#2. Dee Dee Ramone Tries His Hand at Hip-Hop
Dee Dee Ramone was the bassist and primary songwriter for arguably the greatest and most universally respected punk band ever formed. They're often credited as being the very first punk band, and even when music snobs get technical about who did what first, no one can deny that at the very least, they were members of the elite forefathers who invented the genre. That's right, the Ramones invented goddamn punk music. No matter what you achieve in life, you will never be that cool.
When it came to music, Dee Dee didn't fuck around. He had so many projects going on, it takes up almost all of his Wikipedia entry. Among those was a brief stint as the worst rapper to ever pick up a microphone. He performed under the name Dee Dee King, and the worst thing you've ever heard starts about 35 seconds into the song "German Kid."
Now, I totally understand that musical taste is subjective. I know that some of you would look at my MP3 playlist and laugh me out of my own elaborately decorated dance room. But if you can listen to that monstrosity and enjoy it, your taste in music is incorrect, and you are just plain wrong about music. Wrong about life. Just wrong in general.
Of course, the best way I've heard it put so far is when Matt Carlson said that it "... will go down in the annals of pop culture as one of the worst recordings of all time. Which, of course, makes it one hell of a great collector's item." And the best part is that if you do own this album, chances are it's only been played once. So it's likely that all 12 people who bought it have a mint condition copy. Even Dee Dee, himself, knows it was horrible:
That's him explaining to an interviewer that he really wanted to do rap music because he loved it and he could relate to it, but he just couldn't rap. He didn't know how. But he did it anyway. Listen to the other guys talk about how he would show up for Ramones concerts dressed in the full rap outfit and just piss off the other band members. Everyone hated it, and I like to think that only fueled the fire for Dee Dee to continue doing it. It still doesn't change the fact that it was horrible, though.
#1. Corey Feldman Wants to Know What's Up With the Youth
I can't give Corey Feldman shit. I just can't. As bad as his modern "career" has been, that man has been acting since the age of 3. He's made The Lost Boys, Stand By Me, The Goonies ... hell, he was the voice of Young Copper in The Fox and the Hound. He's Donatello, for Christ's sake.
But back in 1990, he fell into some pretty hardcore drug problems, and found himself arrested three different times for cocaine and heroin. He did 10 months in rehab, and either as a direct result of cleaning up or (as I like to imagine) a court ordered anti-drug public service, he picked up a microphone. What happened next, on Howard Stern's show, is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen on video:
How ... how do you describe ... that? I mean, first you have Howard Stern, bald, in some sort of surreal onesie type of outfit. His pasty white ass spilling out the bottom like a pillow case full of cottage cheese. The set is filled with what you'd expect from a Stern show: girls in bikinis, fat white guys, a black dwarf in a grass hula skirt.
And then there's Corey. Dressed like a failed audition for a Color Me Badd replacement singer, performing a song about how kids shouldn't do drugs, and how gangs are bad. And then busting out a dance so aggressive and surreal, you immediately have to pause the video and ask someone to come watch it with you, so that you can verify that what you're seeing is real.
Oh, it happened. It happened so hard.
It's just so bad on every conceivable level. And every time you think he's running out of energy, and can't do that crazy leg-dance thing any more, OH GOD, HERE IT COMES AGAIN!
It's just exhausting to watch. But it happened. And thanks to the Internet, it's there forever. Luckily, he came to his senses after that and retired from music, resigning himself to a life of what he was born for: acting.
Just kidding. Here's one of the songs from his band Truth Movement. And here he is figure skating to Paula Abdul's "Opposites Attract." Enjoy that. You're welcome.
John has a Twitter thing, where he regularly trolls people for no reason. And special thanks to Chris Rio, Elijah Torp, XJ Selman and Robin Warder for help in finding these horrible, horrible things. Thank you all straight to hell.
For more Cheese, check out 7 Impractical Rock Star Fashions We Wish Had Caught On and 5 Ways Television Went Crazy Since I Quit Watching in 2003.