#2. Casper and Pizza Hut Promise to Murder Your Children
Did you know that they made a live-action Casper the Friendly Ghost movie? Yep, that happened. Here it is in a Pizza Hut ad.
For those too young to remember, Casper the Friendly Ghost was a cartoon about a young ghost that wants to make friends with people instead of scare them -- a delightful and whimsical cartoon that never ever discussed what Casper was like before he became a ghost, or how he died, because he's a child and holy hell would that be depressing. Until they made a movie, where they saw fit to describe his death (of fucking pneumonia) and make it a core part of the story: Casper chose not to go on to the afterlife and stayed at the house where he died to keep his lonely father company, but only watched him go insane with grief.
That's an important point -- that he stays in the house where he died -- because watching that Pizza Hut ad, you can't help but wonder: What are those ghosts doing at the Pizza Hut? Apparently they died there. Therefore, children are dying at Pizza Hut. Therefore, Pizza Hut will kill your children.
Bill Pullman, greeting the Pizza Hut deliveryman.
Don't act so shocked. Their P'Zones have always tasted like mortality. The evidence is there. I'm just making connections. The important revelation here is that someone on the inside wants us to know the truth.
#1. Burger King Tried to Warn Us of the Disney Cult
In this ad for Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame, we learn that watching the movie while eating Burger King will turn us into mindless drones, there but for the whim of our cruel and unfeeling Disney masters. Do you think I'm fucking with you?
I am not fucking with you. I only wish I were fucking with you. That would be a better universe to live in.
I understand that the Disney corporation's close relationship with the Illuminati is well-documented among serious academics, but usually these people are pointing you toward subliminal messages that are being used to brainwash you. Because that's how the Illuminati works: They hide messages to secretly brainwash you so that Subway isn't the only game in town with an army of slave warriors. But rarely will someone on the inside try to warn us of the Illuminati's plans. Those people are usually dealt with quickly. What I'm saying is that many advertising interns died to bring us this message.
"Thanks, Quasimodo!" they all shouted in haunting unison.
Look at that shit. That's what a brainwashed army looks like. Shouting in unison is well-documented as a technique for mind control, and worshiping a hunchbacked demon who lives in a tower is clearly incorrect behavior for a child. Children are supposed to hate anyone who looks different from them. Prejudice is a vital part of growing up.
Burger King got strong-armed into contributing to Disney's recruitment techniques, and someone in the marketing department (or maybe a team of them) only just barely managed to get the message out. And if we're being realistic, that poor intern was probably ritualistically burned alive atop a gigantic pillar made of Mickey Mouse hats, while all the Disney princesses masturbated to his screams. But it's OK, they didn't die in vain. They got their message out because of my sharp, analytical eye, the likes of which no one has ever-
Hey, what's this?
Fuck you for stealing my article ideas, YouTube commenter from a year ago!