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The 5 Creepiest True Exorcism Stories of Our Time

#2. Sexorcism

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Probably the biggest problem facing a modern exorcist is how sexy some demons are. I have to assume this is true because there's just an abundance of dickorcisms going on, and if the demons were fugly in some way, I know that I for one would be maybe using tongs to try to get rid of them, rather than my junk. Even if that demon was waaaaaaay up inside a vagina, I still think I'd try to use a squirt bottle to knock it out, or a few minutes on Jesus' trampoline.

In this case, prominent Catholic priest and pro-life advocate Thomas Euteneuer became the spiritual adviser and deliverance minister to an unnamed woman back in 2008. What was she being delivered from? According to her, it was her clothes. And not having his naked ass rubbing up against her.

Euteneuer told her he had received permission to perform an exorcism on her, because her demons were causing all kinds of shit. His chosen method of exorcism included open-mouth kissing to "blow the Holy Spirit" into her and the traditional Catholic rite of finger-banging. And really, say Beelzebub is wandering down the street in hell -- do you think he's going to be bragging that a priest in Virginia fingered his hell holes? God no. That's humiliating. Giving a demon the ol' knuckle duster where it counts is almost as effective as beating it in the head with one of those thick old-timey Bibles.

#1. Bottled Ghosts

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There's a saying that it's not about the destination but the journey. I think that probably had something to do with Detroit. But it's also very true of exorcisms. When do all exorcism movies end? Once the demon has been exorcised, once you've reached the destination. But what the hell happens then? An exorcism gets a demon out of a body -- then where does it go? You can say it goes back to hell, but who's checking?

Lucky for us there are at least a few exorcists out there who give a damn about where these free-floating apparitions are going and what they're doing with their time. A responsible exorcist can't leave evil spirits just sitting on the table; that would be absurd. What if someone ate it? To prevent this, there's an exorcist in New Zealand (because I always want to include a story from Australia or New Zealand whenever I can) who will not only remove the evil from your house, but then store the evil in small bottles.

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Most people don't realize these ships are manned by a tiny ghost crew.

After suffering through the terrors of "the jug boiling itself" and her dog going "mental" (those are both quotes; God, what a charming story this is), Avie Woodbury called in an exorcist who managed to capture the spirits of an old man and a little girl and jam them both into bottles of holy water that Woodbury promptly sold on eBay.

The bottled ghosts sold for $1,395 U.S., if you can believe that, and Woodbury said she was going to donate the money to an animal charity after she paid the exorcist. The story is pretty great where it sits right now, but if you'd like to take it to a whole new level, ponder for a second what this means if it's real. Imagine for a second that this was entirely true and Woodbury 100 percent sincerely believed it. That she really was haunted by the disembodied spirits of a man and a girl and they were captured in bottles of holy water, which she then sold on eBay. She believes she has the souls of two humans in her possession and she sold them for $1,000. Now who's the evil monster?


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Felix Clay

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