#2. The Dog That Hates Fun
Dogs are generally thought of as fun-loving creatures, and rarely if ever as the strict, fun-hating dean of a wild college comedy. Well, I guess some dogs are just on a mission to break stereotypes.
We're not talking about a good watchdog, although he may also be a good watchdog, constantly barking to alert the household to threats like UPS deliverymen and children. No, this dog is defending his household from their own natural urges, for he knows that the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, and that the only thing preventing the ways of Satan from gaining a foothold in his house is eternal, thankless vigilance. That said, he has very arbitrary opinions about what constitutes "fun." This list includes:
* Cats playing with other cats.
* Dogs playing with cats.
* People dancing.
* People laughing.
* People hugging.
Imagine a beautiful moment where your other dog is tentatively playing with one of the cats and they are slowly discovering that they might be friends. Gestapo dog will break that right up. Or this beautiful scene: An estranged father and son are about to embrace as they learn to put aside their pride and let go of the past, until Sister Mary Joseph the dog runs in barking and delays the healing of their relationship by another 10 years.
How many relationships have fun-hating dogs destroyed? No one knows for sure, but if I had to guess, I'd say 53,267.
#1. Michigan J. Dog
I wish we lived in a world where I didn't have to explain to anyone who Michigan J. Frog was, where classic comedy references were taught in schools instead of The Scarlet Letter and The Catcher in the Rye. But since we live in a fallen world, Michigan J. Frog is from a Looney Tunes cartoon where a guy stumbles upon a frog that can sing and dance and tries to get rich off of it, only to discover that the little turd pretends to be a completely normal frog whenever he is around other people, making the guy a laughingstock.
Your average Michigan J. Dog is similarly a brilliant performer alone at home with you, sitting, staying, spinning, rolling over, solving simple equations, etc. But whenever you have guests over, he pretends to be Lennie from Of Mice and Men. And if you've really been laying it on thick with your guests about how smart your dog is and what he can do, he will roll onto his back and start licking his genitals the moment you give the first command. Maybe he'll even throw in a fart for kicks.
Otherwise he'll just stand and stare happily at you, wagging his tail, as you ask him with increasing urgency to sit. When he finally sits, usually after you've given up asking, your guests will give you the patronizing "Oh look, he did it" cheer, quietly filing all your protests about all the other things he can normally do as the white noise that comes from "one of those dog people" who imagines all their pets are secretly geniuses.
Like the other-blaming cat that has become disillusioned with humans, sometimes I wonder why a loving God would allow our closest non-human companions to be so incredibly annoying. Other than the fact that they give us funny stories to tell, it's interesting to note that the most annoying personality traits of our pets often provide a mirror to ourselves. Who among us has never fallen for something silly, or blamed others for our own messes, or been bitter toward people having more fun than us, or put on different acts for different groups of people, or peed on a superior?
Well, I've only done one of those things, but the rest of you probably have a lot to learn from your pets.