#2. Home Sperm Donors
If we're being honest with ourselves, we all recognize that Craigslist is a terrible repository of gross and terror. There's a corner of it where hipsters trade their sitars for kalimbas and organize poetry jams at organic tea shops, and then others sell their 32-inch Zenith televisions from 1991 for $10 (you haul it away), but for the most part, it's all murder and masturbation. That's a statistic -- you can Google it.
In keeping with this terrible theme, Jeffrey Graybill posted an ad on Craigslist in Phoenix. His ad said that he was a fertility doctor looking for sperm donors. Here's where you need to put on your Magnum, P.I. hat and look for clues that something ain't right. A good hint that you're about to embark on something awful is that you're answering a Craigslist ad for what you keep in your balls. No one on Craigslist needs what's in your balls for legitimate business purposes. All Craigslist nut farmers are, in fact, illegitimate.
Anyway, despite what logic dictates, some people answered this ad and went to Graybill's apartment, because why not donate sperm at a dude's apartment? Incidentally, while in Phoenix this may be known as sperm donation, in most circles it's known as "jerking off in front of a stranger."
Victims who went to Graybill's apartment were then subjected to extensive physical exams, inside and out, long and weird enough that the men involved felt the need to call the cops about it later. Because there comes a point, when getting fondled and probed by a strange man, in his house, that you start to think, "This doesn't seem legit at all."
I don't want to come off sounding too hard on these guys (I could have worded this sentence differently if I wanted to), so I will say that the fake doctor did have a black medical bag, a stethoscope, and a three-page FAQ about sperm donation. That's more official than most doctors you'll find in Europe.
Possibly the saddest part of this whole story is that this guy needed to run a scam to play with random dudes' junk. After perusing Craigslist for five minutes to research this, and having also been on Chatroulette once, it seems pretty clear that if you want to play with some random dude's junk, all you really need to do is ask and you'll be up to your ears in wiener, no felonies required. Maybe some ointment, but no felonies.
#1. Penis Pumping
Everyone enjoys a good penis pump now and then. That's what Granny used to say, and if you argued with her, it was two days in the cellar with the Gooch. But for all the good penis pumping has done for the world, there's a dark underbelly, or taint, if you will -- the pumping party.
The term "pumping party" sounds gross all on its own, but it's gross in a whole different way when you read up on it. It's when a bunch of people get together to have someone that everyone is reasonably sure is not a real doctor inject them with a wacky grab bag of random products in an effort to make whatever body part is being injected bigger. So those butt implants done with cement like before or, in this case, your wang. To clarify, you go to someone's house to let another person inject things into your penis. And why? Because it's cheaper than letting a doctor do it. I'm reasonably sure I could buy some pliers and perform my own dental work on the cheap as well, but I'm still not gonna do it.
At this particular party, a man allowed pretend doctor Kasia Rivera, maybe with a crowd of onlookers enjoying cocktail wieners and Fresca, to inject his dong with silicone. Industrial grade silicone, the kind of stuff you buy at Home Depot to seal your toilet.
In case you're wondering what a dink full of industrial silicone does to you, you die. The patient in question collapsed the following day from a silicone embolism and his weird, amorphous penis was not enjoyed by anyone.
If you're thinking maybe other substances are safer than silicone, it's worth noting that shady clinics in Thailand also offer a similar procedure in which they'll inject your unit with olive oil. Olive oil has to be safer, because Rachael Ray uses it and she would never endorse murderous penis grease, right? WRONG! So wrong. Rachael Ray hates your penis and wants it destroyed without mercy.
While I'm not sure if a greasy wiener ever killed anyone, at least one man in Thailand had to have his entire undercarriage Ken Dolled, thanks to some severe infection and cancer. Did the oil cause cancer? That seems odd at best, but on the other hand, so does injecting your penis repeatedly with oil to the point that it becomes infected. I'm no doctor. Neither are any of the rest of these people.