But I do want to impart one completely legitimate gripe to our younger readers: do you know how much harder it was for junior high school kids to find spanking fodder before the Internet? Seriously. Shoplifting Playboy, buying black market VHS porns copied from some dude's older brother, and engaging in herculean leaps of imagination to animate J.C. Penney catalog underwear models. Occasionally, however, Hollywood would release an R-rated movie you could get on VHS, tape off cable or carefully commit to the spank bank for later use. Movies like The Big Easy, 9 1/2 Weeks and Body Heat were a horny boy's very best friend.
Unfortunately, because mainstream media is not pornography, many of these T&A films had to combine some of their hottest scenes with dramatic or comedic content that may have furthered the purposes of the film but absolutely destroyed its orgasm-producing potential.
Here are five of the biggest ruined orgasm moments in modern (pre-Internet) film.
#5. Private School
In 1983, Hollywood released an incredibly awful movie about a bunch of horny boys thinking about breasts and how they could see some breasts and touch breasts and then do something with their penises. I think that was the plot of Private School. Not sure. I do know Phoebe Cates was in it, and that was a great start. After all, Phoebe was kind enough to teach me how to use my penis at 13 with her Fast Times at Ridgemont High performance.
But catching young Gladstone's eye even more than Phoebe was bad rich girl Betsy Russell.
True or false: in the first few months of puberty, this image was semipermanently freeze-framed on my basement TV. (False. Our TV was in the den.)
The Sexy Bait: Betsy Russell Striptease
And wouldn't you know it, Ms. Russell gets kinda naked and sexy in an attempt to seduce Matthew Modine. So what's the problem?
The Erection-Destroying Switch: Sweaty Matthew Modine in Drag
The problem (masturbatorily speaking) is that this is a scene where Modine pretends to be a woman to get into the girl's dorm, so each shot of Russell and her vanishing underwear is chopped up with a shot of a clammy Modine in drag. (BTW, Clammy Modine would make an awesome college band name. Get on that, kids!)
Some of you might be thinking, "Just ignore Modine!" While that may have been easy for Hollywood to do from 1987 onward, it's a lot harder for a kid. Something to remember about 13-year-old boys: they're stupid. Like really incredibly stupid. And somewhere in the back of their minds they believe that if they're engaging in an act of self-love and somehow reach climax at the exact moment the camera switches to a dude -- especially a dude in drag -- they'll turn gay forever.
#4. Basic Instinct
Everyone remembers the seminal scene from Basic Instinct: Sharon Stone at the peak of her hotness flashing her clammy modine at Michael Douglas.
And yeah, that's pretty great. But not even 13-year-old boys reach climax that quickly, and no one's hoping for just one still picture. We wanted to see sexy ladies not wearing clothes and, y'know, moving around all sexy-like. And the good news is Basic Instinct had lots and lots of sex.
The Sexy Bait: Sharon Stone Sleeps With Everyone
Stone's character is a dynamite-looking, promiscuous, bisexual lady, so my friends and I headed to the theater (place you used to watch movies that wasn't your phone) expecting to see one hot escapade after another. What we got, however, was this:
The Erection-Destroying Switch: Sharon Stone Brutally Murders People With an Ice Pick
I don't have a great clip, but check out the beginning of this trailer. Much like the second entry on this list, this movie thoroughly enjoys mixing sex and violence. Accordingly, the opening scene features hotness and an ice pick. A really, really, really nasty way to go, and so traumatic that I remember not being able to get into any of the sexiness that followed. It was like my junk had developed a Pavlovian fear response to Sharon Stone. It would take another 10 years for the rest of my body to follow suit.
#3. Blue Velvet
Back in junior high school, when most little boys were pining away for Heather Locklear or Elle Macpherson or Madonna, I was focused on a classier pursuit: Isabella Rossellini. And when I say pursuit, I mean using telepathic mind control to get Ms. Rossellini to pick me up at my parents' house and drive me away in her sex limo.
Still waiting, Ms. Rossellini.
Needless to say, when I found out that there was movie I could rent called Blue Velvet in which she played a sexy lounge singer and got naked a lot, I was pretty excited.
The Sexy Bait: One of the Most Beautiful Actresses Ever, Naked
In some ways, Blue Velvet delivers. After all, Rossellini does lose her clothes a bit and often wears little more than a kimono. She also sings in a sultry cabaret voice. And no matter what, Isabella Rossellini always conveys the most attractive combination of grace, intelligence and sexuality.
The Erection-Destroying Switch: Dennis Hopper and David Lynch's Circus Sexuality
The bad news for your penis, however, is that Blue Velvet was directed by David Lynch, and it has become increasingly clear during Lynch's long career that he apparently lost his virginity after dropping acid at a carnival as part of a snake boy/bearded lady sandwich. Sex is not so sexy in David Lynch's world.
First off, through the glory of hair and makeup, he turns Isabella Rossellini into Rocky Horror Tim Curry.
I will get you for this, Mr. Lynch.
And then there's the bigger problem of Rossellini's sex happening at the hands of a drug-addicted, unhinged criminal with mommy issues.
The only thing from the '80s to kill more erections than Dennis Hopper's performance was Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life.
Serves you right for dropping trou to Tootie!