Nothing makes sense in Hollywood. Sometimes someone's career is trucking along nicely and then suddenly takes a wild and unexplainable turn. And I'm not just talking about people whose careers take an abrupt twist turn because of financial woes. Nicolas Cage, for example. It might seem like his career has taken a strange path, but nothing about Cage's career is confusing to me, because he's notoriously irresponsible with his money. He'll balance normal, standard movies, with completely bizarre and forgettable movies, (Wicker Man, or one of the three movies he made last year where he fights numbers), because a) he needs the work since he spent all of his money on castles and Elvis's old clothing and b) he's full-on crazy. That's fine. I support and understand you, Nicolas Cage.
And I'm also not talking about actors or directors who continue to get work even though I personally think they're bad, or because their particular styles don't appeal to me. Keanu Reeves keeps getting acting work even though he's made of porcelain and marbles, (for the eyes), because women find his featureless face and sexual androgyny to be oddly attractive. Tyler Perry keeps making Tyler Perry movies because millions of people watch every single one of them. I get that, even if I don't get that. I'm talking about actors and directors whose careers were trucking along smoothly until one day, something... broke.
"I am Brett Ratner. I directed all of the Rush Hour movies, directed the shit out of them. I am in-fucking-vincible!"
Has no one told you you're just lucky to be here?
I should back up.
For many years, I didn't know anything about Brett Ratner. He was a director that made several movies that, combined, left absolutely no impact on me, (except one you-ruined-the-trilogy shaped impact on my heart right after he made X-Men: The Last Stand). I knew who he was, and I was familiar with most of his movies, and I knew that he looked like a hairy meatball that wanted to convince other meatballs that it was super suave, or I guess, I don't know, the direct link between humans and teddy bear hamsters.
But I still never gave him much thought.
Lately, though, between doing press for Tower Heist and research for the How I Ruined My Career memoir I imagine he must be planning on writing one day, Ratner's been all over the news. I first noticed him when he talked openly in an interview about "banging Olivia Munn" and then promptly forgetting her. He later went on the Howard Stern show and apologized, claiming that he in fact did NOT have sex with Olivia Munn after all, which, yeah, man, obviously, we know.
Shortly thereafter this ridiculous and embarrassing episode, during a Q&A for his movie, when asked about rehearsals for his actors, Ratner said "Rehearsal is for fags."
This is dumb for a lot of reasons. It's insensitive, chiefly, but beyond that, I marvel at how stupid it is. Knowing how Hollywood and the media like to latch onto stupid things that celebrities do and blow them up, it's idiotic that he decided to use a slur while being interviewed in front of cameras and microphones. Also? It's such an absurd thing to take a stand on. You hate rehearsing? Rehearsing's "for fags?" What kind of human gets so incensed by the idea of rehearsals that he'll so thoroughly let his guard down in front of the press while he's out trying to convince people he's made a movie that they'll enjoy? It's not like anyone asked a question that was insulting or particularly incendiary that would cause Ratner to lose his cool and say something dumb. They asked him about the concept of rehearsals.
"Did you just ask me if I have rehearsals? To my FACE? I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!"
He had a fine career, and now it's like he's actively trying to destroy it. Every interview that he does now is a mixture of arrogant boasts about his lavish, sex-filled party lifestyle, and strange, misguided attempts to get professional respect as an "artist." In a profile he recently did for the New York Times, Brett Ratner, bragged about his close friendship with director-turned-accused-statutory-rapist Roman Polanski in interviews.
I'd like to talk to just Brett Ratner for a minute, if I may. Brett Ratner, the guy who used to direct action comedies and now has a career as a living episode of Entourage, somehow. That guy.
Brett, you talked yourself into a spot at NYU despite being a C-student. And then you somehow convinced enough people to give you enough money to film Chris Tucker screaming and Jackie Chan punching for ninety minutes-- three times-- and you somehow made over $800 million at the box office doing it. You then somehow convinced Eddie Murphy to make movies again, and then somehow got hired to produce the Academy Awards, and then somehow convinced Eddie Murphy to host them, (they've since both stepped down). You ruined the X-Men franchise and insulted Olivia Munn and an army of nerds didn't murder you for it.
Don't. Touch. Anything.
I have no idea how you managed all of those things despite a total lack of abilities and class, but you managed it. Now that you're in this position of inexplicable power, for Christ's sake, don't do anything, you'll only ruin it. If you would have just left everything alone, you'd still be rich, you'd still be famous, and models would still sleep with you. As a schlubby kid from nowhere who's somehow become rich and famous, you should just be quietly thankful that you get to have a job, not bragging about all of the pedophiles you know.
Man, I shouldn't be the one who has to teach you that lesson.
4Sir Ben Kingsley
Once a man does a live-action Thunderbirds movie, I no longer understand how to get inside his head.
The simplest and most effective way I can highlight how strange Sir Ben Kingsley is is by straight-up listing some of the movies he's done in chronological order:
Schindler's List- Itzhak Stern;
Twelfth Night- Feste;
Crime and Punishment- Porfiry;
House of Sand and Fog- Behrani;
Thunderbirds- The Hood;
Uwe Boll's BloodRayne- Kagan;
Prince of Persia- Angry Bad Guy;
The Love Guru- Guru Tugginmypudha;
His IMDB page reads like he's punishing me for something but he won't tell me what it is. Does he need money? Like... a lot of money? It seems like something snapped deep inside of his brain sometime after The House of Sand and Fog and no one knows how to tell him to seek help because we already knighted him, (which I think means he's above the law?).