There are three universal truths in life:
1.) If you want a bus to come, light a cigarette
2.) If you say something on the Internet, somebody will question your sexuality
3.) Jungle cats are fucking metal
Tigers, lions, jaguars, cheetahs? Metal, metal, metal–and let me check the Worthington’s Guide to Things That are Metal here–yep, metal. Here’s the proof:
That picture above is of Askold Zapashny of the Zapashny Brothers Circus in St. Petersburg. It is also a picture of a man riding the single most metal thing a man can ride–short of “the lightning” or a rocket-ship shaped like a guitar–a big damn lion. That is the only vehicle in the world that is certified Grade A, Ronnie James Dio Approved.
“Actually, I said ‘ride the tiger’–but fuck it. Dio approved!”
It matters little that Askold is dressed like a dominatrix at a renaissance faire up there, or that he has a ponytail so effeminate it took first place in a vagina contest, because this man has not only made a Superpredator his primary mode of transportation, but has even gone so far as to jump said lion-vehicle with reckless abandon like it’s a carnivorous General Lee. You try stepping to Askold at a stoplight with your custom chrome-skull embossed chopper, and you might win the race–but only one of your vehicles can eat his opponent for fuel.
Advantage: Lion.
A boy in India was recently wed to his neighbor’s dog, under the assumption that it would prevent him from being eaten by tigers. This is all because the boy grew an abnormal tooth on his upper gum and in his village abnormal tooth growths are taken as a sign of poor orthodontic health, and all of their dentists just happen to be deadly, deadly tigers.
Well, that’s not exactly true, but it makes about as much sense as their actual reasoning: Extra teeth are simply a bad omen that makes one more prone to tiger attacks. This village’s tribal god apparently really digs on beastiality, and a surefire way to ensure his blessing is to marry an animal. Luckily the marriage is not recognized by law, so the boy will not have to file for divorce in order to take a human wife–which is good, because the alternative would have been the saddest thing in the world:
Puppy divorce.
“Sometimes I forget that I don’t wear the ring anymore. Sometimes I forget…”
Metal is about being a badass, being terrifying and being sexually perverted to a degree that would frighten Alfred Kinsey into a convent. I’m pretty sure that an entire village so terrified of the threat of tigers that they married a child to a dog covers all of those bases nicely.
Advantage: Tigers.
Mr. Nordin Montong, a daytime janitor at the Singapore Zoo, was drowning in the frozen waters of loneliness and depression and saw only one to end the suffering: suicide. Some unfortunate souls use pills, some opt for the razor, while still others consider a tall building as the most effective method. Montong, presumably because he was raised by Motorhead videos, decided that the most dignified way to end his suffering was to feed himself to a pack of tigers instead.
Witnesses report that Montong was in the grips of a mysterious raging fit the fateful day of his death, and was seen storming about the zoo on his bicycle, throwing things and swearing at the tourists. Eventually he leapt a fence and dropped nearly 20 feet to the floor of the tiger enclosure, waded across the moat and began antagonizing the great cats with his broom. After they were good and infuriated, Montong laid down the broom, put his janitorial pail over his head, sat down on the ground and let the tigers maul him to death. See that? Even guys that are actively feeding themselves to tigers aren’t hardcore enough to watch somebody get eaten by tigers.
“I would enjoy for that to eat me.”–Metal
Advantage: Tigers.
Caught alone in the Wyoming wilderness, Mr. Dustin Britton, a 32-year-old ex-marine from Colorado, found himself faced with possibly the most intimidating thing on the continent: a starving mountain lion. Practically helpless before the potential onslaught of the most weaponized animal in all of nature, Britton was armed only with his wits and a chainsaw. Which is… actually pretty good armament, come to think of it.
Britton reports that the lion lunged at him full force, impacting him in mid-air at the shoulder, and he had no choice but to swing the chainsaw into the attacking beast.
If the story ended there, that’s certainly fucking metal, but not necessarily in the cat’s favor. Rather than turning tail and running before one of the largest predators in the nation, a lone Marine, miles from civilization and any possible help, decided “Fuck it: Chainsaw.” Sorry, lions. That’s…
Advantage: Marine.
Oh, but it does not end there: Not only did a full force mid-air chainsaw blow fail to kill the lion, it barely phased it. They found the lion several days later, with only a six inch gash on its shoulder to attest to its epic battle . In Britton’s own words: “You would think if you hit an animal with a chainsaw it would dig right in. I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick.”
There you go: Lions are essentially fucking chainsaw proof.
Warning: Ineffective against lions.
Advantage: Lion.
That is exactly what it looks like: A jungle cat riding shotgun in a motorcycle racing up the walls of a dome of death. It’s not like there’s a reasonable explanation for this picture–it’s not taken from comic book or an Iron Maiden album cover–it’s actually a real thing. Somebody back in the 1920s thought to themselves, “I find the world lacking in badass, and this trend perturbs me. I will place this enormous predator in an exceedingly fast motor-vehicle and fling it about an enclosed pit with reckless abandon, and the people will pay me for it because I am dangerously insane and may turn on them if not humored in this endeavor. ” And this was the birth of–I shit you not–The Lion Drome!
This photo was most likely taken at the first and most famous of the Lion Dromes (that’s right, the 20s were so fucking hardcore that the term “Lion Drome” needed a plural) which was called Fearless Eggbert’s Lion Drome. Now, with a name like Eggbert, you have little choice but to grow up “fearless,” as your childhood was likely a never-ending orgy of swirlies and atomic wedgies (or whatever they called them in the roaring 20s. Steam-wedgies?) But it could be argued that Eggbert took the “fearless” moniker just a bit too far; it’s one thing to put on a daredevil show, but it’s quite another to host what appears to be princess Leia racing a motorcycle through the Thunderdome while the King of All Beasts navigates.
That’s not fearless; that’s surrealistic insanity. That’s not a circus act; that’s a hallucination that puts you off acid for good.
But you know what the most unsettling aspect of this picture is? It’s not the gravity-defying superpredator, nor is it the steam-spouting ramshackle go-kart that appears about to explode. No, it’s this guy:
This guy is actually unimpressed. He’s… he’s fucking bored! What life must you live to find this hybrid of tooth, steel and speed so tedious that you’re practically falling asleep inside the Motor-lion Pit?
“HOLY SHIT I AM A LION AND I AM ALMOST LEARNING TO DRIVE A CAR.”
“Hmm. Forgive my apathy, you see, I’ve just finished racing an ape about the world in a hot air balloon.”
“BUT I AM THE KING OF THE JUNGLE AND NOW ALSO KING OF THE ROAD!”
“Yes, well. Last week I killed and ate the king of Spain on a gentleman’s wager.”
“BUT MY ENORMOUS JAWS ARE ONLY KEPT IN CHECK BY CENTRIFUGAL FORCE. THEY ARE GOING LIKE 80 MILES AN HOUR.”
“Mmm? What, sorry, I fell asleep. Are you quite finished? I’ve an appointment to keep where I am to be fired at the moon from the world’s largest cannon.”
“SHIT THAT’S PRETTY CRAZY.”
Advantage: That guy.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 at 2:54 am and is filed under Animals, Meth. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 27th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Lorenzo: A mountain IS a puma. And mountain lions can jump far, and HIGH. It’s pretty intense.
October 21st, 2009 at 3:09 am
TO clear up some stuff… A Mountain Lion is TINY compared to a PROPER Lion. A Mountain lion is like a Puma. Not that big whereas a Lion is facking HUGE! ANYWAY>> its still hard-goddam-Core!!
AWESOME ARTICLE!!!
October 16th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I can’t believe it. That guy WAS bored. Holy fuck.
The conversation at the end was pure, unadulterated genius from concentrate.
September 7th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
‘fazed’, not phased.
August 29th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
The conversation at the end might be the funniest thing I have ever read haha
August 28th, 2009 at 7:01 pm
That was greatest article to ever be written about cats. Well done.
All the faggots that complain about the quality of this free article on the internet should be raped by a jaguar while pinned against a cactus.
August 28th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Haha. SHIT THAT’S PRETTY CRAZY.
August 18th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Advantage: Brockway. This whole article is Dio approved.
August 14th, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Michael Angelo…need we say more?
August 8th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Ohoho!
Brava, that made my day.
“BUT I AM THE KING OF THE JUNGLE AND NOW ALSO KING OF THE ROAD!”
I giggled myself into a puddle. Awesome.
August 7th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
mehfag
August 6th, 2009 at 7:26 am
I about crapped my pants from laughing.
Wait. Maybe I did.
Just a lil
August 4th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
The lady at the far right looks even less impresed.
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating site______MillionaireCupid.org_____
The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
August 3rd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Brockway.
You sir are a gentleman and scholar.
If I had a sexy, voluptuous daughter, you sir, could tap that till it split in half from the rocky electrifying motions of pelvis thrusting.
July 30th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
“Ronnie James Dio Approved” is now in my permanent vocabulary.
July 30th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
good article! Love the last one!
July 30th, 2009 at 7:03 am
At #4, that’s one hard core old lady up there.
Anyways, this whold article was just pure fucking WIN.
July 30th, 2009 at 7:01 am
that guy is awesome
July 29th, 2009 at 10:55 am
the lion can talk. I am so smart for noticing that. Wait…… LIONS CAN’T TALK!!!! Stupid writers……
July 28th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
I am wondering if there is an easy way to find my soul mate or sexy partner! I find that it’s not difficult to find my Mr.right when I saw MillionaireCupid.org, There are many sexy beauties and wealthy singles on that dating site, U may have a try!
July 28th, 2009 at 7:15 am
YAY! This article was fucking awesome! Please, keep em coming
July 27th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Universal truth #4
If you ever write an opinion on the internet, someone will ALWAYS take time out of their day to inform you that they didn’t like any of it, even though common sense says that if you don’t like something from the start you don’t go all the way through it just to make sure you really didn’t like it.
#4.B
Said person will not be able to do so without cussing like a fifth grader.
July 27th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
This article is pure gold. From the universal laws at the beginning (you’re bi-curious for midgets, by the way), to the proclamation by a lion in a motorcycle that getting shot into the moon is “pretty crazy”, I was laughing hysterically. The “steam-wedgie” was a particularly joyous highlight. This is one of the funniest damn things I’ve experienced, in any medium, for months.
July 27th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Wonderfull!, Thank you Mr. Brockway!
Laughed so hard I scared my family!
July 27th, 2009 at 8:19 am
This is the most immature article I’ve seen in a while. The comments even reinforce it. This single page makes the Cracked community look like a bunch of 13-year olds screaming METAL METAL in their broken pubescent voices..
Besides, lions live in the savannah, fool.
July 26th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Damn dude, this was an awesome article with a side order of kill, truly, by far one of the best I’ve read in Cracked throughout the years.
Thanks a lot man, this site really does need more Metal related articles, however this shit would’ve been as funny if it said cats were polka or something… It’s just pure win.
July 26th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Steam wedgies was probably about the most bitchin line i’ve ever read.
July 25th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Will you marry me? Will you have my kittens?
July 25th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
“SHIT THAT’S PRETTY CRAZY”
I lol’d.
July 25th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Faaaaantastic, Brockway. This is part of the Good Stuff on Cracked.
July 25th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
OMFG thats hilarious! when i was reading the conversation taking place between THE LION and THAT GUY i was laughin my ass off! i applaud!
July 25th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Filed under Animals, Meth.
…what?
July 25th, 2009 at 10:02 am
THAT GUY probably didn’t get enough sleep or something.
July 25th, 2009 at 9:53 am
I’m really sad that #5 had no He-Man refrences.
July 25th, 2009 at 3:19 am
Holy high hell. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. Rise the fist to the Metal Gods!
July 24th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
The conversation between THAT GUY and THE LION was awesome. Just pure fucking win.
July 24th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
“Somebody back in the 1920s thought to themselves, “I find the world lacking in badass, and this trend perturbs me. I will place this enormous predator in an exceedingly fast motor-vehicle and fling it about an enclosed pit with reckless abandon, and the people will pay me for it because I am dangerously insane and may turn on them if not humored in this endeavor. ” And this was the birth of–I shit you not–The Lion Drome!”
That is simultainiously the most metal and hilarious thing I have ever heard.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I don’t usually do this, (online comments) because I find them obnoxious and annoying. ( true that if you say anything online people will question your sexuality) Oh! the ones where people comment on each others’ comments all angry and shit.. wow, get a life. (Not as bad as you tube)
But this is cracked and I loved this article so gad damn much… Big cats are my fucking favorite thing ever and they are so so metal. Thanks for making my day.
July 24th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
its so true about the bus and the cigarette
July 24th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
did u care to read this over and think it was funny
July 24th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
#1 was hilarious. Good work brockway.
July 24th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
God I fucking love your articles.
July 24th, 2009 at 6:49 am
HOLY SHIT I AM A LION AND I AM ALMOST LEARNING TO DRIVE A CAR.
awesome.
July 24th, 2009 at 5:36 am
Holy fuck that was stupid.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:01 pm
HOLY SHIT I AM A LION AND I AM ALMOST LEARNING TO DRIVE A CAR. lmfao priceless
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Lions aren’t jungle cats.
July 23rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
i wish i could have a tiger… my neighbors would finally be quiet… joking! but it would be badass…
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
And your Mother.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:57 pm
The only jungle cat here is the tiger.
July 23rd, 2009 at 12:07 pm
YOU BORE THE HELL OUTTA ME! http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=29&sku=E-CD00416 Seriously!
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:55 am
Bravo, Sir! This may be the most awesome article ever! Bravo!
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Do you think jungle cats have a list-based comedy website with an article on “Why humans are all laughable pussies”?
Also, Robert Brockway should write more things like this. I’m getting sick of his mescaline gimmick, and this was fantastically well-written.
July 23rd, 2009 at 5:08 am
The 5 Most Badass Things Ever Done By Jungle Cats…
There are three universal truths in life: 1.) If you want a bus to come, light a cigarette 2.) If you say something on the Internet, somebody will question your sexuality 3.) Jungle cats are fucking metal Tigers, lions, jaguars, cheetahs? Metal, metal…
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
AMAZING FUCK HILARIOUS AS HELL!!!
MAn…this is AWESOMEEE…
thanks god we have cracked.
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
You didn’t umlaut Motorhead. You have failed.
July 22nd, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Also, puppy divorce really is the worst thing ever.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
@ Sprayette:
“Sprayette Says:
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:57 am
@Mournblade:
Have you been to the otolaryngologist lately?”
Um. . . no. Why?
I saw All four of those bands mentioned–Dio, Priest, Maiden, and Motorhead withint a few years of each other, and ALL are still att the top of their form.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I was at an wild animal place called “Out of Africa” in Arizona once. Amongst the big cats there was a large male African lion (do they come in any size but large?).
In the gift shop for the place, in a corner, sat a 16lb bowling ball split nearly in half. I asked the lady behind the counter about the fractured ball. She said “We had an old bowling ball and thought it might keep the lion amused for a while.” My mind quickly jumps to a mental picture of a lion in bowling shoes and a baggy shirt that has “Big Pussy Bowling Team” stitched on the back. Who would dare laugh in his face about that?
The clerk continued “That’s what he did the first time he bit the ball so we had to take it away from him.” Mr. Lion got his mouth around a 16lb bowling ball and bit down. He bit a freaking 16lb bowling ball nearly in half?? I always knew lions were tough but that cemented the idea in my brain forever.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Chainsaws are made for cutting stationary biological matter aka TREES, not swiftly flying mountain lions (??). Mountain lions aren’t chainsaw proof, fast movement is.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Dillinger, you aren’t missing much with either. Ozzy’s just burnt. DIO is older but still has a strong voice even if the material is redundant. Ian Gillan is still wailing, check out the newer Deep Purple albums. They are better than I imagined they would be.
terrordicktail, your brilliant. The best part of you rolled down your mother’s leg when I was done with her. Marilyn Manson?!? are you kidding me? A rock star with make-up and a girl’s name…how original. That pussy isn’t fit to pick up Alice Coopers broken tees
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Haha.
The conversation at the end was hillarious, as was the entire article.
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:03 pm
i dunno if anyone’s said this yet (too lazy to check the comments) but a mountain lion isn’t a lion it’s a cougar
July 22nd, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I get it: Metal Metal Metal Metal
Dio, Motorhead, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:56 am
hey u stupid muther fucker vamborools all that metal sucks cock hardcore shits way better. SOAD Marilyn Manson and most american hardcore bands also early black sabbath was pretty good
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:55 am
Brockway does it yet again!!!
this man is genius!!
““I find the world lacking in badass, and this trend perturbs me. ”
my thoughts exactly!! its good to know some things never change!!
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:30 am
Too many comments to read through, so this might have been mentioned, but a mountain lion is not a lion. Mountain lion, cougar, puma. All the same cat.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:30 am
@VAMBOROOLS
No, I never really paid attention to either of them outside of Sabbath, let alone anything from their ‘modern’ era. Pretty sad?
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:20 am
Normally everything Cracked does is awesome and impossible to make fun of, but the constant use of the word “metal” in this article makes them sound like somebody’s kid brother trying to fit in with his brothers older friends by saying “cool” words.
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:14 am
Awesome Brockway! DIO, Priest, Maiden and Motorhead in one article. Pretty F’n Metal. All ya needed was some Tiger B. Smith to make my head explode.
Hey Doc and Dillinger. Have you heard DIO and Ozzy lately?
F you Feralboy
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:11 am
@Doctorchaos: What about a Liger? That’s like Metal^2 holy shit
July 22nd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Brockway! I missed you so damned much.
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:57 am
@Mournblade:
Have you been to the otolaryngologist lately?
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:12 am
Dio Approved
July 22nd, 2009 at 10:02 am
like a lion would know the difference between centrifugal and centripetal…Its a frigging lion people, give it a break…its riding shotgun in a side car.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:42 am
@dave No, cetrifugal force is caused by your body’s inertia resisting the centripetal force of the spinning object that it’s on.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:40 am
Yes, it should be centripetal force. No one fucking cares.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:27 am
Sweet, but centrifugal force is a myth i do believe.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:05 am
Damn, you mean you actually left out this!
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/12/26/MN0LU4M2T.DTL
This attack is proof that all a tiger is lacking is that badass Predator mask with the shoulder laser cannon.
The thing not only ripped a trainer’s arm off during a demo but was allowed to live to kill another guy then head over to the zoo cafe and get him two more folks. He then actually moved toward the cops with guns raised. They still don’t know how he got out of the pen! He even has stealth mode.
Tell me why we haven’t dropped a load of these babies on Iraq while hyped up on cocaine.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:03 am
Thank you very very much.
“Yes, well. Last week I killed and ate the king of Spain on a gentleman’s wager.”
CLASSIC
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:58 am
Funny article, but the funniest part to me was the fact that the dog picture is titled “divorced dog.”
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:49 am
This is the most amazing article I’ve ever read. I need to call people to share it with them.
As long as they’re not eating leaders of the world on a gentleman’s wagers.
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:49 am
@newbornshadow (and .)
This is what I was looking for previous to my earlier response:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQk5ao4a3AI
Now you can Suck it.
How’s the Pansys Lute video coming?
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:34 am
Great article, but feel the need to point out that a mountain lion is not the same animal as a lion!
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:30 am
I want a fucking Lion-Car
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:23 am
Sorry, but #2 is advantage: Marine. Period.
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:17 am
If there were only some way to combine a chainsaw wielding lion and a motorbike that can jump tall buildings while using fuel from the tears of less manly things, then the world would explode from the awesome. And that explosion would be filmed by Michael Bay, and he would fall to his knees with the realization that he could NEVER make anything so awesome.
Lions. Fracking metal.
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:06 am
Advantage: That guy.
Love it!
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:03 am
Yeah, Dio looks really badass there. Oh my god, he’s pointing. I’m fucking terrified. So badass. And he’s, like, a singer! With long hair! Who points!
The guy with the ponytail/vagina could drop-kick Dio back to the 80’s.
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:00 am
pure epic geniusness. thanks for the perfect article of the day.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:36 am
I dunno, that lion looks pretty bored too.
But some how, the picture battle is even more epic because of how blurry the pictures are.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:19 am
Holy shit the conversation at the end had me laughing so hard I started crying.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:15 am
Yeah, Loki corrected the author when the author was right, and someone down there somehow misquoted Dio.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:13 am
Brilliant article.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:10 am
Loki, you are poorly educated.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:09 am
I’ve gotta stop reading these articles in class. I can’t help but laugh aloud and am then stared at by everyone, including the professor. Great article Brockway.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:08 am
Oh my god that’s good! The last one had me in tears!
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:06 am
@newbornshadow
I’m just stating what Dio claimed; take it up with him.
Festizio? Suck it.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:53 am
It’s centripetal force, not centrifugal force.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:53 am
The part with the steam wedgie got me laughing, and the picture of the dog, along with the caption, almost made me cry. Brilliantly written article.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:52 am
SHIT THAT’S PRETTY CRAZY
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:45 am
Ok, this is actually awesome!
Oh! And extra points for referencing Ronnie James Dio!
“Jump, jump, jump on the tiger, you can feel his heart but you know he’s mean, some light can never be seen .”
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:40 am
that wasn’t “peace” ozzy was chuckin, and the kronus was first used by pansys playing the lute…there, i can make shit up to. festizio.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:35 am
@DoctorChaos
Agreed. However, Heaven and Hell had some decent contributions. Dio is also cited for being the first person to use the malocchio or sign of the evil eye as a metal gesture to differentiate himself from Ozzy and his excessive use of peace gesturing.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:20 am
#1 made me grow an extra testicle.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:14 am
and that pic of the tiger under water is the scariest shit ive seen since my nightmare about the Sarlac Vaginas…
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:11 am
hilarious
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:08 am
[...] Featured There’s a new article up at Cracked which details the many fine and subtle ways that great cats are fuckin’ metal. It’s truly a controversial thesis; one which requires the hand of a metaphorical surgeon to [...]
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:06 am
ahhh, the Wordpuncher! Whenever you post something here, sir, it is the first thing I click on, no matter what the others may be. Just felt like giving recognition today instead of re-affirming the obvious hilarity of the article. This is how my day starts…coffee, a cig, followed by giggling out a turd, all thanks to you, Wordpuncher! I thank you!
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:03 am
“HOLY SHIT I AM A LION AND I AM ALMOST LEARNING TO DRIVE A CAR.”
… I laughed so hard. At work. In the middle of a very quiet office. Thank you for this brilliant article, it was hysterical.
July 22nd, 2009 at 6:00 am
I agree with Lauren. The best part was the series of pictures at the end.
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:54 am
The whole thing was obviously funny, but the series of pictures at the end was hysterical.
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:52 am
Also Ozzy beats Ronnie any friggin day.
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:51 am
If Lion = Metal
And Tiger = Metal
then this must be a mother fucking car crash of epic proportions.
http://www.buzzhumor.com/videos/18881/Real_Lion_vs_Tiger_Fight
That beyond metal right there. That’s fucking Adamantium.
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:47 am
As usual, the most Metal article of the week. Love it! DUGG!
Oh and Stan, the phrase ‘That’s metal’ and derivatives thereof have been around for a long, long time.
Since, well, Metal and the likes of Ronnie James Dio, who is decidedly Metal.
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:16 am
The Five Most Badass Things Ever Done By Jungle Cats:
5. Humiliating subservience to man for his entertainment.
…*facepalm*
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:16 am
@Stan
‘Metal’ has been the cool thing to say for about 20 years. At least in my outcast circle.
July 22nd, 2009 at 5:14 am
*centripetal force
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:51 am
what, are you paid for every time you say “metal”? are you trying to coin the next cool phrase that middle-school boys will be using?
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:43 am
Is it bad that the caption with the picture of the dog made me sad?
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:40 am
Awesome article Mr. Brockway. Great use of Painkiller; all articles need more Fucking Metal! Let’s get some saw blade cod-pieces and Raining Blood!
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:29 am
“BUT I AM THE KING OF THE JUNGLE AND NOW ALSO KING OF THE ROAD!”
That is simply amazing. Great article!
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:22 am
I am 99.9% certain that the guy in #5 is Woody Harrelson
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:17 am
Ya know, when I looked at #1 the first thing that came to my mind upon seeing that lion was: “nah-nah nah-nah nah-nah Aslan!”
This whole article is fucking brilliant by the way.
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:16 am
@William
That movie (ghost and the darkness) had me freaked out when i first saw it. granted i was like 6 or something, but it was still freakin scary.
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:15 am
Lion drome gave me an F’in chubby. I hit the keys as hard as i could when i typed this, just so you know.
F’ing lion drome chubby !!! ! ! GUITAR SQUEAL ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:14 am
LOL times a fucking thousand at #1 with that guy facing off with the lion. Brilliant article dude.
Advantage: Brockway.
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:13 am
Of these animals, the tiger is the only one that lives in the jungle. But that barely detracts from the humorosity of the article.
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:10 am
Is it wrong for a man to have a sugar baby \?? It is an absolutely extramarital relationship, but more and more services come out on Internet focusing on this kind of relationship, such as ——_Mee t Weal thy. com_~~~~~~~~~~.
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:06 am
I can’t believe there wasn’t a He-Man reference with the “riding a tiger/lion” story. Because He-Man was totally fucking metal.
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:05 am
I expected more tales of large numbers of people being eaten by cats than using cats for entertainment. Still pretty cool. you need to make the list of cats killing things just for fun like what you can find on youbube like when the bobcat killed the rattlesnake or the jaguar killing the anaconda. How about the lions that inspired ghost and the darkness. I need to get that movie.
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:04 am
thanks for the article, I needed the laughter. keep it up..
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:01 am
if you look at the picture of the drome you’ll see EVERYONE there is bored. and the suicide act was just like in THE HAPPENING
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:43 am
Who is this Brockway everyone talking about?
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:42 am
Lion Drome. I hate the cotton-wool generation. GIVE US GRAVITY DEFYING LIONS, GOD DAMMIT.
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:42 am
Thanks Brockway.
A strange theme but it worked, everything Brockway touches seems to turn into gold.
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:38 am
6th
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:35 am
Brockway, sir, you are fucking metal.
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:35 am
FIRST!!!!!!
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:32 am
watch iron man 2 exclusive photos
http://celebfry.com/ironman2_exclusive_photo.html
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:23 am
Hilarious good job
July 22nd, 2009 at 3:20 am
Amazing article Brockway.