Hey look, I'm the mayor of Douchetopia!
First, no you're not. Second, no one cares. The entire concept of Foursquare is one that literally no one understands. Not me, not you, not the guy who invented it. You sign in and it just lets you know where you are. I don't want to bust anyone's nut here, but I always know where I am. For instance, if I look down, I notice I'm right fuckin' here. Do you know where you are? Right there. So Foursquare is the middle man between me looking down and my brain registering where I am standing and I don't need that shit and neither do you.
If I need you to know where I am, I will probably let you know via phone call, email, text message, smoke signal or registered letter. I don't need to let the Internet know I'm at Maria's Rub n Tug, working on my happy ending badge. What the hell does that even mean? Have we decayed as a society to the point where we feel virtual badges for simply being somewhere are necessary? This is dumber than the gold star your first grade teacher gave you every time you didn't wipe your nose on your math worksheets.
Aaaaand I done put two sticks in my bun / So they recognize me when I come!
Twenty million people use Foursquare, and I guarantee most of them signed up because someone they know was using it and they foolishly assumed there had to be a reason for using it beyond the fact that it just says where you are all the time, like some semi-retarded town crier deluding you into thinking the rest of the world gives a shit if you're on the second floor of the mall near the Cinnabon. If that sounds cynical, I invite you to consider if you care to know that anyone else in the entire world is on the second floor of the mall near the Cinnabon. So help me God if you try to be contrary and answer that you do, because I know you don't and so do you.
Foursquare is e-fapping for narcissists who want to feel important. Imagine if you -- is there a slang term for how you use Foursquare, like tweeting or Facebooking? I'll call it Foursqueefing -- imagine if you Foursqueef that you're at Arby's and then like five sons of bitches you don't want to see show up because it posted it directly to your Facebook and Twitter also. Isn't that a risk you're running all the time? You either have to be OK with the creepy fact that anyone, at any time, can show up specifically to see you, or you're assuming/hoping no one would be that crazy, in which case you're just broadcasting your whereabouts for no goddamn reason at all. Screw Foursquare.
#1. The Entire Troy Hurtubise Invention Catalog
You've read about Troy Hurtubise and his bear-proof suit before. It's hard to say whether he's insane or just remarkably dimwitted, but it's pretty certain he has no idea what he's talking about. He started out trying to make a suit that could withstand a bear attack, the sort of thing that one never needs until they're being attacked by a bear, making it kind of impractical because you can't live your life that way. He then switched gears and said it was for bear research, because nothing lends itself to understanding an animal in its natural habitat better than being observed at close distances by a man in a Kevin Jamesian RoboCop suit.
As his idea evolved into a brand new insane thing, it left bears behind and became a military tour de force. Troy was creating a suit of armor that soldiers could use in wartime that would be able to withstand extreme temperatures, gunfire, explosions, fires and good sense.
Now on the surface, despite him admitting to being inspired by both RoboCop and Halo, it sounds like this thing could be extremely practical. It makes you indestructible, right? Ah, but wait -- there's a fatal flaw in your reasoning, and that is forgetting to acknowledge that Troy Hurtubise is nuttier than a pit beneath a squirrel outhouse.
You'd trust this man with military secrets, right?
In addition to the armor, Troy also invented something he called Angel Light that allowed him to look right through solid objects, including physics textbooks, without any interference. It could see right through a wall, but only through the skin of his hand. This then graduated to the God Light, a half-ton flashlight in his garage that was about twice as powerful as the sun. Or at least the light from it during the day. What did it do? Made seeds grow faster, cured Parkinson's and cancer and completely changed physics, according to a Ph.D. candidate from Japan named William Rieken.
Who is William Rieken? According to the Internet, he was working on some kind of snazzy UFO-like airplane. But try to Google him. His page at the Nara Institute of Science and Technology isn't able to be accessed. Most references to him direct you back to the article about Hurtubise whose author died four years ago. One article about his involvement in a space elevator competition links to his team's website, which sells penis pills. He's hard as hell to track down. After a call to Japan, where no one would acknowledge having heard of him, and four bounced emails to different addresses at defunct websites, I'm forced to conclude that if Rieken ever did exist, he's off the grid now, and if he ever did meet Hurtubise, I will bet you a steak dinner he never, ever said the things he's quoted as saying, because they're teabagging-a-donkey-on-a-Ferris-wheel crazy.
Basically Hurtubise, a man infamous for making preposterous claims in a documentary about making a bear suit, such as his father building an Indian village and surviving being attacked by a grizzly, not to mention his awesome martial arts skills, now claims to continually defy physics in his garage. He created physics-defying fireproof insulation out of Diet Coke, he created a beam that sees through solid objects and then converted it into a cancer-curing machine, and then he has super reliable military armor. Everything this guy touches is epic bullshit.
Check out more from Ian in 7 Things From Pop Culture That Apparently Piss Jesus Off and History's 7 Most Astounding Sexual Resumes.