Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Andrea Chu/Photodisc/Getty Images

They say prostitution is the world's oldest profession, which is probably untrue, because how did that first guy pay for a hooker if he didn't have a job? Ha, never thought of that, did ya? So probably a farmer was the world's first job and then he met Sally Snugsnatch and she offered a taste of her goodies in exchange for some of his barley and they struck up a deal and there you go.

Much of the world is actually pretty open to prostitution (the happy kind where no one is forced into it), but there's a terrible underside to prostitution, and I'm not even talking about the underside of a prostitute, if you follow me (you do). Indeed, it seems the depravity of men knows no bounds, and there are some prostitutes out in the world who are just more terrifying and awful than boners should allow for.

5
70-Year-Old Twins

guardian.co.uk

Louise and Martine Fokken are two of the most famous prostitutes in the world. They're twins, and they're also 70 and look like John Madden if you dressed him up like a lady from the late '70s in Milwaukee and told him to talk about how he'd gobble your hoggle for $50.

Working out of Amsterdam, the sisters had been in the business for 50 years before they became famous through a book and documentary about their lives that include some details about the more than 300,000 men the two had slept with. Need a reference point for a number that large? Kofi Annan once said that global warming kills 300,000 people per year. It's also roughly the population of Buffalo, New York, and the amount of people who showed up to see Pope Francis deliver his first Sunday prayer. Probably very few of them prayed for septuagenarian hookers.

Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images

"Please, Lord, give MC Hammer a second chance."

One of the sisters retired a few years back, while the other still works part time, so there's a fun fact you just learned -- a 70-year-old lady can work part time as a hooker. No one is likely to say anything more ridiculous to you all day, and tonight your nightmares will probably include severely wrinkled clams in floral dresses trying to eat your soul.

The retired sister had to leave the game after arthritis forced her to give up bending over, an essential element to being a sought-after prostitute. Both ladies also have full-on families with kids and grandkids and everything, which you can assume means that in playground fights, "Your grandmother's a whore" either is an especially poignant insult or just slides off the kids like water off a duck, depending on exactly how they feel about Grandma's penchant for whoring.

The sisters themselves have expressed that they wouldn't do it all again if they had a chance -- they were forced into the profession, and now they do it because a pension just doesn't cut it for making ends meet. So basically this is the saddest story ever, until you finish this article. God willing, the ladies can live off of the proceeds from their story and stop the cash-for-coochie trade for the benefit of us all.

4
Lindsay Lohan

Pool/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Normally I'd try to never actually make fun of Lindsay Lohan because it's a lot like challenging Stephen Hawking to a foot race. But given the specific nature of the subject at hand, this seemed like a fine chance to give LiLo her time to shine as a centerpiece in an article. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan's dad has a history of being an awful human being and trying to exploit, sponge off of, and desperately cling to the coattails of his daughter. So when he rang in the new year by allegedly telling the media that his financially derptarded and pretty much spiritually busted ass daughter was working as a hooker, it didn't make international headlines or change anyone's life at all. But it did give me an opening to include a celebrity in this article, because without Lohan, all I have is that U.S. Olympic runner to fall back on, and to be honest, I think most Olympic athletes resort to prostitution eventually.

Despite the Lohans' precarious relationship with relevance, it's worth noting that there is at least some circumstantial evidence to support this particular claim. For instance, Lindsay spent New Year's in London as a guest of the insane-haircut-having Prince of Brunei, who paid $100,000 to get her there. And probably just as friends, because what guy wouldn't pay $100,000 to just hang out with a strange woman? No, really, who wouldn't pay $100,000 to just enjoy her company? To just hang out with ol' LiLo and maybe play Fruit Ninja, knock out a couple of yogurt drinks, and hit up the Taco del Mar? And never, ever get Lindsay to quote lines from Herbie: Fully Loaded while rubbing grape jelly on her own ass, because that would be unseemly and certainly nothing she would do.

For legal reasons, I'm not confirming that Lindsay Lohan is a prostitute, by the way. I'm just saying that you can pay to spelunk her goodies if you're rich. Allegedly. According to the Internet. Which is never wrong.

Continue Reading Below

3
Molly Luft

bz-berlin.de

Noted for being Germany's self-proclaimed fattest prostitute (no idea where she ranked on a world scale), Molly Luft weighed about 385 pounds in her prime, if the definition of "prime" can be abused in that way. More notable than that scrot-shriveling chestnut is Molly's penchant for slathering on makeup in a prostate-enlarging John Wayne Gacy visage of nightmares and whatever the exact opposite of a boner is. Put the whole package together and you get this:

Reuters

Boner kryptonite.

If you possess a penis and it didn't just shuttle so fast into your insides that there was an audible whistle, then you must have seen some shit in your day. Luft claimed to have serviced 90,000 men in her life as a prostitute, which is only helpful if you know who those 90,000 men are so you never have to shake their hands. The key to Molly's success was low prices, a Subway-style punch card to get your 11th ride on the panic pony for free, and a money-back guarantee in case you get where you're going too soon. If anyone ever got where they were going too soon with a grandmotherly lady who paints her face like a Stephen King night terror, they probably also regularly scrubbed their genitals with Comet and suckled at the infernal teat of a chthonian goat beast for kicks.


If you're in the mood for a bit of suffering, you can even check out this short documentary on Molly in which you get to watch her put on makeup to transform herself from Ernest Borgnine into Ernest Borgnine with fake eyelashes. Later you can endure an extended sequence of the German version of The Golden Girls in which two other Mistresses of the Depends eat pizza with forks and knives and listen to Molly on the phone telling a customer about which girl does anal. I don't think "surreal" is exactly the right word for it, or why I'm so put off by elderly prostitutes eating pizza with forks and knives, but it's really something you need to see to believe in any event.

2
The World's Oldest Prostitutes

Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

I feel like if I expound in any way on the title of this entry, it's just going to make all of us feel bad in the soul. Is there any way the story of a prostitute who's encroaching on the century mark can not be terrible? Just horribly, horribly terrible? No. But I can make it worse by making this entry about three of them, all over 70 years old. Just to clarify, sex should never occur after 70 years old. That's not my opinion, that's like some kind of natural law. I'm sure I'll die in a blimp accident well before I'm 40, but if I did live to my 70s, I would expect to be entirely sex-free. For the terrors of sex past 70, I invite you to look at Hugh Hefner. Eew.

Let's start with the young 'un, 71-year-old Sygun Liebhart, who is not an Icelandic post-rock band but a kindly old tart from Connecticut who was peddling her backside on Backpage.com, which proves that some old people can and do understand the Internet.

Across the pond in England, it made headlines in 2011 when the grandmother of one of the judges on The X-Factor was revealed to be a prostitute at 81 years old. She apparently even charged 250 pounds, which is about $375 U.S. Part of me hopes that most of that money was for the cost of delicious cookies she baked, but I know it wasn't. Not really. It was just for her old, tired cookie that no one should want to eat.

Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images

No, don't eat it, kid! Aww, that's gross. You're gross.

Taiwan beat that with the story of a lady who was 82 and caught on the street soliciting customers for about 300 Taiwanese dollars. Please have a sip of a beverage before reading how that converts to U.S. money. You good? It's about $10. I will take my $10 and go to Subway and get a soup and sandwich combo and a Dr. Pepper. That is what I will do with $10.

Finally, just for a little balance, let's go to Iowa. Ben Clifford Dawson, an 83-year-old in the running for local city council, was arrested on prostitution charges after trying to barter with a woman who owed him money by suggesting that he'd shave off some of the debt if she let him perform sex acts on her, which I assume means he wanted to give her the 23 Skidoo or the Eisenhower GumJob.

Continue Reading Below

1
Pony the Orangutan

Ryan McVay/Digital Vision/Getty Images

Say, do you have faith in humanity? Why don't you go ahead and put that in a tissue and wrap it up, give it a swirl in some Vaseline, and hand it to a hobo so he can jam it right up his ass, because you don't need it anymore. This story is whatever the polar opposite of funny is, with a detour through utter depravity and what the fuckery, but if you're going to cover the most heinous prostitutes on Earth, you really can't skip it. This is the story about an orangutan named Pony that was used as a sex slave in a village in Borneo. So that's pretty awful.

The orangutan was held captive at a brothel. She was chained to a wall and shaved every other day, so her skin was generally covered in pimples and mosquito bites. At this point you should be frowning mercilessly at the screen and cursing me for even telling you about this, but before you bust out your extra-special swears, let's just wrap up the horror with the final, awful details. Not only would Pony assume the position automatically when a man entered the room, but it took a rescue group over a year to free her, because the brothel owner and the locals wanted to keep her there so badly that they fought against her release. Police armed with automatic weapons had to be brought in to free her.

Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images

This should be your face about now.

If you find yourself questioning your value in life, or feeling guilt over having let yourself down in achieving your goals, helping your loved ones, or performing well at whatever task you set your mind to, remember that, for all your failings, you never shaved and imprisoned an orangutan for the purposes of prostitution. Whatever else happens, if you're down and depressed and questioning your self-worth, you have never pimped an ape. Nor have you fought to keep that ape available for intermittent sexings. You are never as bad as you may feel you are, because you never sank this low.

Because I hate to leave you on a downer, it's worth noting that after she was rescued, Pony grew back a fine coat of ginger bed-head-looking fur and was released into a forest, where she started a whirlwind romance with Christina Ricci and killed several dudes.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

1294 Comments

Load Comments