The 5 Most Ridiculously Sexist Superhero Costumes

#2. Sue Storm 4-kini

Sue Storm endured the most blatant sexism in comics at a time when marriage was a form of property insurance. They only dared to give a woman superpowers because both her husband and her brother were on the team to keep her in line.


Her only original power was to literally disappear and let the menfolk get on with things. Later, she could also make other objects disappear or move them around with force fields, meaning Marvel's first female superhero had the inhuman power to tidy up. And then the only woman who could prevent men from staring at her went at her own clothes with a pair of scissors and madness.

She destroyed one costume and several laws of Euclidean geometry.

She's hanging out with a living torch, a mobile orange rock slide and a 50-foot-long man, but she knows it's up to her tits to tell people it's the Fantastic Four. This is a woman who knows her audience, even if her costume is everything wrong with the '50s dream woman (white but also black and blue and showing her breasts on demand).

"I don't know, when your breasts aren't a perfectly flat mass because curved fours are hard to draw?"

It's the shaped window that elevates this above all the other "Here are my mammaries!" costumes. They'd cut so many holes in powerful women's clothing that they needed new shapes just to feel something. If you're thinking, "This doesn't work unless I can see her boobs," you're not writing comics, you're masturbating. Especially when characters wear such skintight Spandexium that the only difference between "fully clothed" and "complete nudity" is coloring.

This is Acheronian soft-core with face paint.

#1. Namor

Behold the most ridiculously sexy costume in comics!


But it's not ridiculous because he's wearing a superpowered Speedo: That's how any man would react to being well-built, usually glistening and most often found on the beach. The ridiculousness comes from people who justify the superpowered strippers by pointing out that men are just as unreasonably objectified in comics.

Look at the poor victimized boy, one inch from boning on the cover.

Near-naked superhorny women is a male fantasy. Being a hulking Adonis who can punch through tanks is also a male fantasy. This ... this isn't hard, guys, unlike many things when you're considering those issues. If you ever find a woman sexually excited by men with the approximate dimensions of a semi truck, it's either Tila Tequila or Optimus Prime's number one fan.

See, women, we have improbable male anatomy for you, too!

This "equally idealized" bullshit is actually used by people. People paid to sell comics despite their first decision being "We'll only target half the population." We know you're in the comics industry, fellas, but that argument is the wrong type of comical. Namor is the ultimate exemplar: He's exactly what any guy would wear if he thought he could get away with it. Even when Namor puts on more clothes, they're ridiculous and show off more chest than Tom Jones during heart surgery.


His most common plot point is banging another character's wife (Sue Storm from above). He's not just included for the 10 percent of guys who got this far despite not liking girls, but to make a point. (And not just in their trousers.) It's stupid to say that the art is equally unfair because the average man can't be used as a teaching model in medical college. That's like Bond claiming it's fair that henchmen can't hit him with machine guns because he also has a ridiculous level of accuracy. It's a lot of fun, and we all go to see it, just don't claim that it's equality.

A posing pouch and dressing gown. His whole wardrobe says "I get laid too often to bother with clothing."

If I were offering a carved beef buffet above a pork sausage special, that's how I'd dress. Mere physical strength would be enough superpower to make me go full Doctor Manhattan.

Luke McKinney scientifically proves that Die Hard is the ultimate party. He also tumbles and has a website.

Want more comic lunacy, true believers? Behold the astonishing incompetence of The 8 Worst X-Men Ever! Gasp at the ridiculous visibility of The 8 Shittiest Transformer Disguises!

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Luke McKinney

  • Rss

More by Luke McKinney:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!