Everyone knows that Psycho's a classic Hitchcock horror film and that Anthony Perkins created arguably the most memorable serial killer in film history. (Sit down, Lecter fans, I said "arguably.") Everyone also knows about that famous shower scene. But how many people stop to consider that when a 13-year-old boy hears there's going to be a movie with a famous shower scene on TV, he's hoping to masturbate? Well they should, because they do.
The Sexy Bait: Naked, Wet Janet Leigh
Here is Janet Leigh:
Va-va-va voom. Also appropriate? Mrwor! And even MeeeOWW, WOOF, WOOF! That's right. Janet Leigh was so hot back in the day that she turned on both cats and dogs. Quite the looker.
The Erection-Destroying Switch: Horrific Murder
Yes indeed, she does get naked in Psycho to take a shower. Except as you'll see in this unembedable clip, it starts off decidedly nonsexy. Maybe it's the hairstyle or the G-rated face she's making, as if the water is filling her pores with the goodness of Jesus, but it's just not hot.
Put that erection away, son.
At about the 1:21 mark, Janet starts making some shower-appropriate sex faces, which are very encouraging and appreciated.
Actually, wait a second. We're on to something here.
And then it just goes horribly wrong. I mean, it goes horribly right as one of the most memorable horror scenes in cinematic history, but as far a pubescent-boy penis is concerned, it's a huge failure. Mostly because the only sexy shots are nearly subliminal. Oh, and filled with murder. That, too.
Didn't really do it for me, but years later these shots were heavily praised on MurderErection.com, assuming that site exists.
So congratulations, Mr. Hitchcock. You not only killed your female lead, you murdered my erection. Wait. Hitchcock. Is "hitch" like English slang for "poison" or "wilt"? No? Hmm. That would have been pretty funny.
#1. Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
I'm not trying to sound too cool, but Dream Warriors -- the third installment in Wes Craven's Nightmare on Elm Street series -- held a very special place in my pants. (How'd I do? Did I manage not to sound too cool?)
The Sexy Bait: Sex With a Super Hot '80s Nurse
Like the other Elm Street movies, it's about a murdered pedophile who torments the new generation of Elm Street children in their dreams. There was one character in Dream Warriors to whom I particularly related: the high school debater with a mullet who wanted to have sex a lot.
Shockingly, I was also on the debate team. (Again, not trying to sound too cool.)
Which brings us to my favorite part of the movie: an actress combining the sex appeal of every '80s blonde who ever posed on top of a Camaro portraying a naughty nurse who wants to have sex with my on-screen doppelganger. Yes. Yes. Yes.
The Erection-Destroying Switch: Sadomasochism Care of Freddy Kreuger
Turns out the porn star nurse is actually a horribly burned pedophile with a razor-festooned murder hand. Also, that bed is the gateway to hell. Also, it seems like there's gonna be some BDSM kinky gay sex before you die. Not just erection-wilting. More like erection-fleeing. Here's a clip I found, which must be an alternate take because the nudity's gone, but I'm pretty sure you get the idea.
So you can see the problem. A problem requiring a multitasking left hand on the remote, a looking away from 0:47 to 1:08, then freeze-frame. (Or repeat as necessary). Impressive, I know.
This column is dedicated to the memory of Danielle Snyder. Rest in peace.
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For more from Gladstone, check out The Top 5 Worst Lines of Dialogue (From Movies That Don't Actually Suck) and When Is It Too Soon To Make Fun of a Tragedy?.