Unpopular Opinion Podcast: Do Kids Prove We're Doomed? 5 Terrifying Ways Police Can Legally Screw You Over 5 Types of Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped
Cracked Columnists

The 5 Most Poorly Conceived 'Sexy' Charity Drives

#2. Masturbate-a-thon

wikipedia

The Masturbate-a-thon is not my Friday night, nor is it a weekend with 90 percent of everyone on Craigslist. It's a real event that has been going on for over a decade in which people gather and just pound on their junk like gutter children fighting over stray sausages. While logic dictates that this probably happens frequently at certain frat houses and retirement homes, in terms of the -thon itself, it's to raise money for women's health and HIV prevention.

At this point, you're probably thinking either "gross" or "What a good idea!" But you may also be wondering where money comes from when you're masturbating, and if you're anything like me, no matter how many times you turn that crank, dollar bills do not fly out when you're finished. So who exactly is footing the bill for this? We can only guess. Hopefully it's like a charity walk and local businesses are sponsoring their favorite masturbator in the hopes that he or she can go the distance. This also brings up a secondary concern -- can men and women compete against one another? It seems unfair to suggest that a man has the ability to masturbate competitively against a woman, as, for all intents and purposes, if a woman still has muscle control in her arms, she can at least appear to be masturbating, while a man's physiology will fail him like a windsock in a sealed room.

World records have been set at the Masturbate-a-thon, too, because that's interesting and weird to keep track of. In 2012, a new wanking record was set by a dude who managed to keep choke-slamming Patrick Stewart for 10 hours and 10 minutes. The chafing that must have occurred boggles the mind.

A distance record was also set this year, but that's super gross and I will not speak of it further.

#1. Fuck for Forest

minds-eye

Back in the day, everyone cared about the rainforests, but then cooler and more topical environmental disasters took over, and now everyone loves polar bears and oil spills, and no one cares if the rainforests get plowed into Walmarts, because really, aren't they just home to filthy poo-slinging monkeys and indigenous peoples too foolish to have even invented iPhones? Silly locals.

Keeping the rainforests at the forefront of people's minds, Fuck for Forest is a group of people who want to fuck. For the forest. The world's first non-profit ecological erotica organization, FFF produces and sells porn and uses the profits to help mother Earth, who you must assume is a MILF. There's no trick like with PETA, which only pretends to be dirty but never has the balls to follow through. If you go to the FFF website right now, it'll take you less than 30 seconds to find a photo of a girl with dreadlocks exposing her butthole to you. Right in color! In the woods! If PETA really cared about chicken nuggets and goat abuse, they'd have buttholes all over their website, but they don't. Poseurs.

In their first year, Fuck for Forest raised $100,000 to help preserve the rainforests through the sale of paid memberships. People are willing to pay a good deal of money to watch tactless hippies bone just about anywhere. I once paid a bald chick on the bus $10 to slap me and tell me I'd never amount to anything, but of course that story isn't relevant now, so I won't tell it.

Their website and videos are worth a look, especially if you've never seen a grungy Euro hippie in a wheelchair get naked and put on a tiger mask. If you have seen that, then I like the cut of your jib, and I think we need to hang out. Message me, we'll go out for samosas.

Curiously, all the men involved are as disgusting as the men from mainstream North American porno and thus give you the sense that you wouldn't want to even shake their hands, let alone have sex with them, while the women seem just keen. We have to assume that porn is therefore legislated under some secret U.N. convention to ensure that no men who don't look like disheveled street people, cartoon villains or the inspiration for the term "douchebag" may ever be caught on camera humping, no matter the reason behind it.



Check out more from Felix in Donald Trump's 4 Most Hilarious Attempts at a Good Idea. Or check out 5 Inspiring Religions That Worship Penises.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Felix Clay

  • Rss

More by Felix Clay:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

909 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!