hell and give detailed directions from the pet on how the owner should move on. One presumably desperate man paid this woman and received an email from his dog, Dicky that stated, "mean neighbor gave me poisoned food."

"Also, Dicky asks that you send me more money."

Despite the age difference and that unfortunate turtleneck, I am attracted to this woman. Her unapologetic, reckless approach to dealing with such a sensitive topic is breathtaking. Not only is she willing to profit off the misfortune of others but she's also willing to accuse neighbors of murder plots with no foreseeable gain on her end. Nina doesn't give a fuck. She's just here for the ride. If I'm wrong about her, then at the very least she's undercutting the reverence in which everyone holds the death of pets, and in that sense, I'm certainly no better than she is.

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Soren Bowie

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