(Warning: The following article contains movie spoilers. Then again, if you really need to be told that an article about movie spoilers contains movie spoilers, you kinda deserve to have these films ruined for you. So forget what I just said. There aren't any spoilers in this article. In fact, there's ... candy in it? Yeah, candy! So be sure to read the whole thing carefully or else you might miss it!)
You like movies, I like movies. Now that we've established that, let's talk about the two things we hate about movies: spoilers and the cockwaffles who like to ruin movies for other people because they think it will make their fathers love them again. But what happens when the cockwaffles are the giant Hollywood studios themselves? Well, then you get the following five stories about the stupidest ways companies spoiled their own movies.
5 The Phantom Menace Soundtrack Gave Away a Main Character's Death
When Star Wars Episode I was announced in the early '90s, people went nuts. One of the most popular and iconic movie franchises of all time was being brought back to the big screen by a director who was still sort of respected because people had no idea what he planned to do with one of the most popular and iconic movie franchises of all time. But what we did know about the new trilogy got us really excited, like that it'd be all about Darth Vader and a young Obi-Wan, plus a totally new character named Qui-Gon Jinn played by Liam Neeson, the highly acclaimed dramatic actor from Schindler's List.
Imagine that you're a typical Star Wars fan rocking to the Phantom Menace soundtrack that was released two weeks before the film's premiere. You listen to each song and try to imagine how it will fit into the movie. "Anakin's Theme" is soft and a little sad -- a great choice for a child character destined to become an evil cyborg samurai. "Jar Jar's Introduction" is a bit goofy -- clearly this Jar Jar, whoever he is, will be the movie's lovable comic relief, the C-3PO of the modern age!
We ... we didn't know. Oh God, we didn't know!!!
Then you come across "Anakin Defeats Sebulba" and try to push away the thoughts that the title just ruined an important plot point for you. Come on, you tell yourself, who can really know what any of these tracks will mean in the context of the movie, like with "Sebulba," or this other track titled "Qui-Gon's Noble End" OH FUCK YOU, SOUNDTRACK! How could that title be interpreted as anything but a gigantic spoiler giving away Qui-Gon's death? It couldn't, but just to make sure, the track right after it is called "The High Council Meeting and Qui-Gon's Funeral," presumably because "Neeson Dies, You Can Go Screw a Bantha" was deemed a little too on the nose.
4 The Iron Man 3 LEGO Set Revealed the Movie's True Villain
The thing that set Iron Man 3 apart from the previous two movies was that it ended with Tony Stark battling not another mecha suit, but rather an army of super soldiers with healing factors that made Wolverine's powers look like stage 4 leukemia. It was pretty cool.
"Come at me, bro!"
"Shhh! Don't give the Internet any more ideas!"
True, the long-awaited Mandarin played by Ben Kingsley turned out to be a fraud controlled by Guy Pearce's Aldrich Killian character (himself secretly a super soldier), but the whole reveal was so genuinely surprising that most people didn't have a problem with it ... at least those of us who hadn't seen it coming thanks to a LEGO box set.
"Spoiler: You will soon experience foot pain."
The LEGO set above (pictures of which were released two months before the premiere of Iron Man 3) shows a scene from the movie where the Mandarin attacks Tony's house in a helicopter piloted by an "Extremis Soldier," who looks normal at the bottom of the box, but furiously hungover and constipated on the box art itself. Even if you hadn't read the Extremis story arc on which the movie was loosely based, the TV spots had already established by then that the movie would feature characters with superpowers, and the Extremis Soldier guy was obviously what they would look like.
So when another LEGO box set showed Dr. Killian driving a speedboat while looking furiously hungover and constipated, it sort of revealed that there's more to Guy Pearce than meets the bloodshot, glowing eye.
He's just angry because his superpowers were named after a '90s skateboard company.
Seeing the two LEGO sets next to each other made it abundantly clear that whatever was happening to the Extremis Soldier character was happening to Guy Pearce's character, a fact that does not become clear in the movie until the last third. Now, this was a pretty big spoiler for not only casual viewers, but also comic book fans, because in the Extremis comic book, Aldrich Killian does exactly two things: kill himself and squat.
To LEGO's credit, most of its sets did put almost all of the emphasis on the Mandarin, so fans could have simply assumed that the LEGO set didn't mean anything. It's not like anyone could have predicted that Marvel would tease us with the Mandarin and then yank the rug from under our feet and laugh at us for daring to want to see Tony Stark's greatest archnemesis that isn't a bottle of whiskey.