The 5 Greatest Movie Sex Scenes (Where Nobody Has Sex)

#2. Lost in Translation

So here's a movie with an incredibly minor plot. Bob (Bill Murray), an aging, disenfranchised celebrity, hangs out in Tokyo to shoot a terrible commercial. During his stay, Bob is taken with Charlotte (Scarlett Johansson), a sexy young woman who is sexy and young and a woman. Way too sexy and young for him. She is also disenfranchised, and the two of them float around Tokyo not being enfranchised. But that's OK. They have each other.

There are no grand acts of affection or sacrifice in this love story. This is a love we feel mostly by how intensely comfortable these people are with each other. In fact, the only thing that makes them uncomfortable is the fact that they're both married. At the end of the film, the two do kiss, and Bob whispers something in Charlotte's ear that we never get to hear, but that's not the climax for me. At that point we know that Bob is leaving. For me, the more important sex scene happened in bed the night before.

The Not-Sex Scene:

We don't want to see Bob and Charlotte cheat on their spouses. We're not even sure their love could last outside the bubble of its surreal Tokyo surroundings. But at the very least, we want to know that they know how much they mean to each other. We want the attraction acknowledged, somehow appropriately, even if not acted upon. Hence the utterly perfect gesture for this film and their relationship: the toe grab. Love embodied in one tiny physical gesture. If not for ScarJo coming down with toe crabs a week later, this moment would be almost too lovely to take.

Unfortunately, I can't find this scene on YouTube, but this incredibly awkward screen grab really conveys my point, don't you think?

#1. Skyfall

Have you seen Daniel Craig's best James Bond film? No, not Casino Royale. I mean Skyfall. The one that people like to say is his best. Y'know, all those people who like to be wrong and say things that aren't true, because Skyfall is in no way better than Casino Royale. I guess I've gotten off track a little. Have you seen Skyfall?

Although everyone agrees that Quantum of Solace is the worst.

Well, if you have or haven't, it's still a movie about a U.K. secret service agent who goes rogue and tries to kill lots of other U.K. secret service agents. His name's Silva and he's played by Javier Bardem. He's crazy and sometimes a bit gay. Like in this scene, where he attempts to mindfuck ultra-male James Bond with the possibility of some sort of gay sex torture. (I think I just increased the odds of this article popping up as a disappointing result in someone's Google search.)

The Not-Sex Scene:

Anyway, you'll have to check out someone's abysmal fan fiction if you want to see what actual Bond-Silva boning would entail, but the metaphorical sex and violence does reach a conclusion in the movie's climax. Silva is about to murder/suicide himself and M when Bond comes up from behind him, if you will. Oh, you will? Thanks for making this easy. Yes, Bond comes up from behind him and sticks it to him. Specifically, he inserts a big knife instead of his naughty bits, but you get the idea. Also there's no reach-around. Lastly, he throws the knife from a distance just to make sure you don't think he's that way.

Then Silva turns and falls to his knees while Bond stands before him, which reminds me of something. I'm just not sure what. It's probably nothing.


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