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I was going to start this article by stating the definitive number of vampire movies that have been made in the history of film. That was really hard to pinpoint. Then I thought I'd mention just the vampire movies this year. That was also hard to do. You might think this year just gave us Dark Shadows and Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, but don't forget the indie film circuit, that shit that winds up on On Demand and Netflix that you foolishly put on late at night when you're a little confused and just despise once you start watching because it looks like it was filmed with an iPhone and most of the cast were rejected from porn shoots for lack of believability.

The fact is, dozens of vampire movies are made every year. Hundreds of books are written, and there are the odd video game and TV show squirted out, too. The vampire is not going away. It appeals to society more than any other monster, and the reason is that it offers bats and monster scares for kids, the idea of immortal love for the romantics, the promise of life after death for older fans and a sexiness for everyone else. No monster has more universal appeal, not even James Carville. It is so appealing that some very special few people among us, out in the world right now, think they are actually vampires. So here's why that's lame.

5
President Wrestler

Slacktory

In all the fun of this current election, you may have forgotten some of the earlier candidates who fell under the cold, conquering mitt of Mitt. Yes there was Newt and Huntsman and Bachmann, but do you remember Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey? Of course you don't, he's insane.

Jon Sharkey, also known as Rocky Adonis Flash, is a semi-pro wrestler, a Republican, a proponent of decapitation for criminals, a fan of girls 19 and under, and a vampire. Now that's a resume. And he's been investigated by the Secret Service for threatening to impale George W. Bush.

His 2008 campaign blog has posts that are mostly about declaring a Satanic holy war against Muslims and something about turning an 18-year-old girl into a vampire. Also a lot of death threats against people who mock him, so if I go missing, please question any handlebar-mustachioed vampires you can find. If he's recently sheared, just look for the guy who seems to be in as good shape as Steven Seagal, but with a confused, teenage girlfriend. I'll probably be OK, though -- I'll just blame it all on Adam Tod Brown, because I think I can outrun him.

Sharkey, as a conservative, ex-military Satanist vampire who likes teenage girls, would be a more hands-on president than we're used to, and apparently would have killed bin Laden himself if he'd been president at the time, which seems nice? I'm not sure. I'm not sure if that was part of his political platform, either. Can a presidential hopeful just list the accomplishments of other presidents and try to top them with fictional plans for how they would have made them better?

When not drinking blood twice a week, Sharkey is making plans for his America. If you guessed that he supports legal immigration but would execute illegal immigrants by impaling them, you have a stunning gift for guessing fucked up shit. If you guessed that he's also pro-life, you appreciate irony.

Here's a video he made about a 16-year-old girl who ran away to be with him. Just watch it.

Not much else to say here. No sir.

If This Were Fiction

Vampires with political agendas and weirdly inappropriate obsessions with younger girls ... sounds a lot like True Blood. Except there'd be way more boobs if this were True Blood, plus a sassy gay character with a foul mouth to really shake it up. Bitches.

4
Roomie Vamps

blastr.com

In 2010, a man in Arizona boldly chose to stay in Arizona despite what goes on there. He had been enduring a rough spot in life, which is polite talk for "he was a bum," and lucky for him, two completely not insane people invited him to move into their home free of charge. But there was a catch. Are you ready for the catch? Oh man, it's a good one. THEY WERE COMPLETELY BUTTFUCKING TURKEYS WHILE SINGING DONNA SUMMER SONGS INSANE! That's a Shyamalan style twist right there, yo.

Turns out the roommates were also vampires, at least insofar as they claimed to fear going out in the daytime, as it would turn them to dust. In hindsight, we know that's just something that happens to people in Arizona. But they also drank blood and wanted to suck it from their new roomie's girlfriend. Why did a homeless man have a girlfriend? It's not for us to speculate (huge penis?), but to spare her the trouble of being exsanguinated, her man offered his blood to his roommates free of charge to keep them at bay. Logic? We gots it!

Time passed, things were good, and then one of the vamps decided he needed more blood. However, when he was refused this time, vampmate decided to go about getting blood the old-fashioned way, with stabbishness and puncturosity. Lucky for us, we live in a society of laws, and when a vampire stabs you on the couch to get your precious and delicious inside goo, there are consequences. In this case, it's three years of probation. He's learned his lesson.

If This Were Fiction

In this same circumstance, Colin Farrell's Fright Night vampire would have eaten the shit out of that homeless man. Like, not literally eaten the shit out of him, but that bum would have died, and there would have been no probation, and ladies would have swooned. Pronounce "swoon" and "ed" as separate words to get the full effect of what vampire Colin Farrell can do to someone with a cervix. Or someone who looks at the stars on a clear summer's night and just wishes he had one. Just for a day.

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3
Harassment

Io9.com

What's the most terrifying thing about a vampire? Is it that it can change into a bat? That it's exceptionally hard to kill? That it can enthrall you and then use your very life essence to sustain its own unholy life? No. It's petty harassment. Those assholes can make noise at all hours, and there's naught to be done for it! Naught!

A pair of chaps who described themselves as reincarnated vampires (I'm not fully clear on the meaning: Were they vampires in a past life, but not anymore? Or were they reincarnated in this life as vampires? How'd that work during grade school?) took it upon themselves to use their diabolical skill set to harass a local parish church. Here is where you need to go "Bwa ha ha ha" and then dry wash your hands, maybe punch a child, because you're such a badass.

The vampires, cursed with immortality and a thirst for human blood, would sit outside the church at night and make howling noises, post obscene materials on the church bulletin board and, most terrifying of all, engage in prank phone calls. Drink some absinthe and go to a dark place and you'll likely be able to almost imagine them sinisterly dialing and saying shit like "Is your refrigerator running, padre?!?!" or "Do you have Prince Albert in a can? Because I'm touching my diiiiiiiiiiiick!" I call Gladstone's house and say that second one all the time. We laugh.

The local vicar, who was on the receiving end of this covenant of the night's sinister ministrations (forgive my overuse of the word "sinister," it's just that this shit is so obviously sinister), called the police, and the resulting seven-day trial ended with the pair of bloodsuckers being banned from the church grounds and given 12 months in prison, which, you'll notice, is a more harsh sentence than the one given to a vampire who stabbed a guy.

If This Were Fiction

If this were a movie, Wesley Snipes would have shot these idiots with UV bullets, because prank phone calling ranks on the evil scale right between unmaking someone's bed and leaving chicken on the counter for too long.

2
College

Vincentvangonads.tumblr.com

College is a special time in a person's life when they realize they're paying to be in high school, except now everyone is so much more drunk than they were back then. For some, the stress of cooking ramen noodles with a hotplate, giving a shit what Walt Whitman was writing about and having to deal with a campus full of people who insist on going to class wearing their pajamas is overwhelming. How overwhelming? Vamperwhelming. Isn't that a great portmanteau? No, it's not. Don't patronize me.

Anyway, Oberlin student Andrew Whiteman got sloppy wasted one night and tried to jack a drugstore, because that's what kids do these days when they get loaded and are full of liberal arts cockiness and bravado. You know the sort -- they just discovered Foucault, and they can't hold their zinfandel to save their lives, but by the time they hit the bottom of the bottle, they're going to let you know why none of their past sexual relationships worked, and it wasn't their fault. Some people like a penis with a pronounced curve, ya know.

Once the police arrived, it became clear that shit was not as it seemed, as Whiteman informed them that he was a 100-year-old vampire and had just at that moment made plans to kill the arresting officer and his whole family. Mom, dad, the kids, grandpa with the funny smell, weird Uncle Stubbins who is always adjusting his balls, everyone. Once at the local jail, he also made plans to eat someone's kidney. Both kidneys or just one? Who's to say? I like to think he was just going to eat one so that the victim would have to deal with the knowledge that their surviving kidney lost its mate at the hands of a vampire and they'd never grow old together and eventually it would grow bitter and resentful and neglect its job and the person would never piss right again. Now that's how you fuck with a person.

The next morning, Whiteman felt real bad about the whole thing and had sobered himself right out of vampirism. They still charged him with a bunch of shit, though, because up yours, you drunken liberal arts douchepire.

If This Were Fiction

In the fictional world, I'm assuming that Lance Henriksen would have watched Bill Paxton light this kid on fire while some Tangerine Dream played in the background. So help me if you don't get that reference, I will come to your home and we will have movie night together whether you like it or not.

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1
Nic Cage

Ebay.com, via iO9

More than once in your life, you've probably taken the time to wonder, "Where does the poop go when I flush?" and no amount of pleading with the toilet or trying to open the lid really fast to catch a glimpse of the magic portal within has made it any more clear to you. But when you tire of that, you may also start to ask yourself an even more important question: Is Nicolas Cage a vampire?

The answer is no. But just for kicks, pretend you didn't read that yet and continue with what I've written here. There are a few good jokes coming and, if it interests you, I was wearing a pair of green boxers that are completely devoid of holes when I wrote this. Well, there's that fly hole thingy in front, but no unnatural holes. I haven't used up the cotton yet, is what I'm saying. There are also dice on the boxers, but I can't say why. Is it a joke about craps? Is it saying that getting into my pants is a gamble? There's a lot of self-deprecating directions to go. But I've wasted a whole paragraph here, and we're no closer to understanding why you should question Nic Cage's immortality.

As it happens, cinema's greatest treasure, Nicolas Cage, bears a resemblance to a fellow in a photo from the year 1870. Enough that the owner of said photo publicly declared that he believes Nic Cage must be a vampire whilst simultaneously trying to sell the photo for a million bucks. Maybe you've heard this before, because it was actual, literal news. It got enough attention that Nic Cage actually went on The Late Show With David Letterman to deny rumors of his vampirism. But of course that's what a vampire would say. They're undead, they must lie like filthy stevedores. Never trust a dock worker, kids.

The astute among you will have noticed that Nic Cage ages, and the owner of the photo already had a handy explanation for how vampire Cage pulled that off -- it's to hide the fact that he's a vampire. He lives out a life for maybe 70 or 80 years and then just starts again. What are you, new at this? Do you not know how undead Coppolas work? You've grown boring. Leave.

Anyway, the vampire issue gets a little clouded in this story, but at the end of the day, this man is suggesting that, cursed with the power of everlasting life, a being of legend literally chose to be Nicolas Cage. I mean, can you even imagine?

If This Were Fiction

I think this was the plot to a movie once, wasn't it? It's also kind of the plot to Highlander. That oughta tell you how lame this is.

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