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The 5 Craziest Things That Give People an Orgasm

#2. Exergasms

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Most people would generally agree that probably maybe kind of part of a healthy sex life could involve exercise. For instance, your average fitness model seems like she's more apt and able to enjoy sex and sexuality than your average Hutt. Have you ever seen a Hutt have sex? No. We know they do, some of them have reality TV shows that feature their offspring, but I'm speaking in generalities. We've all heard somewhere that exercise improves your sex life. Seems legit.

As an Internet comedy writer, I have no idea how to exercise or why I'd want to, but I do know that a study has been conducted on women who have orgasms while exercising, and they call them coregasms. Now you'll see I titled this entry "exergasms," and I think you'll agree that my name is way better, because a coregasm sounds like someone getting off on either the shitty throwaway parts of fruit or really awful movies with no understanding of science.

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"The Earth's core has stopped rotating, so it's time for derpshit flarp dub dribble glass herp!"

The orgasms occur most often during core strengthening workouts (my name is still better) like crunches, rope climbing, weight lifting, and even swimming, which I will include in a later article about hidden dangers of public pools.

So how do exercises lead to orgasms and why are ab exercises by far the ones that cause it the most? Science only has a shrug for an answer. There's a theory that the action puts stimulating pressure on the clitoris, along with increased blood flow to your fallopian fun house, but it's just a theory. Some of those who have experienced the orgasms described them as occurring directly in the abdominals, even though the sensation is the same as a sexual orgasm, leading to a theory that female orgasm is not necessarily sexual in nature at all, it just most often occurs during sex, but it could theoretically be induced in almost any given stimulation, apparently as a result of little more than some kind of fairly rigorous physical activity. If it turns out all the grannies of the world are silently experiencing crochetgasms, don't be surprised. Just be horrified.

#1. Birthgasms

Monkey Business Images/Monkey

Here's a subject probably no one likes the sound of. Lars von Trier could probably make a really unpleasant movie called Birthgasm and none of us would watch it until it was on Netflix, as should be done with all von Trier films.

The general idea behind this is exactly what you think it is -- it involves a woman giving birth and having an orgasm at the same time. This is noteworthy because on the one hand it seems almost plausible given the area we're dealing with and then on the other it seems just shy of bugfuck crazy because there's an entire person coming out of you, how is that pleasurable? I heard sometimes women tear open all the way down to their butthole when they give birth. Just typing that made me grimace, and now I'm worried about the general health of my own butthole for no reason whatsoever.

According to a study on the matter, midwives reported witnessing orgasms in about 0.3 percent of births. According to my Googling, there are 360,000 births a day, which means 1,080 women a day are having birth-caused orgasms, and that's kind of zany.

Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images

Obstetrics? More like obsextrics! Right? No.

The idea of childbirth being orgasmic rubs some people the wrong way, so to speak, specifically because of the activity you're engaging in. No one likes the idea of babies being anywhere near something sexual. I counter with the idea that anything weighing 8 pounds being shuttled out of your chunnel should give the tingly good-feeling part of your brain pause before it throws itself a party. I feel like the male equivalent of this would be a lazy hand job from the Hulk.

Despite my biologically inept skepticism, apparently it's a pretty simple explanation for the how and why of orgasmic childbirth, especially when you discount C-sections, which obviously won't count, and many traditional hospital births that are often higher stress and complete with epidurals. Natural births, where a woman can relax, have a drink of Kool-Aid, and watch a little Magic Mike, are basically events replete with intense stimulation of the birth canal, cervix, vagina, and clitoris. That's the most mature sentence I've ever written against my better judgment while a veritable cornucopia of hilarious euphemisms danced in my head.

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Felix Clay

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