The 5 Wittiest Comebacks in the History of Trash Talk

#2. Winston Churchill Defends His Booziness Like a Champ

Before Winston Churchill became Britain's most famous wartime prime minister, he was the young, sometimes boozy son of an aristocrat.

Michael Ochs / Getty
He was also part bulldog.

One night, at a 1912 party at his family estate, Churchill apparently got quite boisterous and irked American socialite Nancy Astor. At her wit's end, Astor stated, "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Churchill replied:

"Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

Bam! A zinger worthy of a great head of state, but today ...

How Joe Biden Would Ruin It Today

Jessica Kourkounis / Getty

"Well, lady, if you were my wife, I'd make you drink it. Well, no, that's a bit harsh. Did I just say I'd murder a woman? Sorry, got carried away with the malarkey. Obviously, I wouldn't murder a woman. I'm just saying, I'm from Delaware, and we know a thing or two about taking care of business -- whether that business is working hard at the factory to put our kids through school, or volunteering at the fire department to rescue our neighbors, or murdering women with poisoned coffee. Christ! I did it again. Never mind. I guess all I'm saying is cut me some slack. It's hard enough for me not to say politically incorrect things when I'm sober, let alone when I've been downing Jager bombs. Wait a second! Did you poison the Jager bombs? Is that what you were saying? Why would you do that?"

#1. John Barrymore Shows Composure When Caught in the Ladies' Room

John Barrymore was a well-regarded film actor in both the silent and the sound era of motion pictures. His siblings Lionel and Ethel were also renowned thespians, and his granddaughter Drew is terrible at everything.

All downhill from here.

In any event, one night after shooting, he stopped in at a bar near Paramount Studios, and after a time he made his way to the restroom. The problem, however, was that in his drunken confusion, he'd stumbled into the ladies' room. Shocked to see the film actor relieving himself there, one woman exclaimed, "This is for ladies!"

Barrymore turned to the woman, manhood still in hand, and explained:

"And so, madam, is this."

Sassy, ribald, but sophisticated.

How Tom Cruise Would Do It Today

Han Myung-gu / Getty

"What are you saying? That this isn't for ladies? What are you implying? Why are you implying that? I don't think I like that implication. I find it glib. Incredibly glib."

Watch the new HATE BY NUMBERS, where of the Black Eyed Peas recruits Britney Spears to make even worse music. And come see Gladstone do stand-up at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City at 9:30 p.m. on Wednesday, February 20, 2013.

Also, be sure to follow Gladstone on Twitter and stay up-to-date on the latest regarding Notes from the Internet Apocalypse. And then there's his website and Tumblr, too.

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