Girls Like JerksThe Assumption: Girls Want A Sensitive Guy Who Understands Them
I can't pinpoint who told me that girls liked nice guys. Maybe I made that up. But in my home and on TV and in school I was always raised to treat women with respect. Why would the whole world conspire against me to teach me something that would prevent me from getting laid? It just didn't make sense. So yeah, I wanted to be that guy who listened. Who understood. Not only was it the right thing to do, but everyone would agree I had a way with the ladies.
The Disappointing Realization: That Douchebag Is Gonna Get More Tail Than You
Well it became pretty clear, pretty quick that my lady-killing techniques were more properly suited for a gay best friend than a ladies' man. Girls seemed to like jerks. Dumb guys. Bad boys. Whatever you want to call them. Basically, if you're the kind of dude Hollywood would cast as the jerk who loses the girl at the end of the sitcom episode, then you totally get to keep the girl in real life. I'd actually figured this out by the time I was 17. I even made this pronouncement in my health class during a discussion about feelings or something. My middle-aged ex-hippie health teacher was vaguely offended. "Really," she said. "Any of you ladies want to set him straight?"
No one did. Isn't that amazing? A classroom of 17 year-old-girls sat silent and fessed up to liking jerks. But not just because it was true. They knew if they claimed to be seeking a sensitive guy with a great sense of humor, I'd ask them out at the end of class. Eeew.
You Could Be Functionally Retarded And Still Be My BossThe Assumption: Elders, Especially Elders in Power, Are Wise
I know it's hard to believe, but for the longest time I just kind of assumed everyone who was older was smarter. Or maybe it wasn't older people. Maybe it was people in power. I was raised to believe in a merit system. That all you had to be was smart and hard-working and the rest just took care of itself. So when I finally entered the market place, I just kind of assumed anyone in a position of power had to have a skill set that justified their position.
The Disappointing Realization: Most People Are Bad At Their Job And Some of Them Are Your Boss
It's incredible how few people are good at their job. I mean, we all know the crappy waitress or drug store cashier, but it pretty much applies to everyone: doctors, lawyers, teachers, phone sex operators. And ultimately some of these people get promoted. Maybe they're related to the boss. Maybe the boss doesn't want someone too impressive directly below him/her for fear of being shown up. Maybe they're married to someone who can bring in business. The point is horrible talentless people get promoted all the time. And some of them are your boss or will be your boss. I know that's not a surprise to so many of you, but it was a pretty devastating realization to me. My first boss cleared in excess of $500,000 a year and, I promise you, he could not speak in full sentences. Know what's worse? He was smart enough to know he wasn't bright. And he knew it didn't matter. More than once he dangled his stupidity in front of me for the sole purpose of letting me know I couldn't do a thing about it.
AnalThe Assumption: The Dirtiest Greatest Thing Ever
Taboo sex. What's hotter than that? That's gotta be like the tightest, raunchiest, most amazing kind of sex there is, right?
The Disappointing Realization: An Inferior Orifice
Maybe it's just because I'm a huge fan and supporter of the vagina, but I have to go on record right now and say the anus is just an inferior orifice. I don't mean to offend anyone who spends a lot of time there. I mean, the anus truly is a miraculous place. Offer the right amount of stimulation and BAM, suddenly the whole thing just opens right up, doesn't it? And that's kind of the problem. Once you reach that magical moment, you transition from um, how to put this eloquently, forcing a hot dog into an erotically undersized bun to just kind of dropping it into a Big Gulp. In order to get that much transformation out of a vagina you usually have to push a baby through it.
At the end of the day, I think it's really more of a psychologically rewarding accomplishment than physical sensation overload type thing. Don't get me wrong, I much prefer sodomy to let's say working for my first boss, but it was a disappointment nonetheless.
The Notes from the Internet Apocalypse finale is coming next week so catch up, starting here. You can also keep up with the latest Internet Apocalypse news on Facebook. And/or follow Gladstone on Twitter. And then there's his site and fan page.