#2. i made this. you play this. we are enemies
Here are the actual step-by-step directions for how to play i made this. you play this. we are enemies:
1. Arrow keys to move
2. Space bar to jump
3. Explore, explore
4. Stop trying to "get it"
It's best that you strictly abide by #4 when playing. If you don't, you'll end up in a free fall down a rabbit hole of turbo-artsy douchespeak. Turbo-artsy douchespeak like this bit that's so up its own ass, it can see itself chewing food from the inside:
And using messy hand drawn elements, strange texts, sounds and multimedia layering, the artwork lets users play in the worlds hovering over and beneath what we browse, to exist outside/over their controlling constraints. Your arrow keys and space bar will guide you, with the occasional mouse click begging for attention. Each day the internet is humming with a million small interventions.
There it is, video game nerds! That's what it looks like when the world takes video games seriously. All the fun and interest is sucked out of them and replaced with pretension. I hope you're happy.
I'm pretty sure the game is more of a cry for help than it is a game, as if the person who made it had no voice or hands, but could slam his head against a keyboard well enough to make a video game version of a mass murder's manifesto. It's a crazy mash of random scribbles and sounds, all against a backdrop of popular websites, if they were printed on Denny's place mats and then drawn on with those shitty crayons they give you. And then there's a 2D platformer in there somewhere. If Jeffrey Dahmer downed a case of Red Bull and a sheet of acid, then surfed the Internet for a few hours, this game is what he'd see behind his eyelids when he blinked. In that brief, horrific moment between Mario's death and resurrection in a Super Mario game, he passes through the hellish nightmare limbo that is i made this. you play this. we are enemies.
It's such an over-the-top attempt at turning games into high art that it can almost pass as a spot-on parody of games that attempt to be high art, if only such games existed.
#1. Don't Shit Your Pants: A Survival Horror Game
I lied! There's more butt stuff!
Don't Shit Your Pants is a text-based adventure game. You are a man who kind of looks like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and you're in desperate need of a shit. But there's a problem, which is the same problem every character from a text-based adventure game encounters: You're an idiot and you need to be told how to perform even the simplest of tasks. You character stands outside of his bathroom door with no idea how to deal with this brewing shitstorm inside him. He is dumbfounded by this shit he has to take, truly perplexed.
"Me no know poop! Help poop! HELP!"
You have to type in the proper perfectly worded commands to get him on the toilet and pooping before he soils himself like the pathetic, balding, beer-bellied loser he clearly is. This guy's life is probably awful. Don't make it worse by allowing him to shit himself.
Don't Shit Your Pants is about as short as you'd imagine a game about talking a guy through evacuating his bowels would be. There is some replay value in trying to collect all the achievements, which mostly involve failing to shit in the toilet in one way or another -- but the fun of text adventure games is in experimenting with different commands and seeing what happens. On one playthrough, I typed "Don't shit." Then this happened:
Filled with shame, as he should be. Well, at least he didn't shit on th- NO! NOT ON THE FLOO-
At least he's happy.
And be sure to kill some more time on video games with If Video Game Characters Found More Practical Solutions.