Getting married isn't always easy. Often, your spouse-to-be makes some ridiculous demand before they agree to enter into a permanent relationship with you, like that you have to get rid of your collection of anime figurines without heads or give up on sleeping with your stuffed pig named Mr. Pinky.
Luckily, like all those times you've watched Couples Therapy late at night to convince yourself that your life could be much worse, a glance at history can provide us with copious examples of people who went much further than you ever will just to find a spouse. Like the people who said ...
5"Second Thoughts? Tell It to My Entire Army"
The story of history's most awkward wedding starts in the sixth century with a Germanic tribe called the Varni, whose king had betrothed his son Radigis to a maiden in Britain, a sister of the king of the Angles. History doesn't name this woman, so I'll call her Betty.
This can be her.
All was looking good for Radigis and Betty until Radigis' father fell ill. On his deathbed, he instructed Radigis to call off his engagement to the strange foreigner and marry someone local instead. When Betty heard the news, she wept and listened to Lana Del Rey for a while, and then made the most logical choice for an abandoned bride: she decided to invade Radigis' fucking country.
See, according to the Greek historian Procopius, the Anglian "barbarians" of the time took the idea of marriage very seriously: "When merely the name of marriage has been mentioned among them," he wrote, "the woman is considered to have lost her maidenhood." It's probably good that this aspect of the culture didn't really survive in England or its colonies, lest any one of us duck into a Dave's Bridal to get out of the rain and find ourselves engaged to the stock boy.
"Hey, you like boxes? I like boxes too."
How Did That Work Out?
An army of 100,000 Anglian soldiers descended on the fiance's homeland, all singing "Love Is a Battlefield" in unison, and the Germanic armies met them near the mouth of the Rhine. There, the Germans were decisively defeated by the sheer power of the insulted Betty, and a group of soldiers brought her news of the victory, only for her to yell at them that they'd achieved fuck-all, because they hadn't brought back her husband-to-be alive.
Soldiers dutifully set back out to track down the poor guy and found him hiding in the woods. Brought in front of Betty, Radigis reportedly begged for his life and was calmly told that all was forgiven if only he'd leave his new wife and go through with the original wedding. Not surprisingly, he did, and the two united in what was presumably a long and very awkward marriage.
4"You Want This? Prove It by Taking Over a Whole Goddamn Country"
What would you do if the person you proposed to demanded that you take over and rule a country before they'd accept? Probably, you'd just marry Debbie from work instead. She's really nice, and she gets on with your mother.
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Why does everyone always forget about Debbie?
Not so Harald, the ninth-century ruler of several small kingdoms in what would one day become Norway. According to the Norse saga of kings, the Heimskringla, Harald was in love with a woman named Gyda. He sent messengers to propose to her, but Gyda knocked them back, saying that she'd marry only the king of a whole country, not the lousy ruler of a few puny scattered kingdoms.
The terrified messengers returned with the bad news, and Harald declared that the woman had a point. He vowed to unite all of Norway under his rule and not cut or comb his hair until he'd achieved this.
How Did That Work Out?
Harald started his Conquer Norway campaign right away, pillaging the land and killing off other kings like it was going out of style. He was remarkably successful in his conquests, maybe because the other proto-Norwegians saw his hair and thought they were just being visited by a tourist from Portland. Once Harald had crossed off the last kingdom on his to-do list, he returned to marry Gyda. Of course, Harald reportedly had at least nine other wives, so maybe she didn't end up that impressed after all.