Unpopular Opinion Podcast: Do Kids Prove We're Doomed? 5 Terrifying Ways Police Can Legally Screw You Over 5 Types of Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped
Cracked Columnists

The 6 Craziest Villains Ever Defeated by Snack Cakes

#3.
The Chairman!

Wow, we came into this adventure late. The Chairman has already turned the police into chairs and wait, what? And Spider-Man's trapped and being interrogated about antique chair shipping schedules? I have no idea how the fuck we got here. And I also have no idea why this isn't celebrated by the Smithsonian as history's first Spider-Man story written by a grandmother filled with paint fumes. If they really did this many drugs in the '70s, shouldn't more of us be centaurs?

What Message did this Ad Send?

Twinkies can do anything. The children throw Twinkies at the crime, and by the very next panel Spider-Man is free and the bad guy is a talking chair. Whatever those Twinkies did when we weren't looking, it was complicated and amazing.

This is one of the rare instances where Hostess Twinkies foil a villainous plot by way of their physical properties, not their distracting deliciousness. The skin of a Twinkie is so slippery that if you didn't mind taking a few years off your life, you could suck one through a straw. Look closely at the fifth panel:

One of those golden sponge cakes landed up the barrel of The Chairman's gun! Do you have any idea how much grease you need to have on the surface of an object to slide it into a hole 1/8th its size from 10 yards away? I do, ladies. You should really see some of these X-rays.

#2.
Simon Taylor!

Imagine you wanted to sell fruit pies to children. You hire a writer to come up with an exciting advertisement starring Captain America and he hands you this -- a nightmarish story scripted entirely in puns about a sweatshop owner whose dress patterns are actual screaming human women. Would you ask him to write you a new one? Of course not, because you're in six garbage bags. That guy was a murderer, you idiot. Did he have to come right out and hiss it in your ear while sharpening a knife?

My favorite part of the ad is not where the woman dies in agony as everything she is becomes a dress pattern. It's when Captain America bursts in and Simon's defense is, "OK, busted. I'm up to illegal stuff, but you're probably busy!" Then, instead of rewriting Captain America's genetic code into shrieking paper like he can do, he lassos him with easily breakable measuring tape and steals lunch from one of his workers. Captain America probably runs into this problem all the time at work where he ends up fighting people that are way too awesome to arrest.

What Message did this Ad Send?

The fuck if I know. I've seen enough Gary Busey movies to spot when someone's brain is 80 percent motorcycle accident, but that doesn't mean I can understand what they're talking about.

#1.
The Ding-A-Ling Family!

The best thing about superhero fruit pie stories is that they don't have time for setup. This story opens with Norse gods fighting hillbillies in a space R.V. and fuck you if you can't keep up. If they made a movie version of Thor in The Ding-A-Ling Family, it would take 70 or 80 minutes to get to where we already are in one panel and critics would still complain about the density of the script.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on here since half the dialogue is in Thor and the other half is in Appalachian, but from the mentions of "thy familial bonds" and "cousin-power secret weapon," I'm guessing you'd need M.C. Escher to draw the Ding-A-Ling family tree.

What Message did this Ad Send?

What message didn't it send? I can't say enough about the elegance of this writing. In the middle of a fist fight, without a narrator, the author somehow explains to Thor and the readers that if you get your sister pregnant, the babies will be immune to hammers. This writer could adapt The Great Gatsby for a bumper sticker.

Seanbaby invented being funny on The Internet with Seanbaby.com and if you enjoyed these Hostess ads, he documented the shit out of them. You can also enjoy him on Twitter.

For more, see The 5 Worst Comic Sidekicks of All Time, The Dr. Laura Board Game, and Every Women's Magazine Ever.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Seanbaby

  • Rss

More by Seanbaby:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

271 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!