Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

In a recent Does Not Compute, we discussed (well, I discussed AT you, which is by far my favorite way to interact) Kickstarter ideas so terrible, they failed to raise any money or attract a single backer. Shattered dreams = hilarious! I also plugged my own Kickstarter, which, now that I think about it, probably wasn't the best mental association I could have gone for.


As if that didn't fill your soul hole with enough cognitive dissonance, I've now decided to share with you ideas just as terrible that nevertheless were fully funded. These are the Kickstarter projects that made my friends and me say, "Well, surely we can do better than THAT." By the same token, if we fail, it will mean our idea is less appealing than ...

5
Tentacle Bento: Finally, a Rape-Based Card Game

Tentacle Bento is an intuitive, easy-to-pick-up collectible card game that masterfully combines tentacle rape with you and your life and thoughts. BECOME the tentacle monster, as you rape your way through an all-girls school assembled expressly for the purpose! Ensure that the girls at school who never talk to you are now COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED! Please note, each pack of Ten Ben cards (not to be confused with Ben 10 cards) comes with a complimentary government tracker.


MADE: $30,000, and that's before Kickstarter suspended the campaign for being TOO SEXY.

4
Osombie: You Already Know Everything About It

When you think about it for even a second and realize that a zombie version of a terrorist is still just a zombie, you'll quickly come to the conclusion that a movie called Osombie is just an exercise in clever titling, and a clumsy one at that. Is it Osombie or Ozombie? GET IT TOGETHER, GUYS. ZomBea Arthur is the clearly superior novelty film concept (I have doodles). Fortunately, the makers of this Kickstarter campaign didn't think about it for even a second, and they skipped right to raising money and pasting blood-splatter effects.


MADE: $28,000, and my undying envy.

Continue Reading Below

3
Titanoboa: A Snake Robot That Will Kill You

Seriously, Kickstarter needs to hire a battery of professional titlers. Here are 10 names for a robotic snake that are better than Titanoboa:


  • TITSanoboa

  • Hissbot 9000

  • RoboCobra

  • "Oh dear God, it's CRUSHING MEEEEEEeeeeee!"

  • TitsandNOBRA

  • The robot formerly known as "S.N.A.K.E."

  • Cockbot 9001

  • Fangsley

  • The Terrifying Truth Behind Robotic Snakes

  • S.N.A.K.E.

See?! There were like two good ones in there, and I'm barely even trying! Although I guess I shouldn't expect a lot of forward thinking from folks who'll donate money to the proposition that there aren't enough unfeeling 50-foot metal serpents in the world.


MADE: $10,500, and me wet myself.

2
Twisted: Plagiarism in the Key of C!

Twisted, a musical adaptation of Disney's Aladdin in the style of Wicked, a musical based on The Wizard of Oz novels, in turn based on the novel Push, by Sapphire, which was of course notoriously cribbed from something Shane Black scribbled on a cocktail napkin in 1982, could actually be all right, for all I know. I'm not judging the content so much as the concept. The concept being that some theater kids are going to write and produce a twice-plagiarized musical, and you, someone who lives far away and will likely never see the musical, are going to pay for it. Did I mention that our thing gets transmitted to your phone via satellite?

MADE: $140,000, and Andrew Lloyd Webber roll over in the grave in which he sleeps due to eccentricity.

Continue Reading Below

1
Oculus Rift: Headgear and Nerds, Together Again

The Oculus Rift is a gaming device that's garnered a bunch of awards, including a Best of E3 nomination, and looks incredible, judging by reactions in the Kickstarter video. The only problem with it is that I'm old enough to recall the Virtual Boy. And I bought one. And it's this. Except "Virtual Boy" doesn't sound like a horrific eye trauma ... "I'm sorry, ma'am, we did everything we could for your son, but the Oculus Rift spread and now he's losing eye goo at a dangerous rate."


MADE: 2.4 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS, and me have to look up images of leaking eye goo just to cool down.



HELP ME COOL DOWN! DONATE TO MY KICKSTARTER CAMPAIGN HERE! 10 DAYS LEFT! I <3 U!

To turn on reply notifications, click here

953 Comments

Load Comments