The 5 Most Unsettling Trending Topics About Justin Bieber

Dear Superultramegastar Justin Bieber,

Last month, the Grammys snubbed you with zero nominations. Perhaps you heard the air boiling with the howls of your devoted followers? Personally, I think it's terrible -- just terrible -- that anyone thinks the Grammys matter. But regardless, don't fret: A much higher title is reserved for you.

The American Music Awards (also known as "The Ones That Mean Even Less than the Grammys") chose you for Artist of the Year. Although an AMA is a paltry honor, it represents the voice of the people, and that means you are now the most popular musician on Earth. Well done, Biebs! You have officially broken the first seal and are ready to march the armies of man forth to do battle in your name.

What's that? Oh, you didn't know? You are the Beast.

Justin Bieber via Twitter & Kevin Winter/Getty Images Ent./Getty
I know, my money was on Chris Brown, too.

Now, before you strike me down with your unholy power, my dark lord, know that I say this with respect and devotion. Most people old enough to drive mock your music, but I see in you a charismatic young man who arose from the sea of noise on YouTube to become the new King of Pop and forerunner of Armageddon.

Of course, I don't have to tell you that the Book of Revelation actually mentions two Beasts: the Antichrist and the demagogue who announces his fearsome might to the world. And so amen amen, I say unto thee: I will be your false prophet, Justin Bieber.

The Devil is not good at Photoshop.
My credentials speak for themselves.

I know, I know ... what do you need me for? You have united the nations with millions of Beliebers ready to do your biebing. But what happens when they all become teenagers and discover anger? Then they become Cracked readers. I can keep them sweet on you. Let me be your John the Anti-Baptist and preach your tempestuous glory, right here and now.

Give me a chance, and we can turn your worldwide fan base into a cult of the Fallen One that shakes the Earth for a thousand years. Don't belieb me? The evidence is in 2012's five most unsettling Twitter trends that mention you.

#5. Justin Is Beautiful Inside and Out

What It's Really Saying:

"I love everything that you are, because you are good and pure. I pledge my being to your perfection." Basically, it's how someone who's never been in love imagines romance.

Jupiterimages/ Images
Also known as Twilight love.

Maybe It's Just Zealous Fans:

Heck, there's nothing presumptuous or creepy about that statement. I tweet this every couple of hours at model Adrianne Curry, even though the only things I know about our love are that she's a leggy geek and that the part of me that's still 13 is roaring for one of those. Also, please note that, wherever possible, I have replaced pictures of you with her, because you are not a pretty lady who pals around with Stan Lee. No offense to your cruel beauty, my dark lord, but when Adrianne Curry cosplays as Wonder Woman, even Wonder Woman touches herself to the pictures.

Neilson Barnard/Getty Images Ent./Getty Images
That woman could wear Clint Howard and make him look good.

So this "inside and out" malarkey is just the initial stage, where adoring fans pour goodness into a celebrity-shaped vase. It builds an artificial intimacy in the true believer's heart by hiding the real person behind an idealized version. This kind of fallacy wounds both parties. You know, like when you're fantasizing that the person you're having sex with is Adrianne Curry and then your erection withers because you'll never be good enough for her?

But hey, young people, don't ever let anyone shame you for the things you like. (Unless it's Hitler. Is it Hitler? For crying out loud! Why would you pick Hitler?) Just remember that your faith should also be strong enough to question the things you most want to believe. Otherwise you'll find yourself saying yes to statements you know aren't true. For example, it's simply wrong to say that Justin's tears can cure viral infections when they merely cure bacterial ones. And though we all accept his netherworldly power, let's not pretend "Boyfriend" is a very good song. It's all hook and no bait.

Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images Ent./Getty
Unlike this picture, which is all 'bate.

Can This Hashtag Propel Bieber to Godhood?

Of course! Every devout group is united by its core values, whether it's a corporation, a sports team, or a nightclub down on Woviotis Street catering to a very specific fetish that only lets you in if you know that the password is "herringbone umbrella lick." (Be sure to bring your own catcher's mask.)

Core values are closely guarded. Members who challenge them are corrected or exiled for the sanctity of the group. In this case, the central value is your greatness as a musician, person, and architect of The End.

In my day, "Canadian musician" meant some really bad VH-1, not this "Dear Leader" bullshit.

In the normal course of things, sir, your fans will grow up and realize that they're projecting an unrealistic fantasy onto you that doesn't acknowledge the real human being behind it (or in our case, the rough, slouching beasts wearing meatsuits to hide our many heads behind it). Any fan who fails to make this transition after a certain age becomes ... unnerving. EXCEPTION: If the idol is Ms. Curry, because that rule doesn't apply to anyone so perfect that we're not worthy to lick her toenail clippings up off the floor.

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Ent./Getty
Or possibly anyone who looks like the Baroness, I'm not sure what my criterion is here.

My Hadean master, we must trap them in this emotional bedrock until they're old enough to enlist in your Legion of Nine Devils. That's why I'm recommending that you start preaching abstinence until marriage. Not only will it protect them from coming of age in a real relationship until well into their 20s, but it will fool the religious right into condoning our glorious deviltry a little longer.

#4. Happy Birthday Jeremy Bieber

What It's Really Saying:

Jeremy Bieber is Justin's father, and if you know any more about him than that, thank you for keeping your ecstatic moans low enough so no one else can hear.

"So great and eerie is my love," say these birthday greetings, "that the people you care about, I too shall treasure in my thumping heart."

Maybe It's Just Zealous Fans:

This is where the committed fandom -- or as it's known in professional circles, "gamma-level awkwardness" -- creates a false proximity. It's an effort to insinuate oneself into every corner of the Bieber existence. On the surface, it seems thoughtful. Ho-ho! But there are conditions, my goat-eyed lord; you'd better love them back, or they're going to turn bitter when you "betray" this affection you never asked for.

Can This Hashtag Propel Bieber to Godhood?

Veneration of the progenitor is a fixture of almost every messianic faith. Apollo and Hercules have Zeus. Jesus has Mary. Adrianne Curry has Odin Curry, who created her when he made love to the first sunrise of summer.

The cult is now in place to catapult the Canadian One to Beastdom. Not a moment too soon! When you're wishing happy birthday to someone you haven't met because they're close to someone else you haven't met, you're either a clown who gets paid in smiles or Adrianne Curry answering prayers.

Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images Ent./Getty
My dad thanks you for the cake, Ms. Curry, but you and I both know that I must love you from afar. Just ... just promise you'll sniff this scented handkerchief whenever the west wind murmurs my name to you.

#3. Justin Is Our Light When

What It's Really Saying:

It's not a huge leap to turn hardcore devotion into a death cult. After all, one person fixated on someone "perfect" they'll never meet is an obsession ... a million of them is a religion. Beliebers already treat the chosen one less like a Canadian musician and more like a Babylonian sun god. And like any good cult of worship, they perform public acts of devotion to summon his almighty gaze. Inevitably, someone in the group tries to one-up everyone else with an outrageous display of commitment to those values.

To use an outside example: In the documentary Trekkies, there's an anecdote about a Star Trek fan bidding big money for a glass of water that one of the actors drank from, even though the actor had the flu. Upon winning the joke auction, the fan glugs the entire glass at Warp Factor 10, which, for you non-Star Trek fans, is 1/8 of the time it takes light to travel from the sun to the Earth and be bored by Star Trek.

Maybe It's Just Zealous Fans:

Speaking of light, you are now theirs, young Biebzebub. Good luck keeping your balance on a pedestal so high that your nosebleed has vertigo! This is really the point where, after age 15 or so, the thing Beliebers call love is what the rest of society calls "Chapter 27 of Catcher in the Rye." These kinds of fans hold a celebrity to impossible standards. Nobody is anybody's light -- unless, obviously, you're Jesus or Adrianne Curry, and I can't prove that about Jesus.

Michael Buckner/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty
Christ died for your sins, but Adrianne Curry is cause to make sure He gets His money's worth.

Their intense adoration is doomed because reality is never perfect. The first time one of them sneaks onto the tour bus and hides in the bathroom, they'll realize that even Light's poop stinks. Then they'll feel betrayed. Betrayed ... TO DEATH.

Can This Hashtag Propel Bieber to Godhood?

How to preserve this perfect state of unquestioning loyalty? Revelation tells us that the followers of the Beast will be marked on their head or their hand to show their allegiance. Only the firmest Beliebers would mark their flesh for you with a tattoo. You have to be 18 for that, and if they're still projecting the dreams they had as tweens onto a pop star when they're legally adults, they were going to miss all the cool parts of college anyway.

Getting a tattoo is a psychological commitment. With a permanent mark on their skin, they'll only be able to accept one reality -- and it's the one where they can only see the world via your reflection. That's why, my great foul master, you must demand that they mark themselves in devotion to you. Then they can easily identify each other and shun any dealings with non-Beliebers. Consolidation + Isolation = DOMINATION.

Mike Coppola/Getty Images Ent./Getty Images
I recommend rich symbolism that commands followers to "Believe" and has a trafe animal for a familiar.

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Brendan McGinley

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