The 5 Most Unsettling Trending Topics About Justin Bieber

#2. We Will Never Let Justin Go

What It's Really Saying:

Let's say they do grow frustrated when you don't turn out to be perfect, Darth Biebz. It will be OK! This is one of those "problems" that every couple has -- especially the ones who have never met! Their uncomfortably close love will heal the rift by forgiving you, and then reconciling at you twice as hard. Thankfully, Ms. Curry and I don't have these woes, because I'm cool with her never letting me go.

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And I, in turn, refuse to let this joke go.

Maybe It's Just Zealous Fans:

You know that bit in The Crush when Alicia Silverstone flips out and destroys Cary Elwes' home? Me neither. Nobody saw The Crush. But if they had, your fans would recognize that it's make or break time -- they either admit that they were a little overexcited or they plunk down every last one of your mental chips and tell the croupier to put it all on crazy. I say go ahead and do the latter, Beliebers! You've already boiled the bunny; might as well pluck the meat from its bones.

P.S. Cary Elwes, you scamp! You have not aged a day since 1993!

Can This Hashtag Propel Bieber to Godhood?

We'll use their redoubled affection to ratchet up your legend. Hear me, O pathetic mortals! You must live for Bieber! Die for Bieber! Bieber is the dark revelation! Bieber is your soul's aching secret! When you wake up in a wet spot with tears still stinging your eyes, it is BIEBER's disappointed face acid-etched onto your retinas! Let us speak in one trembling voice: Bieber is all! Bieber is the omega! Bieber is! Bieber Is! Bieber! Is! BIEBER! IS!

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images Ent./Getty Images
And what good is a savior without an agent provocateur?

#1. RIP Justin Bieber

What It's Really Saying:

After eight months of increasingly unhealthy trends, Twitter concluded the Bieber god cycle with a ritual sacrifice.

Maybe It's Just Zealous Fans:

So we've given our all to our idol, and some part of us still rings empty. Well, nothing for it but to turn the emptiness inward! Ever considered cutting? I would never advocate mutilating oneself, but if it were a way to finally be able to feel something ... God, can you imagine how good that would be, taking control of your pain? Hold on, I'm going to try it-


Guys, that was NOTHING like the fantasy. Alright, plan B: If you can't control your own destruction, destroy what defines you.

Can This Hashtag Propel Bieber to Godhood?

Don't worry if Twitter's trying to kill you, Jay-Jay Biebray-bray. The Bible tells us that the Beast will suffer a fatal wound, but it won't kill him right away. Whether it's Neo or Aslan, every messiah -- even a false one -- must be sacrificed to attain his full powers. It would be rude not to. In fact -- these Curry jokes. I love them, but they have to go.

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It is survived by my uninformed lust.

It's one thing to destroy that which you love. It's quite another to claim that its death saved you. For some reason, people really appreciate your suffering the penalties of their screw-ups for them.

But death is not the end. Like any respectable deity, the myth of the Boy King renews itself. Like the snake shedding its skin, the light-bringer of pop music will return with a new haircut. We are told that the Beast "once was, now is not, and yet will come."

Ryland Sanders, Church Sign Maker
So plainly, there's a precedent.

In conclusion: A non-Belieber would no doubt say that you aren't the Beast, m'lord, and that you seem like nothing more than a nice young man who makes tolerably bland music. And that objective critic would then be slapped to death by offended Beliebers. But with his last breath, he'd manage to croak, "If you're standing next to Usher and he's the second-least-substantial musician in the video, it's time to bite the head off a bat."

Yeah, that's what an impartial observer would declare. But those of us who have accepted Bieber into our hearts know a deeper truth, inviolable to facts. Therefore the time has come to leave our computers and be with him.

Join me, then, in a toast! Everyone grab a cup of that Kool-Aid there ... great. To celebrities: filling our lives with theirs like a retrovirus overwriting host cells! In the next world, may we all have such good marketing. Why, with the right sales pitch, you could make anyone look like anything: the ideal boyfriend, the perfect woman, even the Beast himself, if that's what you're expecting to see. Perhaps ... hm.

Perhaps I was wrong?

And -- and perhaps ... famous people are a scant canvas onto which we project our desires? And if so, perhaps our increasingly celebrity-obsessed culture is our increasingly self-obsessed culture. And if that's true, then ... why ... the Beast ...


Eh. Why turn back now? *glug*

Oh, and Biebs? When your dark powers manifest, maybe you could use them to land me a date with Adr-gaaack *Thud*

Brendan spends his days drawing Watchmen Hostess pie ad parodies. You don't have to be Adrianne Curry to flirt with him, but it's going to make all his Twitter-sexting really awkward if you are.

Brendan previously exploded your theological expectations with 5 Reasons the Rapture Did Not Occur.

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