In the world of entertainment, versatility is a performer's lifeline, because no matter how much an audience may love it the first time they see it, they will only pay to see the same act for so long. For instance, Madonna sings, dances, writes and acts, and it's kept her in the spotlight for 30 years. Meanwhile, Jason Mewes plays Jason Mewes from time to time when Kevin Smith's Twinkie fund runs low. So that's why you'll see those occasional, bizarre crossovers with singers, actors, comedians and sports stars -- they're expanding their resumes so the world doesn't get bored with them and stop watching.
The following is what happens when a celebrity thinks, "Oh, I can do that," and because of their stature, nobody steps up to say, "Sit down, we need to have a talk. You're about to make yourself look catastrophically fucking stupid." God bless those people for retaining their silence. Otherwise, we'd have never been able to enjoy these cringe-inducing gems.
5Eddie Murphy's Repeated Attempts at Music
Very rarely, a big name star does something so disproportionately bad in comparison to their normal career that its echos can be heard for decades -- its shame tainting the laughter of our children's children's children. A perpetual shock wave of suck, defying the very core of physics, forever circling the globe and reminding us that, yes, this did indeed happen.
The first time that happened for Eddie Murphy was the well-known turdsplosion "Party All the Time." I'm not going to spend a lot of time deconstructing all the ways that this song and video were horrible because we've all seen it. Even children born after the '80s are shown this in school, as a warning. We've all felt the cold, clammy penis of death awkwardly slapping at our ear holes, and there's no need to rouse its anger again by reopening up the discussion. What's done is done. Lesson learned.
Wait, no it wasn't. No lesson was learned at all. Because there he is again in 1993, singing a song called "Whatzupwitu." And no, you're not hallucinating, that's Michael Jackson in the video. But ... how? Why? Wait, to hell with the "why" -- go back to "how" again, because ... how? The answer is found in a nine-minute-long video made the year before for Jackson's song "Remember the Time," which featured Eddie Murphy. That video was filmed and released in January of 1992, which is the exact time that Murphy recorded this volcanic lake of musical blasphemy. You don't need to be a historian to know it was a case of "Oh, hey, while you're here ..."
"But wait," you interrupt like a rude asshole. "If this time he had the King of Pop to help him write and produce the song, why wouldn't he take another shot at music? Maybe the first one was just a fluke bomb, so why not have another go at it?" Well, there are a couple of things wrong with that. First off, everyone always assumes that because "Party All the Time" was bad, it was a failure. It wasn't. That song peaked at No. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100, and No. 7 overall for the entire year.
That's his "suck it" look.
Second, Michael Jackson had nothing to do with the writing or producing of "Whatzupwitu." Eddie wrote and produced that himself. The actual advantage wasn't with that song -- it was with "Party," which was co-written and produced by Rick James. For you younger viewers, Rick James isn't a character played by Dave Chappelle. He's considered to be the greatest funk musician to ever live whose name isn't George Clinton.
The point is that the first time around, he had an idea for a song, he went to his friend Rick James and said, "I'd like to make this thing." Then they sat down and made it. Since they wrote it together, it had the heavy influence of a man who knew how to create and sell music that people would pay for. In Murphy's second attempt, he wrote a song in his spare time and used his opportunistic video filming with the world's most famous pop star to ask, "Can you sing background vocals for this thing I wrote?" And now he can never take it back.
"No, brighter. It's saturated enough when it burns the image onto their TV screens."
4Fall Out Boy's Bass Player Starts a Bar for Children
The entertainment world is full of celebrities opening their own businesses because in relative terms, fame doesn't last very long. You have to have something planned for your retirement after the public stops giving a shit about you; otherwise, you end up working as a security guard after being the most recognizable child actor in the world, like Gary Coleman, or evicted from your house after being the world's most famous heroin-shooting fucking embarrassment, like Courtney Love.
That's why you occasionally find yourself rolling your eyes as Bruce Willis tries to sell you his cologne or when you find out that Hulk Hogan had a failed restaurant called Pastamania.
Granted, the bassist from the band Fall Out Boy isn't exactly on the level of Hulkamania, or even a Hacksaw Jim Duggan for that matter, but that's actually why he decided to start his own bar. He was tired of not being let into elite clubs because the bouncers didn't recognize him. So in his own words, he started a bar "for all the rejects." No arguing with some asshole at the door. No palm greasing to get on a VIP list. Just show up, go in and get drunk with a hundred teenage girls and douchebags dressed in tiny pants with white belts. This is where you'll want to take notice of the very last line of that article I linked: "As for the fans, they'll probably need good fake IDs."
The person who wrote that must be a fucking prophet, because after numerous warnings by the police, the bar was finally shut down for repeatedly serving alcohol to minors. Which is kind of a blessing, I guess, since his original vision was "a place that anyone can go and have sex in the bathroom and not get in trouble." I'm assuming that if they let him talk long enough, he'd claim it was a place where you could bring your dogs and make a little extra money "if they know how to scrap." Or "fistfight a handcuffed minority without legal repercussions."
What I'm saying is that fucking in a public bathroom is illegal, you stupid emo cock.