#2. Is Les Miles Fake Relaxing?
There is no big background story here. This one is just a straight-up stupid fucking question:
"Coach, all week you've seemed really relaxed. I'm wondering how much of that was actually true, real relaxation -- how'd you sleep last night? I mean, give us a sense of what you actually went through this week."
And with that, LSU coach Les Miles had the only reaction a normal, sane human could have. He burst out laughing and said, "That is not even relevant" in the same tone you use when saying, "What the fuck are you talking about?" He continued, "Who cares? I didn't sleep worth a dang all week. Then last night, I slept pretty good -- hell, I was exhausted." Then a long pause as he desperately looks around for literally anyone else to talk to, followed by a response in the style of mock pleasant conversation, "It was a nice hotel we stayed in. It was in Birmingham. It was really ... I'll tell you about it."
"Sorry, I'm waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out and tell me I just got punked. He still does that, right?"
This was one of those instances where I was positive someone had just sent an intern in their place because they had a haircut scheduled at the same time as that interview. Or maybe it was a Weekend at Bernie's situation where the real reporter was dead and being flopped around by a couple of college kids, fooling everyone into thinking he was alive. "Shit, ask a question before they notice something's up!" "Um ... were you just pretending to be relaxed yesterday? Do you ever wish that people would just love you for you?"
The only other reaction I could picture happening there is the coach staring at the reporter in straight-faced silence. The taint of seething hatred building up in his gut. Then without saying a word, forcefully spitting in the guy's face and just staring at him until he leaves. Then continuing on like nothing happened.
#1. Steve Spurrier Moves the Whole Fucking Press Meet
OK, let's get this part over with: Steve Spurrier is the coach of the South Carolina Gamecocks. Give yourself a few minutes to get it out of your system.
Alright, now that that's all out of the w- no? Christ. Well, I'm going anyway. Spurrier had a problem with a writer named Ron Morris who, according to him, wrote blatantly false stories about his football program in the newspaper The State. For people outside of South Carolina, the whole story was a dumb, meaningless drama, the details of which aren't even worth repeating. For the sake of excitement, we'll just assume that he was writing gay porn fan fiction about them or something. But whatever the articles actually were, Spurrier took exception to them, and if his allegations were true, he had every right to be pissed.
So in the video, he starts out by pacing and saying he has something he needs to get off his chest. Ladies, let me take a second to say that if you are around a man who's doing that, it typically means bad shit is about to happen. If it happens in a bar, it means you should go ahead and start dialing 911, because before you finish, he's going to have a pool cue in his hand and think he's in the movie Road House.
"I thought you'd be bigger."
Spurrier proceeds to relay a story of how, in his 26-year history of being a head coach, he had only encountered two reporters (and points to Morris, who I'm assuming is both of the people he's talking about) who he's had to disassociate himself from because of fabricated stories. And since Ron Morris sits in on all of those press conferences, by taking part in them himself, the coach is contributing to Morris writing more negative things about him and the football program. Like calling them fat or whatever. And then the ultimate slap in the face happens ...
Steve Spurrier can't just kick out a member of the press from a conference like that. Morris has a right to be there because he has credentials and because the law protects against that sort of shit. But what Spurrier can do is move the entire fucking interview into another room where Ron Morris isn't invited, leaving him sitting there like a dumbass, waiting for any scrap of information to seep out through the crack under the door. He can also refuse to answer any question from any reporter at all if Ron Morris is in the room. And that's exactly what he did.
"We're going in there, and don't tell Morris the password. He can start his own club called the Stupidheads."