I wanted to write an article called "The 5 People You Meet in Hell" even before I understood what it meant. Surely, it couldn't be a list like: 1) Hitler; 2) rapists; 3) serial killers; 4) Stalin; and 5) Cracked's Adam Tod Brown. Much like Adam's columns, that wouldn't be interesting to anyone. So I kept thinking about it, and after a while I realized that if these are the people you meet in Hell, then that means you must have done something to earn a place in Satan's minivan. (Or Lucifer's bread basket, whichever you prefer.)
Our judges would have also accepted Mephistopheles' toaster.
So, who do sinners meet in Hell? Well, as Cracked readers, I'm pretty sure three things are clear to you: 1) Batman is awesome; 2) Teddy Roosevelt was badass; and 3) French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre wrote "Hell is other people." That sounds about right to me. Hell is about being confronted by all the people you've screwed over in life. It's an uncomfortable confrontation with your sins for eternity.
So, technically, these people I'm about to list aren't actually in Hell for their sins. Think of them more as guilt-inducing visions based on real people and designed to torment you forever. Lastly, I'm aware that this kind of Hell is only a punishment for people capable of feeling guilt. So for the sociopaths and all the other worst offenders I'm not listing here, Hell is actually a 350-pound gorilla sodomizing them 24/7 while singing Nicki Minaj songs.
"Bitch talkin' she the queen, when she looking like a lab rat."
But for the rest of us, here are some of the people we might expect to meet ...
#5. Any Woman You Ever Lied to for Sex
I doubt we go to Hell for each and every lie we tell, because that would create overcrowding even in a fictitious universe. Still, all lies are not created equal, and deceiving women for sex is one of the more repugnant ones out there. Specifically, dropping the "L" word. I don't mean "lesbian," although I guess women lying about being gay in order to sleep with other lesbians is bad thing, too.
Shame on you.
I'm talking about pretending to love someone purely for the spoils of sex. The type of guy who does that is the same dude who's really good at going away. He takes off, hoping that your hurt and embarrassment will keep you from ever speaking to him again. He knows that the kind of woman who requires love for sex is precisely the type of person who will be devastated to know she's been fooled. Emotionally violated.
In Hell, however, he can't get away. He's surrounded by each and every victim of his crime forever. And unlike real life, where about half of these ladies would succumb to his puppy dog eyes, saying, "Oh, I can't stay mad at you," and falling for his lies again, these women simply aren't having it. Oh, and in Hell, their bones are made of adamantium, just like Wolverine's.
"Let me explain ... when I said I loved you ... well, I thought I did, because ... um, can I just take my chances with the rapey, Nicki Minaj-singing gorilla, please? Help!"
#4. Any Child You Neglected
Parenting is the most important job there is, and while being a dad has shown me that much of a child's personality seems genetically predetermined, certainly being an awful parent leaves its mark. And one of the biggest mark-leavers would have to be abandoning your child. Abandonment creates a hole that's hard to fill, even by the drunken, dirty old men of Internet comedy.
Not your daddy. (Also, he's mine. So help me, I'll scratch your eyes out, bitches.)
I think a good visitor for an absentee parent would be two versions of their adult child: one the way the child actually turned out, and the other the way he or she could have been. Also, we can totally lie. Whatever makes the best torment. I mean, it's Hell. You can do that. In fact, we'll probably have to, because if these parents were classy enough to skip town, then there's no reason to believe the kid would have been better off with them around.
So let's take that absentee dad who ran off with his secretary to the other side of the country and forgot his kids existed. He'll get to meet his daughter the astrophysicist, who developed a new way for quantifying energy, and his daughter the discount stripper, who developed a new way of giving handjobs for under five dollars.
When I won that first Nobel Prize, all I could think of was the nights you stayed up helping me with my math homework.
When my nose first fell off from syphilis, all I could think was I wish I had a dad to drive me to the free clinic.
#3. All the People You Never Held the Elevator Door For
I'm not trying to say you go to Hell for not holding the elevator door, but if you're one of those guys who pushes "door close" all the time and you happen to being going to Hell already, well then I'd like to believe part of your torment will be facing every single person you've ever screwed over.
And it would be a pretty effective punishment, too, because the whole idea of closing an elevator door on someone is that you don't have to see them ever again. The door goes whoosh and your shiny metal box takes you away like some magic TARDIS containing a distinctly more douchebaggy Doctor. If elevator doors were made of glass, almost no one would be so bold as to hit "door close."
Yeah, that was a Doctor Who reference. Yes, I've kissed a girl. SHUT UP!
In Hell, though, these folks are placed in a crowd, and suddenly a "ding" is heard. The sinners look to see a golden elevator with a heavenly blue arrow pointing up toward salvation. They push through the crowd, finding the elevator first and, of course, hitting the "door close" button. They smile their shitty little smiles as they see the golden doors close on a desperate face. And at the moment the doors close and that face disappears from view, they feel a tap on their shoulder. They turn in surprise, only to see ... THE PERSON THEY JUST SHUT THE DOOR ON. AAAAIGH!!!!!!
By the way, was that the plot of that M. Night Shyamalan movie Devil? I didn't see it. Oh, wait. Look who I'm asking. No one did.