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The 5 Most Ridiculous Attempts to Be a Vampire in Real Life

#2. College

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College is a special time in a person's life when they realize they're paying to be in high school, except now everyone is so much more drunk than they were back then. For some, the stress of cooking ramen noodles with a hotplate, giving a shit what Walt Whitman was writing about and having to deal with a campus full of people who insist on going to class wearing their pajamas is overwhelming. How overwhelming? Vamperwhelming. Isn't that a great portmanteau? No, it's not. Don't patronize me.

Anyway, Oberlin student Andrew Whiteman got sloppy wasted one night and tried to jack a drugstore, because that's what kids do these days when they get loaded and are full of liberal arts cockiness and bravado. You know the sort -- they just discovered Foucault, and they can't hold their zinfandel to save their lives, but by the time they hit the bottom of the bottle, they're going to let you know why none of their past sexual relationships worked, and it wasn't their fault. Some people like a penis with a pronounced curve, ya know.

Once the police arrived, it became clear that shit was not as it seemed, as Whiteman informed them that he was a 100-year-old vampire and had just at that moment made plans to kill the arresting officer and his whole family. Mom, dad, the kids, grandpa with the funny smell, weird Uncle Stubbins who is always adjusting his balls, everyone. Once at the local jail, he also made plans to eat someone's kidney. Both kidneys or just one? Who's to say? I like to think he was just going to eat one so that the victim would have to deal with the knowledge that their surviving kidney lost its mate at the hands of a vampire and they'd never grow old together and eventually it would grow bitter and resentful and neglect its job and the person would never piss right again. Now that's how you fuck with a person.

The next morning, Whiteman felt real bad about the whole thing and had sobered himself right out of vampirism. They still charged him with a bunch of shit, though, because up yours, you drunken liberal arts douchepire.

If This Were Fiction

In the fictional world, I'm assuming that Lance Henriksen would have watched Bill Paxton light this kid on fire while some Tangerine Dream played in the background. So help me if you don't get that reference, I will come to your home and we will have movie night together whether you like it or not.

#1. Nic Cage

Ebay.com, via iO9

More than once in your life, you've probably taken the time to wonder, "Where does the poop go when I flush?" and no amount of pleading with the toilet or trying to open the lid really fast to catch a glimpse of the magic portal within has made it any more clear to you. But when you tire of that, you may also start to ask yourself an even more important question: Is Nicolas Cage a vampire?

The answer is no. But just for kicks, pretend you didn't read that yet and continue with what I've written here. There are a few good jokes coming and, if it interests you, I was wearing a pair of green boxers that are completely devoid of holes when I wrote this. Well, there's that fly hole thingy in front, but no unnatural holes. I haven't used up the cotton yet, is what I'm saying. There are also dice on the boxers, but I can't say why. Is it a joke about craps? Is it saying that getting into my pants is a gamble? There's a lot of self-deprecating directions to go. But I've wasted a whole paragraph here, and we're no closer to understanding why you should question Nic Cage's immortality.

As it happens, cinema's greatest treasure, Nicolas Cage, bears a resemblance to a fellow in a photo from the year 1870. Enough that the owner of said photo publicly declared that he believes Nic Cage must be a vampire whilst simultaneously trying to sell the photo for a million bucks. Maybe you've heard this before, because it was actual, literal news. It got enough attention that Nic Cage actually went on The Late Show With David Letterman to deny rumors of his vampirism. But of course that's what a vampire would say. They're undead, they must lie like filthy stevedores. Never trust a dock worker, kids.

The astute among you will have noticed that Nic Cage ages, and the owner of the photo already had a handy explanation for how vampire Cage pulled that off -- it's to hide the fact that he's a vampire. He lives out a life for maybe 70 or 80 years and then just starts again. What are you, new at this? Do you not know how undead Coppolas work? You've grown boring. Leave.

Anyway, the vampire issue gets a little clouded in this story, but at the end of the day, this man is suggesting that, cursed with the power of everlasting life, a being of legend literally chose to be Nicolas Cage. I mean, can you even imagine?

If This Were Fiction

I think this was the plot to a movie once, wasn't it? It's also kind of the plot to Highlander. That oughta tell you how lame this is.

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Ian Fortey

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