5 Horrifying Valentine's Day Promotions You Won't Believe

It's Valentine's Day, which means that whether you're romantically attached or blissfully uninvolved, there are some sweet deals out there of which you can take advantage. Some offer romance to couples, while others offer sympathy to singles ... and if you're not into any of that, then there are always these oblivious, festering mounds of horseshit:

#5. Watch Animals Bone, Get a Discount On a Hotel Room

webguzs/iStock/Getty Images

In 2009, Binder Park Zoo in Michigan decided to capitalize on the erotic world of animal fucking by inviting 30 couples to drink champagne and watch some beasties get it on. Tour guides would then regale couples with animal sex stories, such as how you can make cheetahs horny using Jovan Musk perfume. Or they could just watch monkeys dong it up right in front of their stupid human faces. And that's not an exaggeration -- according to that link, some of the primates like to bone "as close as possible to the spectators."

But what if you're one of the unlucky ones who didn't get to see a yak sling some dick? Don't worry your pretty little head about it none -- they have a DVD presentation at the end of the tour. Nobody gets cheated at Binder Park Zoo, baby. You came to see some animal fucking, and by god, you're going to see some animal fucking.

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images
That is so hot.

That's not actually the weirdest part. It turns out that those who attended the event got a discount on "romantic packages" at the local Holiday Inn. Seriously give that some thought, because it implies two very horrifying things: 1) that you were turned on by watching animals throw down in the lowdown so much that you needed your own room to bust one out yourself, and 2) that the hotel worker who honors that discount knows exactly where you just came from and that animal sex is what's prompting you to get your grind on.

Fortunately for all of humanity, it appears that the "Zoorotica" event (yes, that's actually what they called it) doesn't exist anymore. Instead, they offer the equally ridiculous "adopt a bear hug" for your Valentine, which comes with a card, photo, and "beary" puns which we're sure are just hilarious to people who most certainly don't have functional relationships with other humans.

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images
It's out of this world! PURRfect!

#4. A Restaurant Encourages Bathroom Sex

Arnel Manalang/Hemera/Getty Images

In 2010, Mildred's Temple Kitchen in Toronto ran a promotion that encouraged people to get it on in their unisex bathrooms. The dinner came with a little scroll that read, "Have you given any thought to moving beyond the bedroom?" The promotion itself read, "Check out Mildred's Sexy Bathrooms throughout the weekend of Big Love. You get the picture." Which is the polite way of saying, "Wanna do butt stuff in our bathrooms? Hell yeah you do. And we're totally down with that."

It was a joke. Kind of. The owners insisted it was done as one, but then added that they won't apologize for it, because they think people should be spontaneous. Well, that and they set the rule that customers had to bring their own condoms. Which is basically saying, "Nah, I was totally kidding about that ... unless you're going to do it. Are you going to do it? Because I don't mind if you want to. You know what, you should just fuck in my bathroom. It'll be fun."

PavelKriuchkov/iStock/Getty Images
"Hold that thought, baby. I have to poop first."

Joke or not, the promotion ended up getting way more attention than they expected -- the story went global. Which would be fine if they were some run-of-the-mill, shitty hash joint, but they're not. Co-owner Donna Dooher is a celebrity chef, but for weeks after running that promo, none of the questions she was asked were about her food. It was all, "So ... how many people ejaculated in your bathroom?"

The greatest part, though, is that when people brought it to the attention of Toronto's public health officials, they were like, "Yeah? And?" Their stance was that as long as it wasn't going on in the kitchen, they didn't see the big deal. As far as they were concerned, there's really no difference in terms of gross-out factor between sex and all of the other things that usually happen in a public lavatory. And that's why Toronto will always hold a special place in our hearts here at Cracked.

Purestock/Purestock/Getty Images
No symbolism here at all.

#3. Get Married While Firing Machine Guns (Or Shoot Your Ex In the Face)

Oleg Zabielin/iStock/Getty Images

In 2013, gun ranges in Las Vegas offered a number of Valentine's Day specials, such as the "take a shot at love" package, which came with a healthy stock of ammunition for submachine guns. Others were a bit more romantic, allowing couples to fire a few rounds off at a paper zombie while tying the knot or renewing their vows, because that's where evolution has led us.

Alexey Romanov/iStock/Getty Images
"Before we commit, I need to show you what I'm capable of if you ever cheat."

Now, we're not saying that's a bad thing. In fact, a large portion of us here at Cracked would jump at the chance to spend the day screaming "GET SOME" while firing off hundreds of AK-47 rounds with our significant others. The problem is that these offers came a mere two months after the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. Or as Wikipedia puts it, "the second-deadliest mass shooting by a single person in U.S. History." The one that resparked heated gun debates and forced ads, TV shows, movies, and video games to remove gun-related material.

We're not here to take a stance on that debate (that's a whole library's worth of articles full of opposing viewpoints), but we can certainly understand why some people would cringe after hearing about the promotion to empty a machine gun clip into pictures of their ex. But hey, it must have been popular, because Machine Guns Vegas is now offering a $499 "Just Divorced" package this year.

olegmit/iStock/Getty Images
"Sure, I'll sign the papers. Let me just cock my pen."

So yeah, while we can probably sit back now and think, "Man, I love every last inch of that firearms boner," it wasn't exactly the best timing back in 2013. Oh, and while we're on the subject of divorce ...

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Marina Reimann

  • Rss

More by Marina Reimann:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!