Cracked Columnists

The 5 Worst Ways Modern People Think About Sex

#2. As a Victory

Image Source Pink/Image Source/Getty Images

This kind of sex is also frat sex, or douche sex, or the sex of the pick-up artist, where you don't actually give a shit about what you're fucking, just that you're fucking. If you view sex this way, I want you to go find a mirror and look at yourself for a moment, then turn away quick -- see if you notice your reflection not moving in synch with you, since you have no soul anymore.

I'm not sure how this came to pass in the world at large, that people would want sex so much that it doesn't matter who they have sex with, but it's definitely a downer. I enjoy a cozy vagina (or preferred orifice of your choice) as much as anyone, but if it's not actually attached to a whole person that I can at least talk to for a few minutes, I think I'd feel pretty weird. I like my sex partners to have faces and the ability to say and do things that actually interest me in some way, and so should you.

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

You got a face, I got a face, what say we put 'em together?

This isn't to say you need to head to MENSA and discuss some Dostoyevsky for a few hours before signing up for a book club together to want to have sex with someone; I get seeing a chick who looks like the physical embodiment of sex in yoga pants and wanting to plow her like a field of soybeans right then and there. It's just that if you're not connecting at least a little, in some way, enough to feel anything about this person, then why aren't you just screwing a Fleshlight?

Maybe I'm the most naive pervert on the block, but I've always viewed the idea of using someone, literally using them, as unfulfilling simply because it seems like a lot of effort to get to the point where you've convinced another person to have sex with you, just to hit it and quit it, as the nuns at my old Catholic school used to say. Wouldn't it be better to at least have that relationship where you enjoy the person and don't have to feel ashamed or embarrassed and you can actually have fun together while having sex? Because that seems way better than using someone's orifices for 20 minutes and then high-fiving your bros while you drink your Pabst afterward.

#1. As a Sin

amoklv/iStock/Getty Images

This is the toughest of all entries to deal with on this list because I'm standing against thousands of years of established religious doctrine and calling it bullshit. Sorry, Jesus.

Many people view sex and sexuality in various forms as sinful and taboo and wrong. Look how many fundamentalists just cringe at the idea of sex ed being taught in schools. Counter this with the amount of people in the world who think you can't get pregnant if you have sex in a pool, or that sex with a virgin cures AIDS, and you'll see the value in education. But many people have a standpoint that if children are taught about it, they'll do it, as though sex ed were an instruction book that pressures you into doing things, in much the same way math class forces kids to become mathematicians.

Many religions view sex outside of marriage as morally wrong, or sex for non-procreative reasons as wrong. Gay sex is a sin, oral sex is a sin, pornography is a sin, and anything fun or different, or not missionary in the dark for the purpose of having a baby, is wrong. There's no good reason for it, of course, and the best answer you may get is that the Bible, or whatever religious text, speaks against it. Well, the Bible warns against wearing clothes of mingled fabric as well, so let's not pick and choose what words of God we can follow and which we can ignore.

The fact is, sex makes people uncomfortable in much of Western society because we've demonized it. And it's for no good reason at all. You can go back historically and you'll never find a good reason. Reasons, yes, but nothing good or defensible. Stupid reasons. The outcome of this is an abundance of hatred toward gays, an abundance of teen pregnancies, and an abundance of sexually transmitted diseases. That's how stupidity deals with problems. So don't be stupid and view sex and sexuality as bad. If it was bad, it wouldn't be the method by which life is created, for fuck's sake. That's a pretty big deal. And just like you don't always have to eat to stave off starvation, you don't need to bust out the sex swing just to reproduce. It's pretty obvious sex is meant to be fun. You stuck up folks need to chill the hell out.

For more ways we obsess over sex, check out If Sex Was Used to Advertise Everything.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Felix Clay

  • Rss

More by Felix Clay:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

1,771 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!