#2. Butchering Oddjob in GoldenEye 007
GoldenEye 007 was a first-person shooter on the Nintendo 64, notable for its classic multiplayer mode. Important for this story is the fact that this was back in an era when first-person shooters were only just developing an understanding of concepts like "up" and "down," and on consoles particularly, aiming at anything other than something at shoulder height was fairly challenging.
I think you had to blow on the controller to do it.
And so, with the state of affairs in 1997 laid out, I'd like to introduce you to Oddjob.
I hate him.
Oddjob was exactly as armed, fast, and capable as every other character in the game, only with the minor advantage that he was impossible to hit. Every bullet in the game would pass over his head, because his head was 4 fucking inches off the ground. Anyone playing as Oddjob gained a massive advantage over their opponents, and in the few games where he wasn't banned outright, he was hated with a pure fury. Any time Oddjob died was a cause for celebration, and I haven't forgotten a single death.
One time, because my time just wasn't that valuable, I started a four-player multiplayer game by myself, filling the level with three other stationary Oddjobs. This was to "practice" and "look for his weaknesses," if anyone asked.
The fact that I was semi-erect while butchering that little bastard should be considered a coincidence.
I shot his tiny little ass and cackled wildly. I threw knives into his tiny little knees and moaned with pleasure. I shot a rocket into his tiny little face and clapped and laughed like a studio audience. It was, in every sense of the word, insane, and the only sensible move I made that day was to lock the door to my dorm room halfway through.
STUDIO TEC/amana images/Getty Images
"If this room is rockin', I'm in here doing something almost certainly worthy of mockin'."
#1. Petty Vandalism in System Shock
If you haven't played the original System Shock, then I can only assume that you're an empty shell of a human being, walking through a ghostly world of shadow and despair. It basically invented the RPG/FPS genre that series like Deus Ex and BioShock now tread in, and it contained perhaps the best villain in video game history, a malevolent AI called SHODAN.
I hate her.
Set on a space station that's been taken over by the evil SHODAN, System Shock is a relatively linear game full of scripted moments. But it's a rich world, and one of my favorite organic moments arrived fairly early in the game. I visited a room with an important switch and was told that I couldn't flip that switch until I'd first flipped some other switches elsewhere. You know, video game stuff.
I have flipped 12 trillion switches in my video game lifetime.
So off I went to flip those other important switches, and then I returned to the original room. I should also mention that by this point in the game I had a pretty good grip on most of its mechanics, including the fact that enemies don't respawn in great numbers. In general, once a room is cleared, it stays cleared, so when I returned to that first room, strolled into the middle of it, and was murdered by several assassin bots, it would be fair to say that I was a little surprised.
"That was distressing."
I shouldn't have been, though. Within the context of this universe, in a space station under the control of a hyper-intelligent and turbo-evil AI, the switch-flipping scheme I was attempting was incredibly obvious. It was entirely predictable that SHODAN would see what I was doing and think to ambush me. But I hadn't even considered the possibility, making this the first and perhaps the only time that I've ever felt like a video game character outsmarted me.
And as a young man who took much pride in his intelligence and murder-dealing ability, this stung a little.
And so, for the remainder of the game, I destroyed every single television and monitor with her ugly face on it. This was completely pointless, served no benefit to me, and wasted much ammunition that I didn't really have to spare, but fight the fucking power, man.
"I HATE YOU, MOM! What? Ohhhhhhhh."
-I finally make the breakthrough that allows me to begin healing-
For moments we wish would've happened, check out 24 Video Game Plot Twists That Would Have Blown Your Mind.