#2. Eddie Murphy
"No one sees me. No one. No one can see the bad movies I do, because this whole world is just my imagination. It's okay to do whatever I want because I'm not actually real."
We can see you, and we're all really quite sad about it.
If you're one of Cracked's younger readers and you only know Murphy from Shrek, or even the Nutty Professor movies, please stop reading right now and watch Trading Places, Raw, or almost anything Murphy did on Saturday Night Live. And then you'll understand why the rest of us took Norbit so personally.
Here is a trailer for Murphy's latest movie. It's called A Thousand Words, and it's about a flashy, fast-talking, executive-type who doesn't have a problem lying to get what he wants, (kind of like Jim Carey in Liar Liar). After we establish him as a fast-talking liar, he gets hit with a magic spell that forces him to stop lying, (kind of like in Liar Liar). Apparently, he will die if he says one thousand more words out loud, so he has to spend the rest of the movie not talking. He will, I imagine, learn some profound lesson about himself by the end of the movie, (kind of like in Liar Liar). Here's what I said out loud in my office when I watched this trailer:
"You could have made absolutely any movie you'd wanted."
And that's true. We still all love him. Because even though he's churned out a lot of terrible movies lately, the strength of his early stuff alone has yielded so much good will for Murphy that we, his audience, are willing to forgive almost anything, because we want-- we desperately want-- Eddie Murphy to go back to making awesome comedies. He's a big enough star that he can get his hands on any script in Hollywood and, if he doesn't like any of the scripts available, he can hire the best comedy screenwriters in the world to write something specifically for him. There's no way he's short on money, right? Even if he was, with the exception of the Shrek movies, his other films of the last ten years have been failures, commercially speaking. And he must know what great comedy is because, shit, you guys, Raw.
So, if he can potentially make the greatest comedy of the year right this very second, why the hell would he choose to make this magic-tree-having, Liar Liar-looking, piece-of-crap movie? Why?
Don't give me that look you bastard I trusted you!
#1. Nicolas Cage
"Cage! Caaaaaaage! Blargle blargle blarge, Nicolas Caaaaage!"
I lied before when I said I understood Nicolas Cage's brain, I am not even close to understanding this guy's motives, but I am loving the ride.