5Pooping in Public
Science tells us nearly 73 percent of the population poops, so this is a pretty common endeavor. Of that 73 percent, not a single one of us is happy to use someone else's toilet. On the surface this is a bit of a mystery. It's not like we're afraid of using it incorrectly, since pretty much every toilet in the world operates the same way. But as simple as the apparatus is, there are just too many potential ways for something to go wrong.
Generally speaking, when you're at a friend's and you have to deuce, you have that horrible moment of trepidation before you go in, unless you're a social malcontent who enjoys pseudo-exhibitionist defecation. Those of us normal folks have three major fears running rampant in our head;
Time: What if this is a long haul production? We're all hoping for that quick and to the point squirt, but you know there's a chance it's going to be one of those moments where the movie is on pause waiting for you to get back, and eventually the DVD player just can't hold out on pause anymore so it stops the movie, and everyone you left behind stops to consider how you've been shitting for so long, modern technology couldn't keep up with you. It had to just stop what it was doing lest it permanently damage something, because your bowels are so intensely sloth-like. And in that instant you, and everyone in the building with you will, for a second, be focused solely on what your ass is doing. And no one will be happy about it.
Now you know what he was thinking. Stench: The laws of the universe dictate that if you're embarrassed by the fetid, nearly tangible stank you've implanted into the very floor tiles, you will have no suitable means of covering it up, and someone will go to the washroom within a minute of you leaving. Accept that, and try to think up a reasonable excuse, like you ate bad Cambodian last night, or you have stomach leprosy. If someone does enter the bathroom after you, try to avoid eye contact. Odds are they won't say anything, they're just going to have that look on their face that says, “I know what it smells like about a foot inside of you and I'm not happy with that.” Don't acknowledge it. The Clog: Possibly the worst outcome of all and for good reason. Here's a true story: About a month ago, someone exploded in my bathroom. I literally had to clean shit off of the light switch. I should point out that my light switch is no where near the toilet bowl. It's on a wall. Just below shoulder height. There was shit on my floor, behind the toilet, on the mat and I boiled the hell out of my toothbrush, and then threw it away. The toilet itself has been blocked from my memory but I do seem to remember what, in my opinion, was a little less toilet paper than was probably necessary to deal with what I was viewing. I can't say for sure if the person who did that to my toilet felt bad about it after, but they should have. Because I did. Clogging a toilet is the ultimate lavatory faux pas and there's no graceful way to deal with it. The plumbing, which works in literally millions of other buildings around the world, choked on whatever hell you unleashed on it. The best thing you can hope for is to plunge it out yourself and hope no one hears the terrible racket you're making. At worst, you have to move at exceptional speeds away from the incoming tide of your insides and let someone else know the situation has escalated beyond the scope of your expertise. They will appreciate this later, or they will if they've ever had to clean poop off a light fixture.
If you're a man with a penis that currently or has some time in the past functioned, you've probably had that moment when you needed to stay seated while everyone else was standing. Indeed, while you may be concentrating on your taxes or how so many people at grandma's funeral wore the same outfit, your penis can, at any moment, start playing out porno scenes for itself and respond in kind. There's no rhyme or reason to it, although it's possible you're just a bad person.
In some cases, hiding an erection is as easy as feigning laziness. Why get up when sitting is so much easier? Alternately, you can use the old high school standby of holding your books at crotch level. Just be aware that everyone on Earth knows you're doing this to hide an erection and the only thing less conspicuous would be if you actually hired someone who stood in front of you and explained to others that they were your erection shield, and could they please take one step back.
The boner isn't seeing anyone right now, please leave. Dealing with this is trickier than you'd think thanks to a number of factors. Biologically, if you're some kind of half-horse who elected to wear soccer shorts the only real option you have is to swiftly and discretely lay your penis on a flat surface and punch it. Like seriously, kick its ass. That'll teach it. Alternately, if you're more on the average end of the scale and are wearing man clothes, you could always flip it up and tuck the tip under your waistband.