In the arena of politics, celebrity endorsements are everything. Take out mudslinging, avoiding policy questions, rhythmic chanting, photo ops and hollow rhetoric, and what’s left? Just pandering, fear mongering, and celebrity endorsements. Clearly, getting whiny, shallow actors to say they like you is a key part of the process.
For example, Obama and McCain both want the all-important Angelina Jolie endorsement, probably to help them nail down the “votes the same as people they want to have sex with, just in case it ever comes down to that” demographic (roughly 40% of the American populace). So until she makes up her mind, she’ll be lavished with McCain’s homemade cookie bouquets and Obama’s signature deep-tissue foot massages.
For every attractive starlet whose endorsement the candidates want, there’s about a dozen utter nutjobs who are more than happy to pledge their undying support. Of course, no candidate in their right mind would be caught dead with them, which is why we’re now going to examine each in minute detail.
Behold, five John McCain fans whose rally invitations just seem to keep getting “lost in the mail.”
SPECIAL NOTE: Tune in to this space in two weeks for EQUAL TIME: 5 Obama Supporters He’d Rather Not Have! And don’t bitch in the comments.
The Endorsement:
Hagee is senior pastor of a huge San Antonio church and CEO of GETV, a “non-denominational charismatic church group” overseeing Evangelical programming for 160 TV stations, 50 radio stations, and eight dedicated Christian TV networks. You’d be hard pressed to find a more expansive and powerful propaganda machine without releasing a cloud of nanobots.
And by the way, “charismatic” doesn’t mean he’ll talk you into a new Pontiac; it means his church believes in tongues, faith healing, and assorted other God magics. So from McCain’s point of view, here’s a guy who can get on TV and tell 90 million Christians that God wants them to vote Republican in November, and he’s got magical powers to back it up. Sweet deal, right?
The Strings:
First, this NPR interview where Hagee calls Hitler a “hunter doing God’s work.” So, is he a Nazi? I mean, yeah, but with a slightly more complicated explanation.
The gist is that God wants the Jews to be in Israel, so he sent Hitler to lightly reprimand those who refused the call and stayed in Europe. This is all because one of the requirements for the Second Coming is that the Jews rebuild Jerusalem, and they can’t very well do that from Hamburg, now can they? Enter Hitler, God’s way of saying “uh-uh, you lazy Jews. Get to ze buildink!”
Hagee went on to draw comparisons between the Islamic Nation and World War II Germany and Japan. Aside from offending just about everyone, this statement puts Hagee in the same league as Internet commenters for forced Nazi references, a group no politician wants to be associated with.
Oh, and he also called the Catholic Church a whore and said that Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment for the sins of New Orleans. Then he probably shook and spoke in tongues or something, at which point McCain’s staffers took back their bumper stickers and began slowly backing out of the room.
How He Handled It:
“Obviously, I find these remarks and others deeply offensive and indefensible.”
How He Should Have Handled It:
When a Nazi masquerading as a Christian is patting you on the back, you don’t politely distance yourself from him; you make like the War Hero you claim to be and G.I. Joe him right in the neck.
Imagine McCain at a Hagee church fundraiser, inviting him up on stage to “thank” him for his inestimable contributions. They go to shake hands, and POW! McCain’s right arm shoots up with skull-cracking force, defying his shoulder injuries and evoking nothing so much as the snapping action of the kid from Rookie of the Year.
McCain looks down Hagee’s crumpled and lifeless form, and snarls “Where’s your Messiah now, Adolf?”
Of course, that could alienate some of that far right Christian voting block. But that’s okay, because there’s always more pastors to court. Plus, who needs a base when you’ve got the reggae/salsa/rap/hip hop/electronica vote? Enter…
The Endorsement:
If there’s a voting block McCain’s got trouble with aside from the religious right, it’s kids. Let’s face facts: any effort he makes to appear “cool” to today’s youth is just going to come off looking like the “rappin’ grandma” from The Wedding Singer. Luckily, kids vote about as often as they pilot experimental aircraft, so there’s not a whole lot of danger to alienating them.
But who knows? Today’s kids are slightly more politically active than their forebears, thanks to things like The Daily Show and Colbert Report, and even this new Rock the Vote thing might have some effect. So if there’s a chance to steal away Barack’s precious urban youth votes with a bold, spicy celebrity endorsement, why not take it?
After all, Daddy Yankee’s been vocally in favor of McCain. He’s Puerto Rican, which could help out in the crucial state of Florida. And he’s got “Yankee” right in his name, which can’t hurt either. Yep, seems like an easy win.
The Strings:
It turns out Daddy Yankee is a reggaeton rapper. And before you ask, no, I’ve never heard of it either, John (but that doesn’t mean you’re not out of touch with today’s youth).
And while there’s nothing wrong with that, per se, there is a certain risk in alienating your core voting group. Believe me, there aren’t a lot of stolid, fiscally responsible war veterans who groove out to “La Zona de Gangstas (feat. Snoop Dogg).” And the few that there are are already voting Green Party, on the mistaken assumption that it’s the party that wants to legalize pot.
Yeah, there’s no real way to take this guy’s endorsement without looking like a pandering, painfully awkward old white guy. Especially once Snoop kicks in with his dope rhymes (around 2:00, for you fellow Snoop fans–right after the video equates a crucifix to an assault rifle).
Best to just let him be on his way, and keep your dignity intact.
How He Handled It:
By introducing him at a High School and then stomping and clapping arrhythmically to “La Gasolina,” a song about how this one girl can’t get enough cum. Really, she just loves the stuff.
It’s a poignant reminder of the tough financial times we’re in that several of the students whose Spanish was a little shaky immediately ran to their cars and began masturbating into their gas tanks.
How He Should Have Handled It:
There’s nothing wrong with a gun-toting, gas mask-wearing, barbed wire tattoo-sporting Puerto Rican gangsta rapper endorsing you. In fact, it’s kind of cool, as long as you never mention it, act like you don’t know about it, and avoid eye contact with him whenever you’re in the same room.
Because otherwise, you might as well just put on a day-glo hat, flava flav clock and old person sunglasses, because you’re already way past trying too hard and into the realm of dignity pulling your pants down and running away giggling. You’re going to need a political heavy-hitter to recover from that kind of ego-bruise, and luckily, I know just where to find one … or two.
The Endorsement:
It kind of goes without saying that a McCain campaign can count on a Bush endorsement. And really, it’s good for all of us; if his own party abandoned him, he might just go into a ‘Nam flashback and rip the throats out of everyone at the nearest caucus. And if there’s anything we must protect, it’s our caucuses. Cauci? Cockeye? Whatever.
On the surface, the endorsement of the man who has the job you’re interviewing for isn’t really a bad deal. I had a friend who ran the drive thru at a Taco Bell, and when he quit to become a script reader, I snapped that shit up like a Cruchwrap Supreme.
And what’s the presidency if not a glorified drive thru window? You take the orders of America, misinterpret them due to a broken and convoluted communications system, then give them what you thought they wanted and charge them for it anyway.
The point being, if the biggest celeb in the world—the President of the gosh-darned United States—and his Dad (who was also the President) both want to come out and say you could do their job, that’s just Fire Sauce.
The Strings:
Unless that Fire Sauce has a 19 percent approval rating. Despite their differences, a fairly solid campaign strategy from both sides lately has been to point out repeatedly and emphatically “Guys, I am NOT like George Bush. Seriously, I barely even know the guy. We like, shook hands, ONCE, and we didn’t even make eye contact.”
While Obama can point to his donkey pin, voting record, and blackness to distance himself from the presidential pariah, all McCain’s really got is the word “maverick.” Which is not to imply that his camp isn’t utilizing the word “maverick” to the absolute fullest extent grammatically possible.
And if you think I’m being biased, may I point out that during his endorsement speech, President Bush actually offered to oppose McCain if that would be more helpful. Bitter passive-aggression, or surprising insight?
If McCain’s going to pull this one out, it’s time to play some “ditch the turd.” Just don’t say anything to imply that you have admiration, affection, or respect for Bush.
How He Handled It:
“I’m very honored and humbled to have the opportunity to receive the endorsement of the President of the United States, a man who I have great admiration, respect and affection [for].”
Way to put all the pressure on Palin, John. You know she can’t take it!
How He Should Have Handled It:
Just before the President grasped his hand at the White House Rose Garden, he should have yanked it up and away, smoothing a stray lock of hair and shrugging his leather jacket as if to say “oops.” If any of the reporters present ask if that was meant as a sign of disrespect, he’d just respond “I don’t know. Maybe,” and leave for a “thing later.”
I’m telling you nothing’s going to speak to the majority of Americans quite like entitled, sarcastic apathy.
The Endorsement:
Our second pastor, Rod Parsley is no John Hagee, at least in terms of drawing power. In fact, if you were a hack comedy writer, you might even describe him as the “garnish” to Hagee’s televangelist meal. And if you were John McCain during the Republican primaries, you might describe him as “one of the truly great leaders in America, a moral compass, a spiritual guide.”
But despite his lack of TV stations, Parsley’s no slouch when it comes to uniting a voting block. As founder of more Colleges than DeVry (all Ministerial) and head of the World Harvest Megachurch, he’s definitely got some pull with God. In fact, as the church itself is 122,000 square feet on 57 acres of land, there’s a fairly good chance his church is the only one God could comfortably fit into anyway. And as the saying goes, “if you’ve got God’s vote, you’re halfway there.” Of course, you still need Jolie.
Parseley’s also been a guest on Larry King Live, which means he’s got the ear of the nation’s most ancient and bitter voters. No harm in him throwing around the McCain name at church events, right?
The Strings:
Before he was such good buddies with McCain, Parsley released a series of DVDs about Islam, and an attendant book called “Silent No More.” The pressing issue on which he’d been silent so long? He hates Islamists.
Okay, maybe “hate” is a strong word. He actually said that to “fulfill our divine purpose” we must understand that “America was founded in part with the intention of seeing this false religion destroyed.” Of course, you’d want to see Islam destroyed too if you knew it was “a conspiracy of spiritual evil.” Right, guys?! Who’s with me? Can I get a “ho-sannah?” … guys?
Parseley is also a dominioninst, which is a fancy word meaning someone who thinks the church should take over the government. Although I’m guessing he’s not referring to the church of Islam. So, he hates a specific group and wants to seize governmental power … I’ll stop before this slides back into a Hitler metaphor.
Oh, and he probably cheated on his taxes, which seems kind of minor in retrospect.
How He Handled It:
“I’ve never been in Pastor Hagee’s church or Pastor Parsley’s church. I didn’t attend their church for 20 years, and I’m not a member of their church. I received their endorsement, which did not mean that I endorsed their views.”
How He Should Have Handled It:
Dispatched a team to gas Parsely in his home, rendering him unconscious, and take him by unmarked van to a Hollywood back lot prepared so as to mimic a cloudy, ethereal Heaven. When he awakes, seventy-two hijab-draped virgins emerge from the mist, informing the pastor that Allah would “like to have some words with him.” The ensuing freak-out is streamed live to the Internet via the McCain campaign website.
The Endorsement:
Never heard of Tran Trong Duyet? I guarantee you John McCain remembers every detail of his pocked, scowling face. That’s because Mr. Duyet was the head guy at the “Hanoi Hotel,” the Vietnam prison camp where John McCain and many other American soldiers were held captive and (according to Duyet) NOT tortured at all.
What did they do with all their time not being tortured? Why, played volleyball, ate full meals, and discussed philosophy with their friendly, enlightened captors! Duyet says he considers McCain “an old war buddy” and would “definitely vote for him” in the election.
He also called McCain a man who is “very loyal to his beliefs and country” and who” never admitted that the Vietnam war was a mistake” during any of their “debates.” I’d wager an inordinate number of those debates were moderated by hot tongs and the phrase “di di mao!”
Still, there’s nothing quite like redemption to win over an American heart, and what could be more cathartic than a big on-stage hug between John McCain and his repentant torturer?
The Strings:
Oh wait, John McCain CAN’T hug. Because you fucking crippled him, you batshit crazy bastard. In a world this insufferably bizarre, I guess it’s not beyond shocking to imagine John McCain’s former torture-master backing him for President. No, wait, it is. It totally is. I’d be surprised if McCain could look at Duyet without vomiting fire, let alone graciously accept his endorsement.
It’s not that you can’t support McCain, Mr. Duyet. It’s just that he doesn’t want to hear about it, and no one wants to hear you claiming that soldiers in prison camps were having a dandy time eating Nik-L-Nips and Lik-M-Aid (I like hyphenated candies). Furthermore, your assertion that McCain made up the torture stories to get votes takes you from “delusional guy trying to live with guilt” to “fucker” in like, zero moves.
And even though we’re not as close as we used to be, I’m fairly sure John McCain doesn’t share your dream of “meeting with him again as two old friends” to “talk about the future, and…not talk about the past.” Because that dream is FUCKING CRAZY.
How He Handled It:
“…”
How He Should Have Handled It:
Yeah, that’s about right.
And now, in the interest of going out on a joke, I give you the worst possible campaign endorsement short of Stalin’s corpse rising from his tomb to go canvassing for you.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael is liveblogging debates!!!
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December 9th, 2008 at 5:18 am
The KKK must be pissed like shit now
November 3rd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
indian names of baby boy…
I usually agree with your article content, but in this case I am sorry to say that I do not share your views….
October 31st, 2008 at 12:04 am
Pretty sure McCain CAN hug, given that grip he’s got on Dubya under #3. Or perhaps that is a gentle caress.
October 27th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
does any one else thing obama looks like a chimp and is incapable of leading our country because he belives in marxism
October 25th, 2008 at 5:06 am
AL QAEDA, MOTHERFUCKER !!!!
October 25th, 2008 at 12:51 am
Does anyone else think McCain looks like Mr Potato Head? Also, you should definitely have included Heidi and Spencer from The Hills. If McCain gets voted in, then the world’s view of USA as the most collectively idiotic country known to man will have been proven accurate.
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:27 am
Howard,
Seducing America’s youth? I mean sure I am voting for Obama, but attracted to him? I mean have you seen those pictures of him at the beach, he’s all pale … and has barely any muscle definition. His chest is so smooth, and his nipples are… just right for lightly flicking with my tongue….
Oh God what’s happening to me. Your right. Stop Obama before he gayifies me, with those soft lips filled with hope…
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:02 am
[...] promised in my article about crazy people endorsing John McCain, I’ve gone out and found the corresponding [...]
October 20th, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Dear Rocketgirl,
You’re a moron.
Sincerely,
Me
October 20th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
OBAMA = 20 YEARS OF ANTISEMITISM AT WRIGHT’S CHURCH
Obama has been relentless in seducing America’s youth, and controlling the media. What’s next? … teaching our children to turn their parents in to the Gestapo? These tactics have been used before … and, they’re right out of the Nazi and Islamic/madrassa play books. Wake up America … the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
October 16th, 2008 at 1:10 am
The most ridiculous thing about Daddy Yankee endorsing McCain is that he can’t even vote in the US.
O_0
And for some reason he hosted a debate for the elections in Puerto Rico………….Who made him into a political connoisseur??
October 15th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Anal Confessions.
October 15th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
i wish more people in my area were afraid to put McCain/Palin signs on their lawns as rocketgirl suggests, sadly i live in a state where they might have made that kkk video (and where it might not hurt his votes) and where everywhere i look the streetsides are littered with afformentioned signs….
October 15th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Bush was a little too obvious i think….tho his offer to “un-endorserize” (which is the word i imagine bush would have used when making the offer) if it would be more helpful, made it all worthwhile. great article i look forward to the equal time for obama (with the hopes that the black reverend thats so publicly been a terrible endorser doesn’t make the list-mostly cause im sick of hearing about it)
October 14th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Um helloooo! That’s pretty close to ALL of the public figures endorsing McCain. Why would anyone in their right mind? How many of us already feel that its simply too dangerous to our homes to display a McCain/Palin sign on the front lawn or a bumper sticker on our car? How many of us dare not speak against “Comrade Napoleon” (i’m scared to even put his name in here else I have the secret service knocking at my door one day).
Now, of you, who thinks after the election is over that it will all suddenly become calm and business like with respect for all from those who are victorious against those of us who have lost?
uh huh…right.
October 13th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Is that the Batman symbol in the background of the McCain/Hagee picture?
October 13th, 2008 at 6:56 am
McCain can’t even fly a plane properly xD
At least Obama isn’t with the nutty creationist Muslim-hating televangelistic 80-IQ dickwads. I’d rather vote for a fuckin’ plank of wood than McCain and Palin. Bunch of crazy rednecks…
Btw, Obama and Biden don’t have nearly as many nutjobs supporting him as McCain and Palin do. As for the ‘hiphop dudes’ vote, I love hiphop but more Run-DMC and Public Enemy aka intelligent rap not this gangsta shit, and I’m sure Flavor Flav himself (as well as Chuck D, Professor Griff and the rest of them) would vote for Obama, no one even knows who this Daddy Yankee idiot is and he looks like a total douche anyway. Sure as hell they wouldn’t vote for an unintelligent, bullshit-talking diva like Palin who probably wants segregation reintroduced and compulsory moose hunts installed (sorry, had to say it xD). Give me a break, she thinks she has foreign policy knowledge because ‘you can see Russia from Alaska’, which is possibly the most retarded thing anyone ever said and wouldn’t even be found in a Britney Spears song. And I agree with the other guy who said that McCain deserved what he got in Vietnam, he went over to bomb poor-as-shit people with his priveliged cracker ass instead of fighting on the ground against those badass Viet Cong guys so it’s a wonder karma didn’t intervene and he got ripped two dozen new assholes. Alright enough ranting, ritalin time…
October 13th, 2008 at 2:01 am
McCain wasn’t crippled by the Hanoi Hotel guy; he was crippled when he crashed a plane because he - deliberately - didn’t avoid a SAM (surface-to-air missile) when he knew it was about to hit him.
That was the second US plane he’d crashed. In a training flight, McCain stalled the plane and it crashed into the water. He admitted that the only reason he survived this one was because the canopy had been damaged; he hadn’t been paying attention when he was being trained on how to get out of a submerged plane.
I wouldn’t want someone piloting my country if they can’t pilot a plane because they were 1) stubborn, 2) inattentive and 3) stupid.
October 13th, 2008 at 12:35 am
the fact that he indorsed the head guy at the camp was just him clearly showig how desperate he is for winning presidency. god knows what will happen if he doesnt get what he wants
by the way im voting Obama.
October 12th, 2008 at 11:21 am
The divisiveness generated by the two party system is ridiculous. There hasn’t been a candidate in the last several elections I even remotely felt motivated to vote for. Are socially conservative democrats really that rare?
October 12th, 2008 at 8:21 am
I object to your article. George Bush Sr. is not clearly insane.
October 12th, 2008 at 6:13 am
I wonder if anyone believed that by saying “but we’ll do Obama next week” would reduce the half-baked political commentary. Guys - on either side - stick to what you know. If all you’re going to say is “Yeah, but McCain is still the best!!1!” or “See why I vote Obama XD!” then at least notice the only person who cares is me- because I’m bored enough to snigger at you all, then type this. And that means I really have no life.
October 12th, 2008 at 2:24 am
that nun is hot, where is the pic origin from?
October 12th, 2008 at 12:41 am
I, for one, find it hilarious that so many McCain supporters are going crazy over this article. I’d love for Cracked to make a similar article about Obama, so we could compare the rage expressed by either party’s supporters. Here’s a guess based on previous observations: Democrats don’t have a persecution complex.
October 11th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Any of you dumbasses saying “well it’ll be EASY to list all of Obama’s crazy supporters, because he has so many!!!1!!!11″ realize that it’s because he just has more supporters?
Enjoy watching those election results come in.
October 11th, 2008 at 11:41 am
Even though I’m voting for McCain, I still find this hilarious.
Also, thanks to you dickwads, I now have that damn song stuck in my head. Gass- o– li - na, g, tahn tahn tahn.
Wait, scratch that. Actually the song’s not that bad (save for the fact that ANY song stuck in your head becomes annoying at some point).
October 11th, 2008 at 6:59 am
How about the 50 most insane people endorsing Obama. You can list about 500 of them real easy and whittle it down.
October 11th, 2008 at 5:11 am
As much as picking Joe “who ever heard of UK’s Parliament speeches” Biden has hurt Obama, he is still the choice. Besides, why would ANYONE give the insufferable Tina Fey a 4 year meal ticket? Don’t flame me, bro. That query has changed a couple Republican’s minds….
October 11th, 2008 at 2:20 am
“David Wong’s quietly fanatical neoconservatism more than makes up for this article.”
You didn’t hear the news? Wong’s “liberally biased” too. He doesn’t Lie For Republicanism quite enough.
October 10th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Clearly Insane Perple Endorsing Barak Hussein Obama:
Ayers, Ahmadinejahd, Wright, Ben Afflek, (Aflac!), The Democrat Party, Hollywood; Need we continue?
October 10th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
Funny stuff, indeed, Mr. Swaim. Unless the visual effects are more persuasive for your expose regarding Obama Of Nazareth, I’m voting for the nun’s tits.
NUN’S TITS ‘08!!!
October 10th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
http://www.bettie-b.de/
here’s your nun.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
Rod Parsley believes “America was founded in part with the intention of seeing this false religion destroyed”? I love how these church goons make up history lessons to justify what they want.
Maybe I should take advantage of this scam. After all, America was founded on the principles of Freedom of Religion, Freedom of Speech, and Elizabeth Hurley in my bed wearing nothing but a loose silk shirt.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I don’t think you need to worry about liberal bias here. David Wong’s quietly fanatical neoconservatism more than makes up for this article.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
“i’ve lived in nyc and sf for over 2 years each and based on my experience the left coast sucks balls…literally”
Lern2dictionary.
Also, it will be interesting to see in 2 weeks if Obama’s supporters will come across as stupid as the McCain supporters did here
October 10th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
oH SHIt….Welcome to crazy bizzaro world.
October 10th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Seriously?? reggaetron…reggaeTRON wow…i think it is reggaeton as in a spanish type word not tron like the movie this guy obviously is obsessed about cause he is a 20-30 yr old typin on a screen for our amusement
October 10th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Since Are Economy Is Not doing good right now why not buy stuff before inflation goes up?
Free Shipping and great deals.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
The KKK is endorsing John McCain?
Holy crap! That’s reason enough for me to NOT vote for him.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I’m sorry. I was willing to let the first one go, but there are some glaring (yet largely irrelevant) errors here that are driving me nuts.
1. Phnom Penh is the capital of CAMBODIA, not Vietnam.
2. It’s ReggaeTON. Not reggaetron. Which just sounds like some weird, unholy fusion of Bob Marley and DJ Mystik…. Actually, that sounds kinda cool. I think I’d be open to that.
But have you really not heard of reggaeton? Seriously? I absolutely hate it, but I at least know what it is.
3. And lastly, it’s “di di mau”. Not “mao”. Aiyiyi.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I always hated Hagee .. can we gas him with that other guy and have God tell both of them to stop being such douches? Seriously.. and why do the fucking crazy-nazi Christians always end up on TV?
My grandma used to send that fucker money every month like she was under some spell or something. Why didn’t you pay the electric bill? Must .. pay .. Hagee..
Wtf?
#1 was the best thing.. like ever.. kudos to McCain for not immediately bitch slapping the guy. Stronger man than many. haha
October 10th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
whoops.
Read the ps.
Love you cracked
=]
October 10th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Good job cracked. Way to stand up for your candidat, Obama. You really turned the tables on mccain since he was attacking obama’s associations.
Why don’t you man a list like this for Obama. Shouldn’t be too hard. You have Bill Ayers and Rev. Wright. Two psychos if I’ve ever seen any.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
WHERE IS THE NUN FROM!? Seriously dude….
October 10th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Ha Ha! Cookies on dowels.
October 10th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I think this quote is were a lot of Americans’ confusion comes from.
Quote from Quran: “Pure companions, and contentment from Allah” Virgins await those who enter paradise. 3:15
You can find more interesting quotes from the Quran at http://www.skepticsannotatedbible.com/quran/index.htm
October 10th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I was reading the comments today and got to the one left by “f*ck you” and read it twice.
What the hell is he talking about?
He seems to like McCain, yet at the same time, lacks the intelligence and literacy to properly articulate his thoughts. He says something illegible about spying on mexican nannies. Then he goes on some garbled tirade about the “left” coast and “70% dudes” and “glory holes”. Way to go to the bat for McCain there, buddy. Scew the supporters in the article, McCain needs you!
Oh and to Islamic “observer” plenty of Americans understand that the 72 virgins thing is not in the Koran or a part of Islamic belief.
Cracked was making a JOKE about Parsley being a Muslim hating idiot. Lighten up.
BTW, I agree with Zeiger and Nuckfutter. /highfive
October 10th, 2008 at 11:55 am
No, I believe Iran’s national motto is “Death to America”.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:58 am
Mcain is not the only one supported by wackos. Obama is supported by Fidel Castro, though Fidel said he would not give a formal indorsment, as that might do more harm to Obama’s campaign than good. -Vote for Bob Barr!!!
October 10th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Wrong Kodiak, names not Christopher. So you’re still a dumbass. Hey and remember to hate me well into the night, especially with all that copius amounts of donkey semen you swallow as you finish writing your next reply.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Hold on, people. We’re losing sight of the real issue here, which is that that nun has great knockers.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:29 am
By the way, do you know how the obamazis reacted to the news of Druyet “endorsing” McCain? By posting notes in their blogs saying: “McCain’s lied about his wounds!”, “McCain: friends with Viet-Cong?”, “McCain was never wounded, witness reveals”. All those are from their actual blogs. One of them even stated something along the lines of “Is this proof that McCain had been conditioned into becoming a Manchurian Candidate?” (if you’re not up to conspiracy theory bullshit, he asserted by this that McCain was made into a Viet-Cong assassin…) And he was absolutely serious when writing that.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:06 am
To you socialist retards from Saran and John. SUCK IT!
October 10th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Interesting how those who rail against the politics of the article rail against the quality of the writing. Is that not bias?
October 10th, 2008 at 5:30 am
This article is a great example of how solid a information source Cracked is for me. I never really got to hear much about who Parsley and Hagee actually were before reading this. With cited references too; journalism is far from dead.
BTW: Anyone got any sauce on the nun?
October 10th, 2008 at 5:11 am
Actually Mccain adopted a bangladeshi kid, not the same as an indian, its like saying a canadian is american.
October 10th, 2008 at 5:09 am
There is no such thing as 72 virgins in the holy Koran, what it promises are gardens with rivers and anything else a muslim desires.
The 72 virgin thing is actually a fantasy written in the hadiths, which is more of a commentary and “IS NOT THE WORD OF ALLAH”.Its not even a motivation for muslims anyway. Americans always mention this, i dont know why.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:55 am
stop being a bunch of pandering a$$holes. mccain suffered for his choices in life so you a$$whipes can suckit. you’re just a bunch of sandy vaginas with a microphone. let us not forget mccain’s wife owns an fing brewery and he adopted an indian kid. so suck it again you elitists desiring diversity but are secretly spy on your mexican nanny!
i’ve lived in nyc and sf for over 2 years each and based on my experience the left coast sucks balls…literally, the left coast is 70% dudes so who cares what they think b/c they aren’t getting close to the glory hole.
fu cracked, stop talking about politics and start talking about boobs. stop trying to show up in digg and reddit and pander to your true audience…men who want t&a. and if your editor says otherwise, lynch that mofo.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:23 am
I would just like to second Darren Zieger’s endorsement of nuckfutter’s comment.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:19 am
Calm, Troy, calm. Their time will come.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:05 am
Ofcourse, Darren Zieger would not be saying that shit once he gets off his ass and gets a job instead of sniffing his grandmas panties while living in her basement.
Darren…some people were drafted and had no choice. Maybe the military would get deserate enough to draft your fat ass and perhaps you can get a gernade up your bum? But you would probably enjoy something that hard up your keister. Hope you die, fag.
October 10th, 2008 at 3:24 am
@ nuckfutter — Amen, brother. I’ve been saying the same thing for almost as long as McCain’s been in office.
I am sick of watching Democrats preface every critical statement about McCain with “while John McCain is a true American hero and I honor his service…” It’s nauseating.
Mind you, I’m an anti-war, anti-military socialist, who doesn’t buy into this society’s idea of soldiering as some sort of higher calling; But even from my point of view, it is a sickening insult to the legions of veterans who — whether gung-ho for gunnin’ Ho or dragged there kicking and screaming — fought that miserable war on the ground, engaging actual enemy forces in actual combat, and just generally acquiring their PTSD the old-fashioned way: spending months or years of their lives in frequent or continual mortal danger, watching their friends get blown to bits, maybe leaving a limb or three behind in the jungle themselves. If they were lucky enough to come home at all.
Anyway, I mainly posted to say that I am encouraged by the fact that you haven’t been flamed to a crisp in the 5 hours since you posted…I’ll shut up now and let everyone get back to the jokes and stuff.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:34 am
“7thson Says:
After Obama gets elected this kind of shit won’t be allowed!”
meta-joke or idiot? YOU DECIDE.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:22 am
I hope Swaim chokes on a dick and dies while shitting on Troys face. This article sucked big beefy balls. Just like Troy.
October 10th, 2008 at 2:14 am
HAHA Love the batman signal in the pic with McCain & Rev. John Hagee….
October 10th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Is “reggaetron” reaggaton with the movie Tron, combined?
October 10th, 2008 at 12:48 am
[...] The 5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing McCain | Cracked.com: “The 5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing McCain” [...]
October 10th, 2008 at 12:42 am
I don’t get the people who read these articles and then bitch at the author. If you don’t like their stuff don’t read it.
That being said I enjoyed it. “The second douchiest smile ever.” Hehehe
October 10th, 2008 at 12:14 am
Oh jesus. There wil be so many deaths for you swaim haters. There is some fantastic fucking ignorance to be found in the comments section. Very entertaining = )
October 9th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
“And don’t bitch in the comments.” -ROFL. Good one, Swaim.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
“there’s nothing wrong with a faithful government.”
It’s called separation of church and state, have you heard of it?
October 9th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
“there’s nothing wrong with a faithful government.”
That’s Iran’s national motto, I think.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Parsley’s not nearly so sinister as you want to paint him. After all, it’s perfectly possible to destroy an ideology without violence, and there’s nothing wrong with a faithful government.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
No offense to conservatives, but in my opinion liberals (and perhaps libertarians too) are in general more funny.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
@ Halli - wow, compelling. Obama thinks raising taxes is a good idea during a time of slowing economic growth. Oh and he’s on the top of your ticket, not the bottom. Origins of life < basic knowledge of economics as qualifications to be VICE president. You guys nominated a lemon, so go suck on it and quit laying your hangups on everyone else.
By the way dude it’s reggaeTON not reggaetron. That sounds like a really, really bad idea for a transformer. Meh not that I care, reggaeton sucks ass anyway.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
After Obama gets elected this kind of shit won’t be allowed!
October 9th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
“Hey, remember when The Daily Show used to make fun of all parties because there’s idiocy on either side?”
And then the Republicans with half a brain got wise and switched sides, leaving most of the idiots behind on one side. Yes?
October 9th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
http://www.tokillfor.com
October 9th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
I endorse Ronald McDonald, with Madonna as VP - two greatest Americans ever.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Hey, Swaim, why was the lighting so bad in the last video. You couldn’t hardly see your face. Was it some sort of artistic decision or what?
October 9th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
I was thinking about McCain’s time as a POW today. Hear me out.
I think he deserved what happened to him in Vietnam.
Seriously.
Here’s a rich, spoiled kid who thinks he owns the world, goes to Vietnam, not to fight on the ground, but to bomb people from the air. People who have barely got enough to eat, whose idea of making it in this world involve mostly not dying of malaria or starving to death.
He was up there in his plane, safe as a babe in arms as long as his plane didn’t get shot down, sending fiery death from his privileged ass onto people whose entire life earnings couldn’t buy one pair of his shoes.
They’ve been burned, beaten, raped and killed, and suddenly they get ahold of one of the guys that’s been doing it.
What would YOU do in their case?
We seem to think it’s totally ok to torture people at Gitmo just for being the wrong color in the wrong place at the wrong time, all because we’re mad as hell about 9/11.
We lost 3,000 people. How many people did the Vietnamese lose?
Even McCain is pro-torture now. So, is he claiming that what they did was somehow worse than what we’re doing?
He went over to kill “gooks,” they shot him down, and they got their revenge.
I’m sorry, but the only way that’s not “fair” is if you think white people have some innate superiority over Asians. They were being attacked, they fought back, and they got vengeful.
Tough shit, John.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
It would be wrong to bitch about biased irrational partisanship if there were half as many articles making fun of liberals/democrats/anyone other than Christians when it comes to religion. But there isn’t, which just shows how fucking near-sighted you bastards are.
I mean, Jesus, guys, come on. You can be better than this. I hope.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Anyone who wotes for the McCain ticket is probably borderline retarded.
Sarah Palin is creationist… a friggin creationist. How retarded can you get?
October 9th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Wow, God forbid you fuckers make fun of liberals for a change. Hey, remember when The Daily Show used to make fun of all parties because there’s idiocy on either side? Probably not because you were too busy studying to fail your 8th Grade History exam. It’s amazing how one show can drive an entire generation’s political views without any even-handed critical thought. Has John McClain-McCain said/done some insipid, offensive things? Hell yes. Has Obama? Absofuckinglutely. But it’d be blasphemy to make fun of democrats, wouldn’t it? Jesus Christ, it’s like you guys are in a cluster fuck with Something Awful for who can be the most biased retards. I know it’s the Internet, but God damn.
Also, Swaim, might want to find an editor; seems you have some trouble with quotation marks that borderlines on somewhere between “woefully uneducated” and “completely fucking pathetic”. Just a suggestion, twat.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
Anybody who knocks swaim will die. Horribly.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Eddieinthecity: Mexico is in North America, to be precise. Mexico City is the largest city in North America, in fact.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
“This is the dirt you have on McCain?”
“Drat!” says the Undead Swaim Saddam, and goes back into his spider hole to concoct another fiendish plot against God’s own candidate-by-default.
“I assume that tomorrow we’ll be seeing the insane Obama supporters like Bill Ayers”
Do you guys know how obvious it is that you’re all spouting the same received bullshit talking point from the same source? Seriously, the wingnuts on this thread are dropping 10 IQ points with every successive post. Avaxpia84 is right.
At least HotDamn is entertaining:
“What? Swaim suck hot sweaty black balls?”
Racist fuckwit though he’s attempting to be, he’s actually stumbled on something here: Chocolate Salty Balls would have been a great Obama campaign song. Ahhh, missed opportunities.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
McKain rapes little babies, then eats them, then evicts them from their homes, thencalls himself a hero. And his running mate is a slut with scraped up knees.
October 9th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
Hahahahaha! This is the dirt you have on McCain? Hahahahahaha this is too funny. Maybe try an article on Obama next time
October 9th, 2008 at 9:39 pm
“How could HE beat a man…”
HE. Uh.. excuse that.
October 9th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
I never heard that before, about Than-Thong-Toing Whatever trying to play buddy-buddy with McCain. I think of all of them, that guy’s the most insane of all.
How could beat a man until he’s crippled for life, then pop up 40 years later for a huggy-wuggy? Fuck that guy! Your skull-cracker suggestion would’ve been awesome to see in that situation. SPROING! Like a malfunctioning slot machine, and the prize is a cup of teeth.
October 9th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
In regards to #4.Daddy Yankee, he happens to be a sad misrepresentation of the Hispanic culture, and is just like the rest of the ‘mainstream’ rappers out there talking about the same things over and over again, though not necessarily in the same order. They include ’sex, girls, money, drugs’, rinse wash repeat. I happen to listen to reggaeton myself, but not so much the mainstream. Just an fyi for those who haven’t heard of it before, or have only heard the negative dirty/disgusting stuff that pour out. Reggaeton is yes most of the time rapping in Spanish, however there are some nice songs out there. It’s the beat (that is often repeated) differentiates it from other music.
Anyway as others pointed out, it is a bit funny that Daddy Yankee can support/promote McCain all he wants, but he can’t vote for him.
October 9th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
You forgot the most crucial detail about Daddy Yankee’s support for McCain is that he CAN’T VOTE FOR HIM. Like all actual P.R. resident Puertorricans he does not have a presidential vote (because we’re not a colony…Congress said so). So he can endorse McCain till he’s blue in the face, he just can’t vote for him.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Know what I would like to see? A pro-McCain comment instead of an anti-Obama one. Know why? Because right now, all I’m getting is “Hey, the other guy’s a douche. Vote for our guy, because he has a different name.”
October 9th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
DopeBatman:
When that happens, and it will, you deserve a shout out my friend.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Yay Nimby!
October 9th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
dave: Shut up and at least wait for the actual “Crazy Obama Supporters” article so that all we have to read from you is “I TOLD YOU OMG OMABA EVIL LOL”.
There are a lot of batshit insane people who support candidates just because of their own crazy views–clearly, McCain’s torturer endorsing him doesn’t mean McCain shares his views on ANYTHING. So you can’t make that argument for Obama, either. Stop being so reactionary and just spewing whatever you hear from your favorite pundit and actually pay attention. At least back up your viewpoints with actual reasoned arguments. To do so otherwise is an insult to your country.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Dear Cracked,
As much as it pains me to say this, please shut off the comments for political articles. This coming from a man who spent numerous posts calling a McCain supporter a child rapist.
Love,
Avapxia84
PS. Another one out of the park Swaim, well done.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
No Ted Nugent? Is he too easy to pick on or something?
October 9th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
What? Swaim suck hot sweaty black balls? Oh that just makes sense now as to why Swaim is pro-Obama.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Lame. I thought the article was supposed to be funny? Swaim sucks balls.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
30 rock sucks. Who watches that crap? Everything on NBC sucks ass and Alec Baldwin’s a fat ass
October 9th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
“SPECIAL NOTE: Tune in to this space in two weeks for EQUAL TIME: 5 Obama Supporters He’d Rather Not Have! And don’t bitch in the comments.”
And when that time comes, people will comment that there should be an article like this, but about McCain supporters.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
Slight correction:
It was commonly called the “Hanoi Hilton” not the “Hanoi Hotel.”
October 9th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
so I see SOMEONE has been browsing 7chan recently
also I wonder what Iscariot Section XIII would have to say to John Hagee?
October 9th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Just not funny, especially #1 and the tennis elbow photo caption.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
“SPECIAL NOTE: Tune in to this space in two weeks for EQUAL TIME: 5 Obama Supporters He’d Rather Not Have! And don’t bitch in the comments.”
durr
October 9th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I assume that tomorrow we’ll be seeing the insane Obama supporters like Bill Ayers - admitted bomber who advocates overthrow of the US government. How about Bernadine Dohrn - another member of the Weather Underground. Perhaps we could include the entire nation of Saudia Arabia whose bank (owned by the king) has contributed almost half of Obama’s 500 million dollar war chest. Let’s not forget is own crazy wife, his anti-semitic “man of God” Jeremiah Wright, and the Nation of Islam’s Louis Farrakhan. We could also choose from any of brainiacs in Hollywood. Paris Hilton for starters.
It’s amazing to me that anyone would vote for this empty suit who has never done anything to qualify himself for the job and who has spent his 3 years in the Senate running for President and running from any vote that can be tied to him. Let’s not forget that when he did vote, four times he chose to let survivors of abortion not be nourished and left to die since the mother didn’t want the child in the first place.
It’s unbelievable that the MSM will report for weeks over a Republican doing something as inane as mispronouncing a word but will completely ignore Obama’s record and lack of experience just because they are the Deciders.
If this guy wins, at least he’ll set the Democratic Party back far enough to never get another president for several decades.
Idiot: anyone who votes for Obama.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
Oh, Daddy Yankee.
I don’t think anyone would seriously hear that and say “WOW, I’M TOTALLY VOTING FOR MCCAIN NOW.”
October 9th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
You think McCain has insane supporters?
Check out Obama’s. You could get a month’s worth of articles out of that bunch.
October 9th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
You Americans are funny!
October 9th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
What’s wrong with being a bit biased? If the funny sticks, go ahead and hurl it.
October 9th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
The theory that Hitler was doing god’s work is not uncommon to Christians. I visited a friend of mine’s church because they were trying to show me god once. And his pastor said the same thing. That God was punishing the Jew’s for not going back to Israel. So that’s not just one Christian, it’s a lot of them. I would assume at least. Needless to say I never went back to that Church.
October 9th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
[...] Read the rest of article. [...]
October 9th, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Is it just me or does the KKK rep sound a little bit like Carl from Slingblade? Now I’m not suggesting that Billy Bob Thornton is a Klan member, I am however suggesting that “Carl” is.
October 9th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
i love how some conservatives get in such a hissy fit over anything short of shitting out insane lies about democrats
not that i like liberals much either on general
but conservative republicans are the worst
October 9th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
Green KKK Guy: “Guys, you TOLD me that we’d all be in green today.”
White KKK Guy: “Yeah, Reggie, WITH our normal white outfits. God, you’re such a show off. And in front of my kid, too!”
October 9th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I know a lot of people are complaining and wanting to know,”Where is the list for Obama”, but in fairness, it’s too easy to come up with that list. You wouldn’t even have to go outside the cast of 30 Rock for that.
October 9th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
“what’s the presidency if not a glorified drive thru window? You take the orders of America, misinterpret them due to a broken and convoluted communications system, then give them what you thought they wanted and charge them for it anyway.”
this is my new favorite quote.
October 9th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I am Puerto Rican and I hate Daddy Yankee. He is an embarrassment for all Puerto Rico. And McCain isn’t helping either. God the shame. The SHAME.
October 9th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
LOL, anyone willing to endorse that moron McBush is clearly insane. Everything lately out of McBushes mouth is either made up as he goes along or is just an outright LIE. Who can support that?
Jiff
http://www.privacy.de.tc
October 9th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
no doubt tomorrow, you will post “The 5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing that other Idiot”
October 9th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
McCain lost full use of his arms when ejecting from his plane, not from being tortured (Although that certainly couldn’t have helped).
October 9th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
That was pretty funny. I’m supporting Obama as the lesser of two evils, but I’m looking forward to seeing his list of lunatics (as promised in the special note. Which you didn’t format enough. Should have been bold. Maybe blinking. Maybe you should have made the comments CAPTCHA ask “have you read the special note?” and display just in case…). Every politician gets lunatics on their side, no matter how sane the politician himself is…
October 9th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Write one about obama next time.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I’d say that this video pretty much sums up McCain’s campaign:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjomYMe6t_U
October 9th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
I would just like to say that yesterday in Spanish class we listened to La Gasolina. The fact that it’s about cum and my Spanish teacher loves that song just made my day.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Come on guys, if I had known the GREATEST rapper in the world, Daddy Yankee, was endorsing McCain, I would have supported him ages ago. That’s that kind of caliber of individual we need supporting potential candidates for president - and also don’t forget Chuck Norris.
Evan
http://www.beyondrace.com
October 9th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Can we add a #6 to that list? Spencer “Douchebag” Pratt and Heidi “Horseface McSlut” Montag from The Hills.
If they ever endorsed me for anything, I’m pretty sure I would kill myself out of pure, unadulterated disgust.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
“…” - McCain. In response to a hug by his former torturee.
that is effing hillarious. keep it up!! the writing i mean, not hugging old torture victims and endorsing them…
October 9th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Hilarious! Michael Swaim is hot.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
# Eric Says:
October 9th, 2008 at 8:06 am
What movie is the picture of the nun from?
_
He’s right.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
my spanish teacher uses that gasolina song as a teaching aid.
never knew it was about jizz.
fancy that.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
Vladimir Putin reads WingNutDaily? You learn something new every day.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
I’m voting for whoever the nun with the big titties is voting for.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
The thing I love most about the Cracked comments is that I will read one that makes me laugh out loud and scream, “That was fucking HILARIOUS!” and then I think, “Wait. Shit. Was that guy serious?”
Like the people who get all angry about conservative bias on a comedy website. Or the guy that used the word jigaboo (classy).
As for the article itself, my favorites were the drive thru metaphor and Swaim’s definition of “charismatic.”
Also, Tits the Nun was my High School nickname. Long story.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
i believe the dot indians racial slur is “punjabi” and the american indian is “injun”
that takes balls for a former torurer to try and be friends with a person he crippled.
October 9th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Nice list, Swaim. I like your writing more and more every time I read it. Looking forward to the Obama version.
Also, I think it’s time to limit comments from individual user accounts to two. One to make an ass of yourself, and one to defend yourself when people call you out. After that, you’re done. Just a thought.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
I remember NPR doing a story on Daddy Yankee’s endorsment for John McCain. Even then, sitting in rush hour trafic, I was thinking that was pretty fucked up. Thank you Sir Swaim for helping get the word out.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
How about the Top 5 Criminals Endorsing Obama? Starting with Ayers, then Rezko, then… ooops, I forgot, it’s pointless - they all do. So much so that the obamautons are already trying to introduce laws allowing convicted felons to vote. 12% more votes guaranteed!
October 9th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
I could of sworn Mexico is in Central America
October 9th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
this is hilarious
October 9th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Ya you Brits are lucky you only have to deal with goddamn Injuns. We have those smelly blacks, Mexicans, Mexicans from South America, Jews, Chinese, gays, and intolerant racists to deal with in America.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Its not like we are the only racist country. I have been living in the UK near London for like 2 years and have heard some very nasty things said about the Indian immigrants here. I guess a lot of the British talk about them like rednecks talk about Mexicans and blacks.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Christopher Abner go kill yourself, seriously. But before you do, learn what a typo is.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
“Erinthebitch Says:
October 9th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Wow, I had no idea the kkk is still operating in the US. Your country is fucked.”
Yes they still exist. They’ve been around for so long and yet they still persist on spreading their joy in states no one lives in. Great progression kkk.
Too many republicans read cracked
October 9th, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Say what you will against McCain - and I’ll say a lot - but I quite admire the fact that unlike every other public figure in the USA he hasn’t bleached his teeth until it hurts to look at them.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Just so you know, thers a world of difference between rap and reggaeton, Daddy yankee is not nearly a gangsta rapper, and is , in fact, hated to the bone by 70% of latins, including myself
October 9th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
the last guy in the video, in front of the flag smiling. i’m damn sure thats my dad.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Liz -
We keep repeating the Vietnam war?!? I missed the part where we went back in. Liberal textbooks and all, they must have glossed over Vietnam 2, 3, and 4. Thanks for enlightening us though.
And burritos.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
The only ones on this list that McCain should dissociate himself with are that Puerto Rican guy and the Vietcong dude. The rest are white guys. And if McCain doesn’t embrace white guys, he’s pretty much screwed. Also, can you please do an article making fun of Bob Barr so my candidate gets equally bashed. This site has such a Republican/Democratic bias.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
It’s only with hindsight we realise that both Vietnam and Burritos are a bad idea.
But we’ll keep going back to what we know.
Crafty Mexicans.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Liz, do know what else repeats?
Burritos.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
This was actually pretty funny. I will be voting for McCain this year, but still get a laugh out of all the jokes about him. If you people can’t understand that this is a comedy site, go find some super serious political site to post your comments.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
If no one ever admits the Vietnam war was a mistake, we’re going to keep repeating it.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
http://www.theweeklydonut.com/index.php/2008/10/06/you-betcha/
October 9th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
When there are only two choices, of course people from all walks will endorse both of them. The candidates will get endorsements from a lot of whack job weirdoes. But it’s scary seeing them at the top as advisors. Thanks for this article we hear a lot about Obama’s affiliation with Jeremiah Wright, the Weathermen, and endorsements from the Nation of Islam but we don’t get to hear who is on the other side of the fence propping up the other guy. Also…is anyone else’s H scroll broken? This text box is over two feet long with a resolution of 1440 x 400! It will not fix itself.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I hate Peurto Ricans.
Just kidding.
I only hate you, Christopher Abner.
Also, open, seething, unbridled hatred for John McCain is not “liberal bias”, but merely a natural emotion and a rational reaction to his actions.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
tits the nun for president indeed.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
“And what’s the presidency if not a glorified drive thru window? You take the orders of America, misinterpret them due to a broken and convoluted communications system, then give them what you thought they wanted and charge them for it anyway.”
quote of the day, man… that’s awesome.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
so wait. Promus. really? daddy yankee in an urban culture? really? hahaha. you sir, need to go to an urban culture. haha. daddy yankee. im almost certain that you would be shot for listening to that in an urban culture. i dont know tho. my parents dont have an SUV with a GPS to break down on me. and apparently its NOT as scary as it seems. i mean, its daddy yankee. hahaha. lame you are. and the only reason i kept on reading the comments is cause i really want to know where that nun is from too. i mean, damn.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
“When he awakes, seventy-two hijab-draped virgins emerge from the mist, informing the pastor that Allah would “like to have some words with him.” The ensuing freak-out is streamed live to the Internet via the McCain campaign website.”
Classy.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Michael Swaim, I had difficulty reading the #5 entry. There was a picture there that kept my eyes from staying too long on the page. It’s a pic I can’t mention while a woman is standing behind me.
Hi Kathi.
Bye Kathi.
It was tits. The tits kept attracting my attention.
What’s wrong with Daddy Yankee’s hair? Is that cool?
In summation: vote Tits the Nun for president in ‘08!
October 9th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Just because McCain is republican, it doesn’t make him conservative. Most of his ideas are just as liberal as Obama. It kind of takes the fun out of choosing sides during this years election. Most of the die-hard republicans that I talk to are voting for McCain because of Palin anyway. . .
October 9th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
I’d read that most racial supremacist groups (Aryan Nation/KKK especially) were supporting Obama because they thought it would spark the race war.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I’m amazed people still complain about a liberal bias on Cracked. It’s obvious most of the staff here is liberal. They’ve all done articles targeting McCain at some point, or made jabs in the live blogging during the debates. Comedy is always going to reflect the views of its writer, be it liberal, conservative, or apolitical. If you can’t deal with a liberal making jabs at a conservative then don’t read an article that was obviously intended as such. It was pretty obvious that’s what this was going to be given the title. Get over it already.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
chris abner? yours in christ and buddah? I think your understanding of both religions are fundementaly flawed. One cant be a christian and a budist at the same time. But what ever, thanks for the laugh.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
wow. you guys are idiots. this is a comedy website for a reason and theyre not trying to get us to vote either way. it was a great article. who the hell cares if they post one for obama or not, its once again a COMEDY website. what are you guys even doing here?
you’re a comedic genius, swaim.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
This article really does suck…Sorry, but it’s poorly written and the jokes are heavy handed and obvious…I was glad to get back to work after reading this garbage.
October 9th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I am a teacher at the school where McCain came with Daddy Yankee. We (the staff and the students) were all disappointed because we were told that McCain would answer questions, but instead he said only a few words then let Daddy Yankee kiss a bunch of girls.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:56 am
I don’t like Daddy Yankee and all things reggaetron. I went to college in PR, I was one of the very few metal- heads down there, so I totally see how funny it is that Mr. Yankee is trying to appear as if anything he says as far as politics will be relevant this November.
Now I say this, even though you praised him for the whole…
“he’s got “Yankee” right in his name, which can’t hurt either.”
Mr. Michael Swaim apparently can’t spell Puerto Rican…
“After all, Daddy Yankee’s been vocally in favor of McCain. He’s Peurto Rican”
So Michael, honey, sweetheart, love of my life…
We’re called Puerto Ricans, not Peurto Rican ya dumbass.
Yours in Christ and Buddha,
Cris Van Abner…I shall now go celebrate a parade somewhere and collect some tax free stuff.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:56 am
What, no Wilford Brimley?
October 9th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I am going to bet that the kkk endorsement vid is fake. Even if its not, are you suprised that the KKK support the white guy?
October 9th, 2008 at 11:48 am
1. The rapping grandma in the wedding singer was ballin’. Shame on you Swaim.
2. Did someone seriously use the word jigaboo in a comment. WTF?
3. I find it baffling that limited to knowledge of reggaeton meant I was a culturally unaware idiot. I was always under the impression that the gasolina song was a big hit with the orange tanned, GPS having, SUV driving crowd. Perhaps my (and others) limited knowledge of reggaeton is borne, not of my white skin, but of my predilections for not listening to music that makes me want to puncture my ear drum.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Go back to 4chan BroccoliRage.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:41 am
What exactly is the “Islamic Nation”?
October 9th, 2008 at 11:40 am
American Viewers have their mind on sex. It has become a question of the better bed partner. Obama or McCain? Its not what you say but the way that you say it—youth always says it better. Obama will slip and slide into the #1 bedroom. Call it a landslide if you want to be discreet.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I’ve been a semi-supporter of McCain for a while, mainly cause of the abortion issue. Sarah Palin’s hotness definitely made me a bigger supporter. Now that Daddy Yankee is backing him my vote is locked in.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:39 am
You forgot to mention he’s got the support of Sarah Palin, that’s the real millstone around his turkey wattle neck.
Ha ha, he’s old.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:35 am
CavalierX: I know, right? Totally.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:34 am
(Oh and yes, this list is funny. Actually some of the better political humour I’ve seen on Cracked.)
October 9th, 2008 at 11:34 am
Holy cow, BobDobolina, you sound like an Islamofascist commie terrorist sonofabitch.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Uhhh….what is exactly is the “Islamic Nation”?
October 9th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Kids, kids, kids. The well-established wingnut rule is that any political humour that takes place anywhere, at any time, must always be at the expense of The Left (defined in this ruling as “anyone who isn’t currently supporting the Republican talking points I got from my WorldNetDaily listserv”). If even mild humour takes place at the expense of a Republican, it must be “fairly” “balanced” by a string of batshit insane lies about his opponent. If this rule is not followed, you are an Islamofascist commie terrorist sonofabitch. Those are the rules!
October 9th, 2008 at 11:20 am
hmmm.. i missed the caveat. I take back my whining.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Cracked….
STOP ATTEMPTING POLITICAL HUMOR.
This list is full of fail.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I dislike you and your opinions, and etc.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:18 am
I missed that disclaimer the first time around, I withdraw my later bitchy oBama supporter comments shamefully.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:18 am
Hey where is Bill Ayers in all of this? Or pastor Wright? Oh snap! I forgot the Conservitave bashing agenda you dweebs have for Obama.
If that werent the case, then where’s the ‘5 Most Clearly Insane Public Figures Endorsing Obama?’ You wont find it here.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am
I think somepeople missed the disclaimer regarding the disclaimer at the begining informing the right that the left would be the subject in two weeks.
So calm down and change your pants, James.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Your a fucking tool, Michael Swaim. I hope you fucking die.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Jesus H. Christ I cannot FUCKING wait until this goddam election is over with. I have voted in every election in the past 20 years, and this is actually the first time that I actually don’t like either candidate. In less than one month, we will know. And frankly, I don’t give a shit who wins because at least Bush will finally be done and perhaps this country can feel a little relief. Either way, whoever wins has a huge job ahead of them because this country is in a spiraling shitstorm and needs change quick. But it will probably be the same-old, same-old rhetoric to get in office, only to completely destroy whatever it is we have left to ruin. Oh and thanks Cracked.. I came here today to laugh at some funny shit and get bombarded with this crap. I think I’ll go kick the neighbor’s dog.
October 9th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Yeah, I want the name of the nun-picture movie too. She has a very nice nose.
October 9th, 2008 at 10:46 am
@ Erinthebitch: You’re gonna find racist fucks no matter where in the world you go, just because some of them don’t wear uniforms doesn’t mean they aren’t there.