The 5 Most Misguided Uses of the Word 'Quantum' in Ads

#2. Quantum Powerball

Dishwashing tablets already wash dishes. That's everything that can be expected of them. Unless you're preparing nouvelle cuisine at a decillionth of the recommended serving size, you don't need to emphasize quantum effects, which didn't stop Finish from deciding classical cleaning wasn't enough and releasing Quantum Finish Powerballs.

It truly is a load of balls.

We understand that you can only hire people to fake ecstasy over sparkling dishware so many times before your brain starts to break down, but you should channel that insanity into a rubber glove fetish instead of stealing science words.

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Though with "rectal frictional coefficient," you can have both.

Quantum Powerball Finish should be a special attack in Pokemon, not a chore supply. This is the latest step in the total disconnect of advertisers from even pretending to exist in the same universe as the rest of us. There's a whole generation for whom "quantum" means "sciencey!" complete with misspelling and exclamation mark, because ads think they can use it as the verbal equivalent of neon lighting, in that it's amazingly advanced science being used to draw cheap attention to totally unrelated activities.

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Even the noblest of gases can get excited.

#1. Deepak Chopra's Quantum Consciousness

Deepak Chopra believes that consciousness transcends reality, but you should still give him real money. He combines pseudoscience and pseudoreligion to create an alloy of assholery capable of supporting his tidal waves of bullshit. If a self-help book and a science textbook got merged in a transporter accident, it would sound like Deepak Chopra's theories on quantum consciousness. And he would still claim that the spiritual aspects were more responsible for what had happened.

Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images
"The real horrific fly monster was inside us all along."

He heard that in quantum mechanics observation affects the result and decided that this crowned him emperor of reality, an all-powerful god of all he surveys who can ignore all those petty scientists explaining that he totally misunderstood that observation thing. He's a master of taking a simplified analogy, thinking that's the entire subject, then trying to use it to prove something else. If you explained the relativistic effects of traveling near light speed by using the twins paradox, he'd hire triplets and declare himself commander of Starfleet.

Ben Heys/Hemera/Getty Images
"Captain's Log: This is sadly pretty believable as an original series plot."

His quantum consciousness theories sound like someone playing Cards Against Reality. He uses quantum ideas impossibly badly, because he doesn't include even the least possible unit of sensible explanation. You couldn't misunderstand an analogy harder if you thought it meant shoving your head up your own ass to get a better look, and that would still do less damage to your ability to think.

One classic quote: "Consciousness may exist in photons, which seem to be the carrier of all information in the universe."

A big part of Deepak's plan is taking advantage of people who don't understand science, so I'm going to show what this would look using sports terms instead: "Consciousness may exist in touchdowns, which seem to be the only way to score points in American football."

They're unrelated terms wedged together in ways that are not just insane but outright wrong about the lone attempted fact. And at least in American football, he'd have the excuse of multiple concussions. Unfortunately, Deepak just read that analogy and decided he was commissioner of the NFL and capable of preventing interceptions by meditation, which would still be better than that time he meditated so hard, he caused an earthquake.

Deepak Chopra
Even Cobra Commander didn't tweet about causing natural catastrophes.

Luckily, true science is immune to such assholery. Quantum mechanics is humanity's greatest scientific achievement. It's the victory of the scientific method, revealing intellectual truths that contradict all our conceptions of common sense, because common sense was created to help a couple of meters of pork substitute have sex as often as possible and really doesn't apply to the fundamental laws of reality.

Luke has a website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.

For more scientific insight, find the Focal Length of Whiskey, or read how Scientists Discover the Answer to All Scaremongering Scientific Headlines.

Or you could continue glorying in your species with 6 Human-Made Materials You Won't Believe Exist or The 5 Most Badass Things Ever Done in Space.

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