The 5 Most Baffling Christmas-Related Crimes Ever

#2. Man Puts Four Kids in the Trunk to Take Them to a Christmas Parade


If there's one thing that I really hoped we would never have to add to beginners' driving courses, it would be "Don't put children in the trunk of your car." From a common-sense standpoint, I'd rank it right up there with "Don't take naps while driving" and "Don't see how many pedestrians you can ramp." But evidently, we're going to have to, because here's a very real story about a guy who borrowed his grandfather's Crown Victoria, put tags on it that were stolen from a PT Cruiser, filled the main part of the car with people, stuffed four kids into the trunk, got behind the wheel without a license and drove them all to their town's Christmas parade.

Now, I'll give him this: He claims that the kids wanted to ride back there, and I actually believe him. My kids have asked me the same thing, and I asked my mom and dad when I was a kid. I understand that not everyone does that, but you have to understand that my family are all pretty fucked up people with odd senses of humor. The point is, I've seen kids ask if they could do it, so I know it's a thing. However, in all of our cases -- even the ones from my own parents, who were full-on abusive -- we understood the basic rule that if you have kids in your trunk and someone finds out, they will think you are a goddamn fucking psycho who stuffed his kids into the trunk and scared them into lying to the police about whose idea it was. So we never actually did it, because as insane as we all are, we're not that fucking crazy.

"No, the manual doesn't say that she can't ride under the hood, and there's room by the battery. Should be fine, right?"

According to him, though, we're blowing it way out of proportion. Because, obviously, that guy understands priorities.

#1. Man Gets Arrested for Telling Kids That Santa Isn't Real


I can't even begin to tell you how much I love a story about someone getting arrested for being a blatant dick. It's one of my favorite things in the world. Like that problem kid a few years back who got arrested for opening one of his Christmas presents early. Or the guy who was about to be let go from a minor traffic stop, completely free of even a warning, until he pissed on the police car (and got the whole thing caught on video).

But not even the woman who demanded $300,000 from 911 before she would pull her car over or the kid who got arrested for Twitter trolling an Olympic diver about his dead father compares to the absolute douche who tried to ruin Christmas for every kid within earshot.

You just expect a guy like this to whip out his dick at any moment, all the time.

Kingston, Ontario, has a Santa Claus parade every November, and the one this year was interrupted by a waste of semen who got drunk, "slicked his hair back with gel into the shape of devil horns" and announced to every kid he could reach that Santa doesn't exist. One of the awesome people in the crowd called the police, and the guy was arrested for causing a disturbance. But just in case that wasn't enough of a "Fuck you, too, buddy," they tacked on public intoxication and (as an added stocking stuffer for all you karma lovers) violating his probation.

Look, I understand that people aren't perfect, and that when December rolls around, people have a tendency to just lose their minds. I also understand that some of this stuff, while it's easy to make fun of (and quite frankly, pretty damn funny to me), can be pretty depressing. But there is an absolute, surefire way to help curb the problem: Keep your goddamn cool and don't act like a fucking idiot this holiday season. And for the love of God, if you find yourself in a dark place in life and things start feeling chaotic, please, please, please stop -- take a breath, put down the snakes and walk away. At that point, the best Christmas gift you can give is simply being here and being sane. I promise you that if your friends and family don't have legitimate mental problems, they won't think less of you because you were unable to fulfill their snake wishes this year.

John has a Twitter and a Facebook fan page where he sometimes blah blah whatever.

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