#2. The Skyrim Murder Home
Skyrim is the perfect game for psychoanalysis. The game allows you to do anything you want, and let's be honest: That probably means organizing your wardrobe, delivering letters, picking flowers, and chasing butterflies. Don't be embarrassed. For most people, the gameplay features of an open-world RPG are identical to the side effects of synthetic estrogen.
Personally, I find that when a video game allows me to pickpocket the clothes off women, it's all I will ever do. If Skyrim ever installs a subway system, I'm the man their signs will warn girls about.
But when I saw this YouTube video made of a Skyrim serial killer's corpse-decorated house, I realized that turning an entire world into filthy underwear models was a pretty pedestrian level of crazy:
This maniac draped the beheaded bodies of a dozen women across his home's furniture and decorated his shelves with their faces. That's fucking crazy. That's crazier than the things your dentist whispers in your ear while you're asleep. This Skyrim player had the opportunity to act out his wildest fantasies, and it was turning imaginary people into bric-a-brac. It's batshit nuts, but in a way it's a happy story. Because years ago, when this gamer was kidnapped by sex offenders, who would have thought the long-term consequences would be so mild?
How Much Time Would This Take?
Skyrim has an intricate physics engine that allows players to lift and rotate any object. For reasons the game itself doesn't quite understand, this often causes all nearby items to wiggle violently and explode in random directions. Getting an object in Skyrim to lay at rest in its intended location is like trying to take a team photo at a Parkinson's support group. The player from this video managed to get a mutilated woman corpse on every chair in his house and nine heads symmetrically placed on a bookshelf. Even if you had already lured all the women into your home, that's still hours of delicate fussing to get their bloody remains in place. Not that it really matters. When someone catches you playing in a pile of human heads, they don't relax when you tell them, "This shouldn't take very long at all!"
#1. The Gameboy Marriage
A lot of people imagine that there is no romance in a gamer's life, but that's not exactly true. For instance, more than 20,000 couples got married one day in the game Rift, and any person with a high-pitched voice is offered rape immediately after she or he talks on Xbox Live. But one gamer decided he could be even creepier. In 2009, a Japanese man named Sal 9000 was playing a game on his Nintendo DS and asked one of the characters to marry him.
The game is a dating simulator called Love Plus, and it's exactly the kind of product you'd expect from a society that deals with sexual expression by blurring the genitals and showing the tentacles. Western audiences have had trouble embracing games about dating, probably because they feature vulnerable 11-year-olds in school uniforms, and that's how we sell each other guns, not arouse ourselves.
Sal 9000 married a character named Nene Anegasaki, an AI program sophisticated enough to respond to the whims of a grown man, but not sophisticated enough to cover him in pepper spray.
In this CNN article, Sal 9000 is described as "healthy," but in direct contrast to this, he agreed to be photographed enjoying an "ordinary day" with his Nintendo wife. He took it boogie boarding in a little plastic bag, and then they went window shopping. He actually held his toy girl up to a window display where everyone could see him, including the rectal thermometer at home who was under the impression they were exclusive.
You're probably saying, "All he did was marry a Nintendo? Yesterday I banged a Chutes & Ladders box filled with warm pasta. Where's my trophy?" Well, I didn't say this was some kind of accomplishment for the human. If anything, this human tainted all his future accomplishments with this one breathtaking failure. No, this was a victory for the machine. A fake girl in a dating video game talked the user into marriage! That's like winning 100-0 using only 360 dunks. For generations, this will be the story inanimate objects tell each other to inspire greatness. "Nene Anegasaki" is what old diapers will chant the day a discarded Milwaukee tampon believes in itself enough to absorb Lake Michigan.
How Much Time Would This Take?
This would be a tough feat to recreate. I suppose if you surrounded a baby with robots that showed pictures of vaginas while they screamed and rewarded hugging with electric shocks, that child would grow up to start a cycle of emotional neglect that could eventually lead to its grandchildren dating a dating simulator. But I guess anyone crazy enough to think up all that might as well marry a Gameboy themselves. Oh ... oh my, I have so much to plan!
He may mock dubious accomplishments, but Seanbaby wrote UFC Undisputed 2009, which holds the actual Guinness Record for Most Recorded Commentary in a Fighting Game. You can visit him at GameGoon.com or follow him on Twitter.