The 5 Saddest Prostitutes in the World

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They say prostitution is the world's oldest profession, which is probably untrue, because how did that first guy pay for a hooker if he didn't have a job? Ha, never thought of that, did ya? So probably a farmer was the world's first job and then he met Sally Snugsnatch and she offered a taste of her goodies in exchange for some of his barley and they struck up a deal and there you go.

Much of the world is actually pretty open to prostitution (the happy kind where no one is forced into it), but there's a terrible underside to prostitution, and I'm not even talking about the underside of a prostitute, if you follow me (you do). Indeed, it seems the depravity of men knows no bounds, and there are some prostitutes out in the world who are just more terrifying and awful than boners should allow for.

#5. 70-Year-Old Twins

Louise and Martine Fokken are two of the most famous prostitutes in the world. They're twins, and they're also 70 and look like John Madden if you dressed him up like a lady from the late '70s in Milwaukee and told him to talk about how he'd gobble your hoggle for $50.

Working out of Amsterdam, the sisters had been in the business for 50 years before they became famous through a book and documentary about their lives that include some details about the more than 300,000 men the two had slept with. Need a reference point for a number that large? Kofi Annan once said that global warming kills 300,000 people per year. It's also roughly the population of Buffalo, New York, and the amount of people who showed up to see Pope Francis deliver his first Sunday prayer. Probably very few of them prayed for septuagenarian hookers.

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"Please, Lord, give MC Hammer a second chance."

One of the sisters retired a few years back, while the other still works part time, so there's a fun fact you just learned -- a 70-year-old lady can work part time as a hooker. No one is likely to say anything more ridiculous to you all day, and tonight your nightmares will probably include severely wrinkled clams in floral dresses trying to eat your soul.

The retired sister had to leave the game after arthritis forced her to give up bending over, an essential element to being a sought-after prostitute. Both ladies also have full-on families with kids and grandkids and everything, which you can assume means that in playground fights, "Your grandmother's a whore" either is an especially poignant insult or just slides off the kids like water off a duck, depending on exactly how they feel about Grandma's penchant for whoring.

The sisters themselves have expressed that they wouldn't do it all again if they had a chance -- they were forced into the profession, and now they do it because a pension just doesn't cut it for making ends meet. So basically this is the saddest story ever, until you finish this article. God willing, the ladies can live off of the proceeds from their story and stop the cash-for-coochie trade for the benefit of us all.

#4. Lindsay Lohan

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Normally I'd try to never actually make fun of Lindsay Lohan because it's a lot like challenging Stephen Hawking to a foot race. But given the specific nature of the subject at hand, this seemed like a fine chance to give LiLo her time to shine as a centerpiece in an article. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan's dad has a history of being an awful human being and trying to exploit, sponge off of, and desperately cling to the coattails of his daughter. So when he rang in the new year by allegedly telling the media that his financially derptarded and pretty much spiritually busted ass daughter was working as a hooker, it didn't make international headlines or change anyone's life at all. But it did give me an opening to include a celebrity in this article, because without Lohan, all I have is that U.S. Olympic runner to fall back on, and to be honest, I think most Olympic athletes resort to prostitution eventually.

Despite the Lohans' precarious relationship with relevance, it's worth noting that there is at least some circumstantial evidence to support this particular claim. For instance, Lindsay spent New Year's in London as a guest of the insane-haircut-having Prince of Brunei, who paid $100,000 to get her there. And probably just as friends, because what guy wouldn't pay $100,000 to just hang out with a strange woman? No, really, who wouldn't pay $100,000 to just enjoy her company? To just hang out with ol' LiLo and maybe play Fruit Ninja, knock out a couple of yogurt drinks, and hit up the Taco del Mar? And never, ever get Lindsay to quote lines from Herbie: Fully Loaded while rubbing grape jelly on her own ass, because that would be unseemly and certainly nothing she would do.

For legal reasons, I'm not confirming that Lindsay Lohan is a prostitute, by the way. I'm just saying that you can pay to spelunk her goodies if you're rich. Allegedly. According to the Internet. Which is never wrong.

#3. Molly Luft

Noted for being Germany's self-proclaimed fattest prostitute (no idea where she ranked on a world scale), Molly Luft weighed about 385 pounds in her prime, if the definition of "prime" can be abused in that way. More notable than that scrot-shriveling chestnut is Molly's penchant for slathering on makeup in a prostate-enlarging John Wayne Gacy visage of nightmares and whatever the exact opposite of a boner is. Put the whole package together and you get this:


Boner kryptonite.

If you possess a penis and it didn't just shuttle so fast into your insides that there was an audible whistle, then you must have seen some shit in your day. Luft claimed to have serviced 90,000 men in her life as a prostitute, which is only helpful if you know who those 90,000 men are so you never have to shake their hands. The key to Molly's success was low prices, a Subway-style punch card to get your 11th ride on the panic pony for free, and a money-back guarantee in case you get where you're going too soon. If anyone ever got where they were going too soon with a grandmotherly lady who paints her face like a Stephen King night terror, they probably also regularly scrubbed their genitals with Comet and suckled at the infernal teat of a chthonian goat beast for kicks.

If you're in the mood for a bit of suffering, you can even check out this short documentary on Molly in which you get to watch her put on makeup to transform herself from Ernest Borgnine into Ernest Borgnine with fake eyelashes. Later you can endure an extended sequence of the German version of The Golden Girls in which two other Mistresses of the Depends eat pizza with forks and knives and listen to Molly on the phone telling a customer about which girl does anal. I don't think "surreal" is exactly the right word for it, or why I'm so put off by elderly prostitutes eating pizza with forks and knives, but it's really something you need to see to believe in any event.

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Felix Clay

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