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Orgasms. I invented them when I was 12. I was alone in the shower, my bar of Irish Spring was looking really good, I was warm, damp, and feeling adventurous. It was magical and only slightly shameful, the way I insist on all my orgasms being to this very day. Later I found out other people had stolen my idea before I could monetize it, but that's OK. I'm a giver.

Even later in life, I discovered something most unusual, and that was that not everyone orgasms the same way. Some people use Zest! And yet others eschew a soapy left hand thrust deep in a crack altogether and have discovered bizarre new ways of orgasming that not only don't involve hands, but don't even involve genitals. Or, well, not exactly.


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The idea of being paralyzed is unappealing for any number of reasons, not the least of which is the potential to be saddled with a homicidal helper monkey as a result. I don't give a shit if no one read my article on helper monkeys, you need to be aware of what's going on in the world. But beyond all the obvious downsides to being paralyzed, one that must clearly be a horrible adjustment is how it affects your sex life. Depending on the nature of your paralysis, it could make sex extremely difficult or literally impossible.

Rafe Biggs was left paralyzed from the neck down after an accident that resulted in a broken neck. With no feeling at all below his waist, he was sure his sex life was over, something that has to be terribly frustrating to someone with a still functional mind and access to boobs. For a year after his accident, he suffered through trying to adapt to a new life devoid of release, until one day his girlfriend gave him a thumb job.

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Gonna thumb you so good, baby.

Why was Rafe's girlfriend sucking his thumb? Dude broke his neck, just go with it. Point is, he was able to experience an orgasm as a result of the stimulation and at the same time ensure that no one will ever try to shake his hand again.

The phenomenon, called transfer orgasm, is a result of neural plasticity and the brain's attempts to "rewire" itself to compensate for physical changes, and it has been recorded in paralyzed patients before. Rafe himself refers to his thumb as his surrogate penis, which is just so off-putting, but good for him nonetheless.


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People say the brain is the biggest sex organ, and those people are usually stuck up and totally unaware of a series of circus-themed videos I own that disprove that foolish claim explicitly and terrifyingly. We can give those people a little credit, however, insofar as you do tend to need some kind of brain stimulation for the physical stimulation to follow. For instance, I can't get turned on at all until someone verbally berates me to the point of tears. It's just my thing.

For other people, the brain is the be all and end all of getting busy. Which is to say things like nudity and a partner are totally irrelevant. Spontaneous orgasm can, in fact, be thought into existence. Rutgers University has studied the concept of spontaneous orgasms with women strapped into MRI machines who are supposed to keep still but apparently have a bad habit of thrashing around like a fish having an orgasm as scientists try to watch their brain activity while they get themselves off just by virtue of wanting to get off, no external stimulation required. This is Professor X level wanking. This is the kind of shit even Sting can't do, and he can apparently start 1920s automobiles just by orgasming in the driver's seat (citation needed).

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"Roxanne! You don't have to even take your pants off! I can mind bone you!"

Research from as far back as the 1800s has indicated that women, and some men, are capable of fantasizing themselves into a state of physical orgasm. Varying research indicated that anywhere between 2 percent and 64 percent of people were capable of doing this, and brain scans show that the brain lights up in areas that correspond to physical stimulation of erogenous zones in these cases. So as far as your brain is concerned, it's just as good as the real thing, which must be really depressing for anyone those people sleep with.

Search through YouTube and you'll run afoul of stuff like ASMR, which stands for "autonomous sensory meridian response." What's that mean? It means there are videos of people, usually women, blowing into their microphones or whispering real quiet like that and apparently just cause themselves and others to orgasm without any additional stimulation. It doesn't work for everyone, of course, and some people just find it relaxing, but it's out there, and people claim it does the job for them.

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If you can orgasm through your thumb, it stands to reason you can orgasm through something else. But while the thumb is an instance of your brain trying to compensate for lack of sensation elsewhere, this foot thing is just wonky.

Mrs. A was the subject of a medical study after she found herself having orgasms about five or six times a day. These orgasms came from her foot. So that's weird.

How does one have a foot orgasm? Turns out Mrs. A had a separate medical condition relating to her foot that required some intensive treatment. As her foot healed, she started having these foot-based orgasms, a result of nerve damage that caused signals from her foot to be misinterpreted in her brain as sexual stimulation. Must have been pretty good, too, for five or six times a day.

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"I'm washing my feet and getting supermoist!"

Mrs. A's foot orgasms could happen with a feeling of arousal, or just all of a sudden with no arousal at all, and only lasted a few seconds. The weirdest part, of course, was that it was literally in her foot. It wasn't that foot stimulation caused her to feel stimulation elsewhere; it was squarely, clearly coming from her foot. Sometimes it would also be accompanied by the standard lubrication your typical orgasm brings, which was not in the form of foot sweat but in actual lady fluids where they're supposed to come from and, less appealing, a loss of urine. So she'd step down, maybe say "Oh my," and then pee herself.


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Most people would generally agree that probably maybe kind of part of a healthy sex life could involve exercise. For instance, your average fitness model seems like she's more apt and able to enjoy sex and sexuality than your average Hutt. Have you ever seen a Hutt have sex? No. We know they do, some of them have reality TV shows that feature their offspring, but I'm speaking in generalities. We've all heard somewhere that exercise improves your sex life. Seems legit.

As an Internet comedy writer, I have no idea how to exercise or why I'd want to, but I do know that a study has been conducted on women who have orgasms while exercising, and they call them coregasms. Now you'll see I titled this entry "exergasms," and I think you'll agree that my name is way better, because a coregasm sounds like someone getting off on either the shitty throwaway parts of fruit or really awful movies with no understanding of science.

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"The Earth's core has stopped rotating, so it's time for derpshit flarp dub dribble glass herp!"

The orgasms occur most often during core strengthening workouts (my name is still better) like crunches, rope climbing, weight lifting, and even swimming, which I will include in a later article about hidden dangers of public pools.

So how do exercises lead to orgasms and why are ab exercises by far the ones that cause it the most? Science only has a shrug for an answer. There's a theory that the action puts stimulating pressure on the clitoris, along with increased blood flow to your fallopian fun house, but it's just a theory. Some of those who have experienced the orgasms described them as occurring directly in the abdominals, even though the sensation is the same as a sexual orgasm, leading to a theory that female orgasm is not necessarily sexual in nature at all, it just most often occurs during sex, but it could theoretically be induced in almost any given stimulation, apparently as a result of little more than some kind of fairly rigorous physical activity. If it turns out all the grannies of the world are silently experiencing crochetgasms, don't be surprised. Just be horrified.

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Here's a subject probably no one likes the sound of. Lars von Trier could probably make a really unpleasant movie called Birthgasm and none of us would watch it until it was on Netflix, as should be done with all von Trier films.

The general idea behind this is exactly what you think it is -- it involves a woman giving birth and having an orgasm at the same time. This is noteworthy because on the one hand it seems almost plausible given the area we're dealing with and then on the other it seems just shy of bugfuck crazy because there's an entire person coming out of you, how is that pleasurable? I heard sometimes women tear open all the way down to their butthole when they give birth. Just typing that made me grimace, and now I'm worried about the general health of my own butthole for no reason whatsoever.

According to a study on the matter, midwives reported witnessing orgasms in about 0.3 percent of births. According to my Googling, there are 360,000 births a day, which means 1,080 women a day are having birth-caused orgasms, and that's kind of zany.

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Obstetrics? More like obsextrics! Right? No.

The idea of childbirth being orgasmic rubs some people the wrong way, so to speak, specifically because of the activity you're engaging in. No one likes the idea of babies being anywhere near something sexual. I counter with the idea that anything weighing 8 pounds being shuttled out of your chunnel should give the tingly good-feeling part of your brain pause before it throws itself a party. I feel like the male equivalent of this would be a lazy hand job from the Hulk.

Despite my biologically inept skepticism, apparently it's a pretty simple explanation for the how and why of orgasmic childbirth, especially when you discount C-sections, which obviously won't count, and many traditional hospital births that are often higher stress and complete with epidurals. Natural births, where a woman can relax, have a drink of Kool-Aid, and watch a little Magic Mike, are basically events replete with intense stimulation of the birth canal, cervix, vagina, and clitoris. That's the most mature sentence I've ever written against my better judgment while a veritable cornucopia of hilarious euphemisms danced in my head.

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