The 5 Least Sexy Experiences Everyone Goes Through

#2. Home-Style Sexing

Any time sex and family cross paths, you can rest assured you'll be more interested in watching C-SPAN than porn for a day or two. You catch your parents humping, your grandpa insists he was only hanging curtains in the nude when he slipped and fell on that jar of peanut butter, whatever it is, it's never a good scene.

Sure, Aunt Gertrude, it was just time to feed the donkey and you forgot your nightgown.

When I was a teenager -- just around that age when you realize that you technically can't spend all day in your room treating yourself like an amusement park, but technically you could -- I woke up one day and meandered my way to the living room, probably stoked to watch some Food Network or whatever it was I did to pass the time in my teens. It was morning and no one else was awake yet, including my brother, who was passed out in a mostly sitting position on the couch.

Here's the part where normally I do some tense build-up to the hilarious pay off at the end of a paragraph, but I'll spare you the wait and tell you his dick was hanging out of a hole in his pants.

If you've never walked into a room inhabited by an unconscious family member whose genitals are protruding from a hole in their sweatpants, you hold that little nugget close to yourself and use it to comfort you at night. Take a moment, right now, it's OK.

Thank God, and Seetharaman Narayanan for the crop tool while you're at it.

In order to continue this story, you need to know a little more about me. I went to university, I took philosophy and English, I was and maybe still am considered smart by any number of people. It's all built on bullshit. Lies and subterfuge. Ever since I was a toddler, I've been grifting people into expecting me to understand things when, really, I have no clue what the fuck is going on. I dated a girl who photographed her shit, for God's sake. And it's for that reason that when I walked into that room and saw what, to my eyes, looked for all the world like a wrinkled, shaved albino weasel that had just given up on life and passed out on my brother's leg, I just shrugged and sat down.

Like this, but slightly less unsettling.

About a half hour later, when whatever show I was watching ended, curiosity got the best of me and I turned on the sofa to take another look. And that's when I figured out what was going on. And that's when my soul just shook its head and wiped a tear away as my body ran its ass back upstairs.

#1. The Internet

God, don't you just love the Internet? Of course you do. The Internet is the reason the sun rises and kittens are adorable. It's also the home to an endless supply of pornography. How much porn? This Forbes article indicates that about 42,000 of the 1 million most-trafficked sites are porn. That may not seem like much until I make you go back and look at it: 42,000 is a lot of porn sites. That's a lot of sexy fun.

No, it isn't.

"So many anuses! Why are there so many anuses?"

For every wholesome porn site that celebrates naked Irish girls on trampolines, there's another site, the site your friends are going to email you a link to, that will show you things that make you wince. You think of the last time you winced. It doesn't seem like much, but that gesture means a lot to our species as a whole. We have crawled up from our primate ancestors, we learned to use tools, to farm, to communicate, to write, to make art. We war with one another on such a grand scale that we now possess weapons that could literally destroy all life. We have created music, machines and, in labs, even life itself. We have been to space. And through it all, a wince is the most primal, basic way we have to express our most uncomfortable feelings at seeing something terrible. There is porn that makes us wince.

Without porn, we'd likely all be having sex like dogs in alleys and, at the end of the day, that's kind of a beautiful dream. It's not that there's anything wrong with porn, it's just that it has to go so far. Just so far beyond the beauty of that back alley humpathon to some place uncomfortable, where there are girls with cups and blue waffles and guys we only know by the name Goatse. Why do you do that, Internet? It's the sexual equivalent of eating one of those eggs that's just a fetal duck. Things seemed to start out OK, but then they went terribly wrong.

Marshall Astor

For more from Fortey, check out The 7 Worst Things That Can (And Did) Happen at a Funeral and The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

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Ian Fortey

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