#2. Super Slave (Marvel Comics, 1941)
OK, seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, Marvel? And don't give me that "It was a different company in the '40s" crap -- if it's got Stan Lee and Captain America in it, it's Marvel. I don't care if they were called Timely Comics, Atlas Comics, or Horribly Insensitive Racial References Comics back then. Still Marvel.
Anyway, the hero of this story is a thousand-year-old muscular dude trapped inside an ancient artifact who must do the bidding of any person who releases him. So in other words, he's a ... Super Slave, yes. That's exactly what a wish-granting magical being is called. A Super Slave.
"Or, you can just call me a gen-"
"I didn't tell you to talk, Super Slave. Punch yourself in the face."
Super Slave's mystical artifact is found by an old dude and his daughter after their ship crashes on a beach (it's not mentioned what the ship contained, but I'm guessing Russian brides). From then on, Super Slave must use his seemingly limitless slave powers to do anything the old dude tells him to do, no matter how wild or impossible the wish may be. But mainly, he just punches other dudes for him.
"Hey, Dad, maybe we could wish for like world peace, or ...?"
"Super Slave, punch her in the face."
The most creative use of Super Slave's magic powers in the entire issue is the time when he turns super tiny, steals the bullets from inside some thugs' guns, and then punches them. By the way, the artifact that our sweater-wearing Aladdin uses to control his personal hit man is a bracelet, in keeping with the whole forced servitude motif, and Super Slave even calls him "my master." It's like the geniuses at Marvel were hired by some 18th century Confederate colonel to give slavery a much-needed fun reboot. They even came up with a catchy slogan for it!
That next issue, by the way? It doesn't exist. Despite the fact that Marvel hyped the character with some ads and such, Super Slave had one adventure and never appeared again. Or hasn't yet, anyway.
Pictured: Marvel's Plan B in case all the Avengers actors ask for bigger salaries.
#1. "Fuck" Falcon (Fox Publications, 1939)
Flick Falcon is an action scientist who travels to Mars to have adventures filled with sexy women, horny giants, and drug-slipping, girlfriend-snatching dwarfs. It all sounds perfectly innocent until you see how Flick's name looked in the comic:
We'd ... no. No, thanks.
Yep, it turns out that when you combine the word "FLICK" in caps with shitty printing, the result is a nice big "FUCK." Suddenly this goes from a simple War of the Worlds ripoff comic to the R-rated story of a man's quest to fornicate with every falcon that ever existed. It's never explained in the comic why Flick suddenly decided to jump into a portal to Mars one day, but this solves that mystery -- he was looking for further falcons to fuck, having already seduced all of the ones on Earth.
"That particular falcon has challenged all my preconceived notions about falcosexuality."
The other main character in this comic is Flick's remarkably open-minded girlfriend, Adele, who gets recruited by the shifty dwarf people of Mars to help seduce the giants that rule the planet. She doesn't seem so thrilled about it, though:
Despite dressing like an accountant, Flick was as much of a badass as his accidental name implies. One time, he gets separated from Adele (possibly in order to locate some falcons to fuck) when he comes across some sort of large hairy ball in his way. His natural reaction is to just kick the shit out of the ball until it splits open -- I'll remind you now that the ruling class of this planet is a race of merciless giants who are probably not accustomed to getting any opposition when they shove their naked privates against forest-dwelling strangers.
"Might as well kick this big veiny tree for a while, too."
Sadly, with the fourth issue Flick's name was suddenly changed to "Flip Falcon" with no explanation, which makes him sound like someone who makes obscene gestures at falcons rather than someone who genuinely loves those majestic creatures and simply wants to share a moment of mutual passion with them. But we know the truth, Flick. We know.
Shine on, you crazy falcon fucker.